The Geek Space Dominion - Pg 10

The Geek Space Dominion

Page 10

Wormhole Aliens Stop the Insanity!

By Dorse Napel
On his way to declare war on the Romulenz and Vul-canz, Baaaaaaaap decided to take the short-cut through the Wormhole. Unfortunately he was attacked by the Wormhole aliens Larry, Moe, and Curly. Happily though, they were in a very good mood and decided to cure the station of it's insanity. They gave Baaaaaaaap the cure and sent him home to GS9. When he got there he put the cure into the atmosphere. Everyone on the station went back to normal within five seconds except Lieutenant Dux who had to finish singing the last verse of Sweetly Sings the Donkey to the science station in Oops.

Here It Comes!! Here it Comes!!

By Dorse Napel
Here it comes! Here it comes! Oh Bagloran Puppets, here it comes! The Domino is coming! Lieutenant Dux was on duty and reported that the Domino is coming! This time it's not just the Gem Had-our, it's the Flounders and the Vortex too!! Commander Sikto has given the order to panic and wants to evacuate! Starfeet officers and Baaaaaaaap first!
This just in! A message from the oncoming Domino fleet is has been intercepted. "Hey Starfeet! You're just a bunch of stinky people in uniforms!!!" Lieutenant Dux who has refused to leave Oops replied with this, "We are rubber and you are glue, what ever you say bounces off us and sticks to you." Captain Sikto thinks that reason she is staying is because she REALLY wants a promotion. More news later.

There it Goes! There it Goes!!

By Dorse Napel
It turns out that the Domino is not coming. The Gem Had-our, the Flounders, and the Vortex aren't coming. It seems that Lieutenant Dux faked the message so she could get a promotion. Luckily the fraud was seen by Noj. Everyone can now come back to the station now. Also, if anyone tries to steal an escape pod (that means you Oh Brain!) Commander Sikto will make it self destruct. Oh, and if anyone sees Lieutenant Dux tell her that she's been demoted to a red shirt ensign.

Dux's Advice Column

with help from Dorse Napel.

It's new!! It's informative! It's Dux's Advice Column!

Now for the first letter:
    Dear Dux (and Napel),
    I have tried and tried to get women to go out on dates with me. I have tried everything that I can think of. What should I do?
Lonely in the Infirmary.

Dear Lonely-
I know who you are! I know who you are! Bwa ha ha ha! I'm going to spread it around Starfeet command that you can't get ANYONE of ANY species to go out with you! Not even Zeeee-all, Do-cot's daughter!!! Bwa ha ha ha! The great Dux has spoken.
-Dux

Dear Lonely,
First of all, pay no attention to Dux, I think the poison that was in Qwak's cake is still affecting her. Second of all I would stop telling every woman you meet about how you get sick during zero-gee missions. May the Puppets guide you.
Dorse Napel

Next letter:

    Baap Bap bap Bappa,
    Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap! Baaaap!
    Baaaaaaaaap

Baaaaaaaaap-
Start talking in standard Starfeet English! I don't speak Baponese! The great Dux has spoken.
-Dux

Baaaaaaaaap,
Bap! Bappapa! Baap! Bap baapa Bappa baaap baaaaaaapap!
-Napel

That is all the letters that have been submitted to Dux's Advice Column this time.

Sikto Starts New Fashion

By Dux
Captain Sikto arrived at Oops today sporting a new uniform accessory, a red and white "Santa hat" which is apparently "real groovy". He has created a new rule which states that all senior staff must also wear the headgear. The new uniform item was apparently inspired when the captain lost a bet with his son Gate, and was forced to keep his word, in an attempt at being a good role model for his son, by wearing the hat. Garax, station's tailor, has announced that his store will be selling alternatives to the Santa hat, which include reindeer antlers, Bagloran turkey-tiaras, and decorative Klingon targ-horns.

Sikto Says

By Dorse Napel
Commander Sikto offers a few words of "wisdom" to everyone on the station.
  • Sikto says never eat soggy Wheaties.
  • Sikto says Dux report to Oops you're late again.
  • Sikto says (to Major Key-rack) if you want to chew gum in Oops bring enough for the entire crew.
  • Sikto says you better watch out, you better not pout, `cause Bash-up Claus is coming to the station.
  • Sikto says someone stole his baseball.
  • Sikto says all StarFeet officers come get your new uniform...Starfeet's changing `em again.
  • Sikto says if it's broken get Oh Brain to fix it.
  • Sikto says if someone broke the law get Oddo to fix it.
  • Sikto says if anyone sees Major Key-rack tell her to go see Doctor Bash-up.
  • Sikto says take me out to the ball game.
  • Sikto orders Dux to report to Oops because now she's really late.
  • Sikto says he's done and has nothing more to say right now.
  • Sikto also says you can look forward to more Sikto Says some other time.

