Yes, Mel friends & lovers, it has happened.
After months of doing nothing, & then getting my ass in gear and frantically searching every
nearby toy store, game store, & CD emporium, only to find every single
Simpsons collectible EXCEPT for Mel, I finally found the elusive, the magical,
the most holy Sideshow Mel Series 5 “World of Springfield Interactive
Figure”.
And it came about because of my soul mate, my ultimate compadre, The One
Meant For Me. The following illustrates that this is so. So sit down (if
you’re not already), have a smoke (not in my damn house, you’re not. Take it
outside, buddy), and let me tell you all about it.
Kevin is The One, and I’ll spare you the lovey-dovey details except to
say that he makes everyone else in the world look like a can of creamed crap.
Our story begins in a North Texas mall that shall remain nameless to spare the
innocent and myself some embarrassment. Kevin
& I are there for completely un-Mel-related reasons, but I still search the
stores for all things Mel. I find nada, zip, bupkiss, much as I had already
surmised. In fact, I was so sure I
would not find anything of consequence that I had left my laxmi (Hindu goddess
of fortune; Hare Krishna slang for $$$) out in the Chariot of Doom.
But in Sam Goody, god help me, after drooling copiously over a boxed set
of Neon Genesis Evangelion (the ultimate anime and one of the best &
most intelligent things you will ever see in your life – do yourself a favor
& SEE IT NOW – regenerate some brain cells), I suffer a rather happy shock
at discovering that Goody got not one but two Sideshow Mel figures.
And my money’s out in the car.
Oh
shit.
We leave. On the escalator,
I say something to the effect of, “I finally found a Sideshow Mel figure, and
I couldn’t get it. I left my wallet out in the car.”
Kevin gets this sweetly evil look in his eyes that he gets when he’s
about to do something really nice. “Oh no,” I protested.
I did, I tell you. Repeatedly. “You aren’t going to buy him for me.”
“You don’t have a choice,” sayeth the master, and lo, we did stomp
right back into Sam Goody and freed Sideshow Mel from his purgatory. And as an extra-added bonus, he was half price! (Shoulda got
both while we were at it.)
So let this be a lesson to all who doubt true love exists, miracles happen, and angels walk among us. If you find someone who will go, unasked, back through a conglomeration of capitalism run amock just to buy you a little piece of plastic in the shape of a cartoon character, thank your personal deity a hundred times a day & spend the rest of your life creating & sharing good karma. You’ve found The One. Now don’t screw it up.