[ Primordial Poker ]

1. A dripping faucet causes uncontrollable bladder urge.

2. A fortune teller offers to read your face.

3. After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat.

4. Dialing long distance wears you out.

5. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

6. The best part of your day is over when the alarm clock goes off.

7. The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

8. The little old gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.

9. You are startled the first time someone calls you Old-Timer.

10. You begin to outlive enthusiasm.

11. You burn the midnight oil after 9:00 P.M.

12. You decide to procrastinate but never get around to it.

13. You feel like the night before and you haven't been anywhere.

14. You finally reach the top of the ladder, and you find it leaning against the wrong wall.

15. You get all your exercise being pallbearer for your friends who exercise.

16. You get winded playing chess.

17. You join a health club and don't go.

18. You just can't stand people who are intolerant.

19. You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

20. You look forward to a dull evening.

21. Your back goes out more often then you do.

22. Your children begin to look middle-aged.

23. You regret all those temptations you resisted.

24. You remember today that yesterday was your wedding anniversary.

25. You're 17 around the neck, 44 around the waist, and 105 around the golf course.

26. Your favorite part of the newspaper is Twenty Five Years Ago Today...

27. Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

28. Your little black book only contains names ending in MD.

29. Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.

30. Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when a pretty girl walks by.

31. You sink your teeth in a steak and they stay there.

32. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

33. You stop looking forward to your next birthday.

34. You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.

35. You've got too much room in the house, and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.

36. You walk with your head held high trying to get used to your bifocals.

37. You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.

38. You're sitting on a park bench and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.

39. Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.

40. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

41. You tune into the easy listening station... on purpose.

42. You discover that your measurements are now small, medium and large... In that order.

43. You light the candles on your birthday cake and a group of campers form a circle and start singing Kumbaya.

44. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

45. You start video taping daytime game shows.

46. At the airport, they ask to check your bags...and you're not carrying any luggage.

47. You wonder why you waited so long to take up macrame.

48. Your Insurance Company has started sending you their free calendar...a month at a time.

49. At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.

50. Your new easy chair has more options than your car.

51. When you do the "Hokey Pokey" you put your left hip out... and it stays out.

52. One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.

53. Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."

54. It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.

55. You discover the words, "whippersnapper", "scalawag" and "by-crikey" creeping into your vocabulary.

56. You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.

57. You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."

58. You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

59. You look both ways before crossing a room.

60. Your social security number only has three digits.

61. You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.

62. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

63. You go to a Garden Party and you're mainly interested in the garden.

64. You find your mouth making promises your body can't keep.

65. The waiter asks how you'd like your steak...and you say "pureed."

66. At parties you attend, "regularity" is considered the topic of choice.

67. You start beating everyone else at trivia games.

68. You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.

69. Your back goes out more than you do.

70. Cafeteria food starts tasting GOOD.

71. You refer to your $2500 stereo system as "The Hi-Fi."

72. You make it a point to attend all the RV shows that come to town.

73. You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.

74. Your childhood toys are now in a museum.

75. Many of your coworkers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.

76. The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... come back in style.

77. All of your favorite movies are now revised in color.

78. The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.

79. You have more hair in your ears and nose than your head.

80. People are constantly putting a mirror under your nose while you nap; to see if you're breathing.

81. You finally find something you've been looking for, for ages; but can't remember WHY you wanted it.

82. You get to work before you discover; you forgot to get dressed.

83. You reach the toilet; you forgot what you wanted to do.

84. Tightening your belt becomes uncomfortable; under your armpits.

85. You can't finish a conversation, because you don't remember what you were talking about.

86. YOUR spare tire is larger than your car's.

87. You are abducted by aliens, but immediately returned; in favor of a living specimen.

88. Your top three favorite pastimes involve sleep.

89. You are declined as an organ donor; you're told they're not sure if your organs are functional.

90. Most of your sentences begin with, "When I was your age..."

91. Bob Dole refers to you as, "old man."

92. Going to the bathroom at night used to require, shoes, a candle and a corn cob.

93. The Smithsonian request your participation in an exhibit; "The Evolution Of Man."

94. The fire department is requested to attend your birthday party; in case the candles on your cake get out of hand.

95. George Burns calls to congratulate you on your birthday, saying, "It's just you and me, kid." Update: "Now it's just you, kid!"

