Depression

The Misunderstood Disease

Extreme depression.....the kind that doesn't just come after a minor disappointment, but the kind that lingers for days, then weeks, then months, etc. pervading your every waking moment.....is an all too common disease that most people do not talk about. Even those who have the disease do not talk about it to others, unless they seek professional help, because of the stigma associated with depression. From my experience the stigma is perpetuated by such questions as

Depressed? Why are you depressed? What do you have to be depressed about?

I think the above quote says it all. First of all, I believe that a person is foolish if he or she pretends to know what one is going through or has gone through. I have gone through many traumatic experiences in a short time. True, others may have been able to go through similar experiences without ill effect. However, I have a tendency to come to a complete standstill in my life if I do not know how to deal with a situation.

I'm not talking about just any situation, either. I'm talking about situations we think we'll never be in. Examples of this include when my husband went off to war only nine months after our wedding. Another is when I finally got up the courage (at age 25) to tell my parents about my brother's sexual abuse of me when I was a child and, later, when my mother was on her death bed, my father didn't believe me. He believed my brother who denied it (at the time) for whatever reason. Why should I have expected my father to understand when he acted the way he did when I was molested at age six by a neighbor boy? Also, my grandmother (heart attack & cancer), mother (heart attack & complications), brother (suicide), and beloved cat, Baby, all died within a nineteen-month time frame. Many people were actually happy that my mother and brother had died (I do not exaggerate). I suppose I live in a fantasy world because I expect people to care about each other and support each other through good times and bad.

My first documented experience with depression came in 1990. After only nine months of marriage to Kirc, he was to be shipped out to Saudi Arabia to serve in Desert Storm. I firmly believed during the entire six months and two days that he was gone that he might die over there bringing all of my hopes and dreams for the future to a crashing halt. You see, Kirc, at least at that time, was my entire life. Without him, I would have been lost.

Breakthrough (August 1999)

I don't know why it has taken me so long to see this but I have come to the realization that much of my depression can be attributed to not having an adequate support network in my life for many years now. I truly believe that God meant for His children to support one another through life's trials and tribulations, lifting each other up. Without adequate support, a person has to bear all of life's tragedies alone which is really too much for most people. I realize that this sounds like a pat answer to the problem of depression. That is not what I am offering here. I can only presume to try and see into my own depression, not offer reasons behind someone else's. I will say, though, that many people who suffer from clinical depression feel cut off from others (sometimes this is because others cut them off and sometimes they cut others off). I do not believe that it is any coincidence that my own brother was very alone at the time of his suicide, both living physically alone as well as being quite cut off from others including family and friends.

I have also discovered that my depression definitely has a physical cause: my body has a problem with regulating blood sugar. My mother, father, maternal grandmother, and mother's sister have all suffered from adult onset diabetes. I myself have a problem with low blood sugar. I have found through examining how I feel throughout the day according to what I am eating, that low blood sugar definitely affects my mood, in a bad way. Take this inability of my body to handle blood sugar properly and combine it with the various stresses of life, especially when several extremely traumatic events happen and it's no wonder that clinical depression is a result. Obesity is also a result as I have used food and candy to make myself feel better (as well as to raise my blood sugar to normal levels).

My solution (so far): to make sure that I eat regularly, not too much and to watch what I eat. Even though I suffer from low blood sugar, I cannot eat too much sweets without feeling a negative effect due to when my blood sugar drops even further down after my body processes the sugars. Regarding my environment, I have come to realize that people are not always going to act kind, loving, and supportive (and I'm talking about family members). I have learned to become more emotionally self-reliant without cutting myself off from either my emotions or family members. It is important to note, however, that, if one is having serious problems with a family member, it may be necessary to at least temporarily cut off that relationship if it is becoming unhealthy for the person to continue with the relationship as it is.

May 2002

I've finally come to the point that I realize that, like it or not, I have to reveal the primary causes of my depression/behavior for the last almost twelve years. I have been abused by my husband, Kirc, via abusive bondage in combination with his very severe indifference (apathy, lack of concern) for me and my feelings/welfare regarding his actions towards me. I've begun chronicling my feelings and my self-discoveries in my web log.

Things Are Not Always Black Or White

Teachers are those who use themselves as bridges,

Over which they invite their students to cross;

Then having facilitated their crossing, joyfully collapse,

Encouraging them to create bridges of their own.

When I was in elementary school, I got into a major argument with a boy in my class. I have forgotten what the argument was about, but I have never forgotten the lesson I learned that day.

I was convinced that I was right and he was wrong, and he was just as convinced that I was wrong and he was right.

The teacher decided to teach us a very important lesson. She brought us up to the front of the class and placed him on one side of her desk and me on the other.

In the middle of her desk was a large, round object. I could clearly see that it was black.

She asked the boy what color the object was. "White," he answered. I couldn't believe he said the object was white, when it was obviously black!

Another argument started between my classmate and me, This time about the color of the object.

The teacher asked me to go stand where the boy was standing and told him to come stand where I had been.

We changed places, and now she asked me what the color of the object was. I had to answer, "White." It was an object with two differently colored sides, and from his viewpoint it was white. Only from my side was it black.

My teacher taught me a very important lesson that day: You must stand in the other person's shoes and look at the situation through their eyes in order to truly understand their perspective.

~ Judie Paxton ~

Source: Chicken Soup for the Kid's Soul

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