So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

10. Your opening line is: "So, what's your homepage address?" 9. You see a beautiful sunset, and you half-expect to see "Enhanced for Netscape 1.1" on one of the clouds. 8. You are overcome with disbelief, anger, and finally depressed acceptance when you encounter a Webpage with no links. 7. You felt driven to consult the "Cool Page of the Day" on your wedding day. 6. One of your best friends is Mirsky, and you've never met him. 5. You are driving on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane on a puddle, sending your car careening towards the flimsy guardrail that separates you the precipice of a rocky cliff and certain death, and you desperately look for the "Back" button. 4. You visit "The Really Big Button That Doesn't Do Anything" again and again and again. 3. Your dog has his own webpage. 2. So does your hamster. And the number 1 sign that you have overdosed on the World Wide Web: 1. When you read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to click on the underlined passages.

CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS? There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE without you in it!

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS? we haven't had a fight in a while

NO, PIZZA'S FINE You cheap slob!

I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.

I DON'T KNOW; WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? I can't believe you have nothing planned

COME HERE My puppy does this too

I LIKE YOU, BUT I don't like you

YOU NEVER LISTEN you never listen

WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out is this guy at the gym has a girlfriend

I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.

OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF I'm just being nice; there is no way I'm going dutch.

OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE well, near there; I just want to get this over with

I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.

I'M HUNGRY I'm hungry

I'M SLEEPY I'm sleepy

I'M TIRED I'm tired

I'VE GOTTA PEE Get out of the way

CAN I CALL YOU SOMETIME? I'd eventually like to have sex with you

DO YOU WANT TO GO TO A MOVIE? I'd eventually like to have sex with you

CAN I GET YOUR COAT? I'd eventually like to have sex with you

LET ME GET YOUR DOOR I'd eventually like to have sex with you

MAY I HAVE THIS DANCE? I'd eventually like to have sex with you

YOU LOOK TENSE, LET ME GIVE YOU A MASSAGE I want to fondle you

WHAT'S WRONG? I guess sex tonight is out of the question

I'M BORED Do you want to have sex?

I LOVE YOU TOO Ok, I said it. We'd better have sex now!

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR I liked it better before

LET'S TALK I'm trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

WILL YOU MARRY ME? I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

The day came for the dinner, and of course the family had pasta and red wine. The man ate a little and he needed to fart, so he asked to be excused to the bathroom, the father lets him. When he was in the bathroom, the family dog, Rover, goes under the table. The man comes back and eats and needs to fart again, so he lets it out. The dad hears the fart and shouts, "Get out of there Rover!" The man thinks, this is great I can fart while the dog gets the blame. So this continued on and on, eat, fart, shout.

Then he ate too much and he let out a fart that shook the windows, rattled the chandelier, and made the lights flicker. And the dad shouts- "GET OUT OF THERE ROVER, BEFORE THAT GUY TAKES A CRAP ON YOU!!!!!"

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love, Your $on

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
6. I've got a boyfriend (who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).
5. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)Br> 4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)
1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing)

10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)
6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)
5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)
4. It's not you, it's me.. (You're ugly.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)
2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)
1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)

LOG ON: Making the woodstove hotter
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood
MONITOR: Keepin an eye on that woodstove
DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood ofn the truk
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin that farwood downloaded
FLOPPY DISK: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thar thang whut splits th farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in th winter taim
PROMPT: Whut th mail ain't in th winter taim
WINDOWS: Whut to shut when its cold outside
SCREEN: Whut to shut when its blak fly season
BYTE: Whut them dang flys do
CHIP: Munchies fer th TV
MICRO CHIP: Whuts left in th munchie bag
INFRARED: Whur th left over munchies go, Fred eats em
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Ol Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Whur th kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Whur ya hang th dang keys
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastik forks and knifs
MOUSE: What eats th grain in th barn
MAIN FRAME: Holds up th barn ruf
PORT: Fancy Flatlander Wine
ENTER: Northern fer c'mon in y'all
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya caint member whut ya paid for yer new rifle when yore wife asks.

*S* = Smile, *BS* = Big Smile, *BL* = Big Laugh, *G* = Grin, *EG* = Evil Grin, *LOL* = Laugh Out Loud, *BG* = Big Grin, *SETE* = Smiling From Ear To Ear, *TGIF* = Thank God Its Friday, *BBL* = Be Back Later, *BRB* = Be Right Back, *ROTF* = Rolling On The Floor, *LMAO* = Laughing My Arse Off, *LMAOPMP*=Laughing My Arse Off Peeing My Pants, *ROTFLMAO* = Rolling On The Floor Laughing My Arse Off, *ROTFLMAOPMP* = Rolling On The Floor Laughing My Arse Off Peeing My Pants, *BTW* = By The Way, *FYI* = For Your Information, *KOTC* = Kiss On The Cheek, *KOTM* = Kiss On The Mouth, *KOTL* = Kiss On The Lips, *BTDT* = Been There Done That, *PIT* = Put It There, *GGP* = Gotta Go Pee, *PM* = Private Message, *WEG* = Wicked Evil Grin, *JK* = Just Kidding, *BKOTC* = Big Kiss On The Cheek, *RTFM* = Read The Frigging Manual, *IMHO* = In My Humble Opinion; *TTYL* = Talk To You Later, *TTFN* = Ta Ta For Now, *IOW* = In Other Words, *POTB* = Pat On The Back, *LITE* = Lick In The Ear, *SWTFPIC*= Said With Tongue Firmly Planted In Cheek, *PMP*= Peeing My Pants, *TIME*=Tears In My Eyes, *VBSEG*=Very Big S*it Eating Grin,