96. The dictionary adds your picture; under the definition of "octogenarian."

97. You had to get rid of your dog; he kept trying to drag you to the yard to bury you.

98. Medicare states that you're too old for their coverage.

99. You can't be tried by a jury of your peers; because there are none.

100. Universities inquire about your donating your body to science; they are desperate for specimens of ancient civilizations.

101. Everyone is happy to give you a ride; because they don't want you behind the wheel.

102. Your dentist is fascinated by your wooden dentures.

103. Your bifocals need bifocals.

104. You're not allowed on most of the rides at DisneyWorld; because they may be too intense.

105. A passing funeral procession pauses; to see if you need a lift.

106. You convince an attractive young lady to sleep with you; but fail to convince your body parts to arise to the occasion.

107. Young girls feel safe in your presence; knowing you couldn't possibly do anything.

108. Watching paint dry has a certain fascination.

109. Children often innocently ask you; "What did people do before electricity?" And you can't remember.

110. You can remember seeing double features; for a nickel; sometimes with sound.

111. Charlton Heston comes to you for advice about his character, Moses; since you were there.

112. You are often asked to give a personal account; of the story of creation.

113. You often repeat things... You often repeat things... You often repeat things...

114. You discover the meaning of life, but forgot to write it down.

Order: Is each here? Does each have his opposite?

Chaos: I am here, but my opposite is you.

Order: Huh?

Evil: Don't let him bug ya'. We're here.

Truth: My opposite is not here.

Good: Is your opposite "Lies?"

Truth: My opposite is "Void." He couldn't make it.

Evil: *Snicker* Figures!

Order: Agh! How are we going to seat five! This table is made for six!

Evil: Just take out his chair and move over. Sheesh!

Good: I have the cards.

Evil: I've got the chips.

Truth: I have the beer.

Chaos: I have the cards!

Order: Shut up.

Order: Whose deal is it?

Evil: Do ya' gotta ask that EVERY time?

Truth: It is Good's deal.

Good: Okay, five card draw... Uh, everything is wild.

Evil: How can anyone win if everything is wild?

Good: No ONE can win, but we all can call ourselves winners if...

Order: I like this game.

Evil: This is pointless.

Truth: It is time to deal.

Good: Here we go! Your bet, Truth.

Truth: Five.

Order: Five and raise you five.

Evil: Don't you morons get it? It doesn't matter how much you bet!

Order: I like ten better.

Evil: *Sigh* Call...

Chaos: I fold.

Evil: YOU CAN'T LOSE!

Chaos: I still fold.

Good: Okay, I'll call. How many, Truth?

Evil: What's the point in taking more cards?

Truth: I will keep the cards I have.

Order: I will take two.

Evil: Why?!?

Order: I didn't like those.

Evil: None for me.

Chaos: I'll take six.

Good: Sorry, you folded. Dealer keeps his. Bets?

Evil: Oh, just get this over with.

Order: But now we have to bet!

Evil: Any money you put in, you're just gonna get back!

Truth: I'm in agreement with Evil. Let us show our cards. I have five aces.

Order: I have five ace of spades.

Chaos: I have a three.

Good: Please be quiet. I also have five aces. We all win.

Evil: Hold it bub. Six aces, read'em and weep.

Good: Where did you get that card?

Truth: He stole it from Chaos.

Evil: You know the rules, boys. The pot's mine.

Good: That was a stupid game.

Order: Whose deal is it?

Truth: The dealer progression is opposite the deal. Chaos deals.

Chaos: Whee!

All but Chaos: *Groan*

Chaos: Eleven card stud-hold'em with threes, eights, jacks, and kings wild... Fives count as fours, fours count as nines, and queens don't count unless there is a prime numbered spade showing...

Order: I fold...