Weather Control Malfunctions

By Dorse Napel
Early this morning Chief Oh Brain was fiddling with the weather control for GS9 when suddenly it exploded! Weather has gone insane on the station!!! It's snowing on the Promenade! A fog has rolled in on Oops! It's raining here! Everyone wants Oh Brain to fix the control and he responds to anyone questioning when it will be fixed 'sooner or later, hold on to your horses!' This leaves most of the GS9 citizens, who are mainly Baglorans, wondering what exactly is a horse? The press asked around and here are what some people think:
  • "Isn't that kind of like a hamster?" -Dux
  • "Horse? That rhymes with Dorse!" -Qwak
  • "I like to ride horsie, Dorsie," -Gate
  • "I haven't a clue what a horse is, and would everyone please stop calling Horsie Dorsie?" -Dorse Napel (Me)

Next Column


No one knows what a horse is! Right now we have Doctor Bash-up searching the computer for any clue to what a horse is. He will tell us once he finds the answer. Meanwhile, here's the station's weather report: It will partially cloudy with scattered showers in Oops and it looks like a wonderfully warm and sunny day in Garax's shop. Better stay away from Qwak's bar though, it looks like heavy sleet and hail. For the Promenade it looks like there will be a cold front coming in, better get out those jackets everyone! And that's all for the weather report, let's all pray to the Puppets Oh Brain gets the controls fixed soon!

"Bash-up Claus" Terrifies Classroom

By Oddo
Cake-oh's pre-school class was severely upset and shocked today to find Dr Bash-up residing in the classroom replicator. According to Cake-oh, he was "dressed in red, fluffy apparel, with several pillows stuffed inside the clothing". Rumour has it he was also donning a fake beard.
Gate Sikto, who is apparently "doing very well, for a slow-learner" had the initiative to call security, who arrested the doctor, whose foot was by this time stuck in the replicator. On being questioned, Bash-up confessed he was trying to be "Bash-up Claus", a weird, unexplained phenomenon which appears in children's homes on Earth and dispenses gifts around this time of year.
He has been placed in the brig until he manages to come up with a better explanation. Meanwhile, the classroom replicator is temporarily off-line, as Dr Bash-up's shoe is stuck in it.

Qwak Decorates Station

By Dorse Napel
This season for the holidays Qwak has put lights on the exterior of GS9 so that crew can show their holiday spirit!! It took Qwak a total 43.223 hours to get all the lights on, even with the help of Baaaaaaaaap, Moppy Oh Brain and other citizens of Geek Space Nine. From the wormwhole GS9 is quite a sight, so far we've fooled the Flounders of who we are because of the lights. They arrived and left because they thought we were something really big and scary. Commander Sikto expects to be able to scare away the Romulenz and a visiting StarFeet admiral with the lights too.
This just in! GS9 has lost all power because the lights have used up all the station's power! The station is totally defenceless against attack! Major Key-rack says not to panic, if anyone tries to attack GS9 they probably couldn't find it anyway because it's way too dark in space to see anything.

GS9 with Decorations
Geek Space Nine's new seasonal decorations.

Bash-up Released

By Oddo
Dr Bash-up was released from the brig today when he began singing repetitive and tuneless "Christmas carols", a human tradition, until everyone's ears were aching. He has been let off with the requirement that he never sings Christmas carols again.

No Power Lifestyle Enjoyed by Some

By Odo
Until Chief Oh Brain gets around to fixing the station's power supplies, it seems GS9 is stuck without power. This means we have no gravity, life support, environmental controls, lighting, and of course no computer function. Due to none of the replicators operating, roughly 89 percent of the crew of GS9 are currently in Qwaks, enjoying the handmade cuisine, which is, due to having no cooking power, raw and cold.
Qwak, resident morale officer, asked the Dominion to carry out an opinions poll on our predicament.

  • Gate Sikto: It iz fon haffin no gravitee!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • Dr Bash-up:Well I think it's a real adventure!!
  • Major Keyrack: It is the most fun I have ever had in my life.Note: We have reason to believe Major Keyrack was being sarcastic at the time of this statement.
  • Qwak: If it's good for business, it must be a good thing!
  • Chief Oh Brain:Could you just leave me alone? I'm trying to fix thi .... BZZZZZZZ

Sikto Saves Station

By Sikto
Thanks to the engineering brilliance of me, your commanding officer and superior, GS9 now has full power and properly-working environmental controls. If you would like to thank me, please leave your gifts and donations in my office.

Sikto Not So Great

By Oh Brain
All Captain Sikto did was kick the Dabo table. It is probably purely coincidental that the station regained full power and control of it's environment at that exact moment. The Captain has ordered me to take down the festive lights, and a small army of lowly ensigns are at this moment removing the display from the outside of the station. He told me I had to do this because everyone on Bagel was complaining that they couldn't go to sleep because the station was acting like a second sun, but I personally think it is because he is a spoil-sport.

Deafy Ant Missing

By Dorse Napel
Early today it was discovered that the Deafy Ant, ship StarFeet gave Commander Sikto for his last birthday, is missing!! Chief Oh Brain was going to the Deafy Ant to do some repairs and found that it was gone! Sikto, when he found out, fell over screaming really loudly that "it wasn't fair".
Oddo has rounded up suspects to question, suspects include: Dux, Bash-up, Jetty, Gate, and Key-rackyosh-he, the Oh Brain's new baby. Oddo has vowed to find who the suspect is before he leaves his office. Meanwhile Garax, Baaaaaaaap, and Wez Crushed have taken a runaround out to look for the missing ship. It was presumed stolen as is Qwak who disappeared about the same time as the Deafy Ant. By who?? Oddo and Cake Oh Oh Brain have concluded that Qwak and the Deafy Ant have been stolen by the USS Voyagee and it's crew. They don't know how or why the crew of the Voyagee stole Qwak and the Deafy Ant, so they are keeping Jetty for questioning because they think that he was an accomplice in the crime. For the return of Qwak and the Deafy Ant there is a 10 bar prize of latinum.

Anniversary Page

- A look back at last year's major events.

Next Issue: New station transportation utilitiy arrives!

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