Everybody in.....the show is about to begin.

A lot of people ask me what I do with my spare time. Besides bringing this fine website up to date every once in a while, I am a movie buff. That is mainly the reason I started the website. It's a place for me to tell you what I like and what I don't. Bop over to In the Dark to see what I think about recent movies. I have immortalized classic movies in the past. But now we travel into the seedier side of cinema, the realm of Hot Singles where Shannon Tweed is Queen, Marc Singer is king, and Don 'THE DRAGON' Wilson is head of security. Welcome to the land of B-cinema!

Due to popular demand, I will not be deleting old movies in the bazaar any more..so you can tell all your friends about me.

They say nothing is sacred. They are right. For a while, B-slasher flicks seemed to just cast the killer in a different profession. Legends were soon used afterward. Santa Claus was deflowered a long time ago in the film 'Silent Night, Deadly Night'. Mentioning Leprechaun around me gets the same reaction as it would mentioning it around Garth from 'Wayne's World' And now we have the unnameable horror that is....

JACK FROST

I have two words here. Killer snowman. And I don't mean a killer snowman as in an exceptionally well-scuplted one. I mean a snowman that kills people. You see, it's all very simple. Serial killer Jack Frost (what a coincidence) is being transported to the old death chamber when the prison truck he's in collides with a genetic research truck and the evil Jack Fost gets sprayed with some sort of....stuff...that chemically bonds him to...the SNOW!!! And not the 80's rapper, which in itself would be an evil evil thing, but the frozen water molecules. So JAck returns to town killing people in the most...ahem.....creative ways. How creative you ask?

Decaptiation by sled
An ax rammed down a guys throat
Sexual violation with a vegetable

This movie amazes with its tastelessness and unbelieveability. Oh sure, a killer snowman I can handle but death by toboggan? I 0 I don't think so. There are all the other prerequisites for a horror movie wihich makes it standard but rent this puppy and you will lose 90 minutes of your life that you will want back jsut so you can hit your face with a club...a much less painful experience...

BLACKULA

This blaxploitation movie as a Wicked movie and if you've ever seen Shaft, you'll know what I'm talking about. Thanks to a really cool place called the Times Cinema I recently lead my friends on a bad movie expedition to that era. (If you live in the Milwaukee area, hie thee to the cinema and get some good movies in your system.) The movie's name: Blackula.

How much simpler can you get for a title? It says it all. The movie is about a black vampire. Mummuwaldi (a name which we had a field day with) is an african prince sent to discuss the matter of slavery with Vlad who of course kills him and his beautiful wife. Since Vlad is the epitome of whitey, he also curses Mamma-Cita with his name....'BLACKULA!!' And the movie is off. It picks up as these two gay guys buy Drac's castle. Not to be crass but these guys were GAY. This is why these movies are so enjoyable. Everyone's a stereotype. The butch convinces the fem (who incidentally looks like a black Richard Simmons minus all the fat people hanging around) to haul all the creepy Dracula stuff to LA to put in their swinging pad. Apparently, Blacula is awoken by this guys loud scarf and he chomps both of the gay men and starts stalking the streets. He hangs out at one of his snack's funerals and find that his sister looks just like the wife that he lost so long ago. So, Blackula sets out on a quest to win his reincarnated lady love while all the while being chased by the Man and snacking away merrily.

There are so many parts of this movie that are deliciously horrible. There are the stereotypes. There's the Cool Cat, the Blue-Collar Black, the Creepy Mortician, the Crusty Cop, the Singe But Working Black Woman, and so on. There is the dialogue which mixes the Victorian diatribes of MacchuPicchu with the slang of the 70's. Who can forget the underlying message in Blacula's ability to swat the coppers away left and right? There are three scenes in this movie that stand out for meas hallmarks of crappy cinema.

*Anytime one of Blackula's victims shows up as undead it causes snickers but the slo-mo shot of the cabbie running down the morgue hallway just strikes me as hilarious. Maybe its her expression, maybe its the screeching reverb, maybe its becuase she takes out the creepy mortician.

*The cops track Blackula to the warehouse where his coffin is. The cops walk through the warehouse, supposedly searching it. Except they walk RIGHT PAST Blackula's coffin!
'Well, we're in the vampire's lair...'
'Think he might be in this coffin shaped box with handles on the side?'
'Naaahhhh...'

*At the end of the movie, the cops accidentaly kill his reincarnated wife and Blackula goes into a tirade about being the doombringer, etcetra. The problem is, they reverb and echo it out so much it sounds like he's speaking with a mouthful of saltine crackers.

If you ever get a chance to see this movie, don't pass it up. You will suddenly see how Joel Hodgeson and Kevin Murphy got their inspiration for MST3K.

LEGEND OF THE ROLLERBLADE SEVEN

Have you ever wanted to get a bunch of your buddies together with a camcorder and make some of your own movie magic? I'll admit, I have wanted to every now and again. I have talented friends and I think I could write a vehicle that could show of their talents. This movie should discourage any or all junior Tarrantinos from realizing their dream and makes we want to run for the mind numbing ugliness of 'Batman and Robin' or 'Mortal Kombat:Annihilation'. The awfulness of this movie is so visceral that you can't escape. It finds you under pillows, behind friends and even haunts your dreams. You will not want to see another movie for about a week after seeing this so plan ahead. Wait till after New Year's.

This would be the part where I summarize the plot. If there was a plot, I would summarize it. But I can't find one. I've looked. Really. I vaguely thing it has something to do with a rollerblading samurai. That's where the rollerblading and the legend part stem from. The only guess I can make about the seven part is the number of total people involved in making this film. But I can make fun of the direction. The director apparently believes an action scene is the same shot repeated over and over again 4 times in a row. In real movies they do that a lot with explosions but I feel no need to see slow-miving fight scenes over again. Speaking of the fight scenes, these people would have improved so much if they had ever seen and televised pro wrestling event. The combatants in the action scenes all seem to still be at rehearsing speed as the fights are filmed. Thw swordfights made me pine for the 'block, block, block, punch' simplicity of the Sinbad TV series. The actors are some very famous relatives. That was inititally the thing that made Paul pick this one up. the night previous we stayed up watching a movie that starred the brothers of various 80's action stars like Don Swayze and Mike Norris. Legend stars such illuminaries. There is Joe Estevez and of course, Frank Stallone. By some amazing coincidence, the poeple that aren't necesarily related to fame are the ones with their names in the credits the most.

The three 'highlights' of this film:
*The obnoxious video titlecards that explain the plot instead of using the characters for exposition. They don't help. The movie still is one big video set of stereo instructions. The titlecards are just like snippets of words you can make out.

*A guest appearance by Rhonda Scher, host of USA's Up All Night. Look, when a B-movie queen is considered a guest star, you know you're slumming.

*The undisputed King of all No Ways: During one of the School Zone Speed Limit fights, the hero tosses a knife to a prisoner underhanded which, she proceeds to catch in her mouth, HANDLE FIRST, and

SLIT THE THROAT OF HER CAPTOR WITH IT!!

Of course, they show this one three times in a row, and each time it gets more unbelievable.

If you get a chance to see this movie, don't pass it up. Horrors like this come once in a lifetime like the Atom bomb or the Vietnam War or a randomly selected show on UPN. Just don't eat first and make sure you have plenty of sedatives afterwards.

Enough of this madness. Where to now my liege?

Now this movie is worth paying money for....

I'm feeling woozy..let's go back...

I need a drink.

What gives you the right!?!? I LOVED this movie!