ARCHIVES

South Park:Bigger, Longer, and Uncut

Intro

synopsis

critical

Bottom Line: This movie is a true roller-coaster ride of morality. If you can handle it, you'll go again.

Grade=A

Wild Wild West

Intro

synopsis

critical

Bottom Line: People that play Deadlands might appreciate it more than the usual summer crowd.

Grade=C+

The General's Daughter

Intro

synopsis

critical

Bottom Line: A slick but ultimately disposable thriller.

Grade=B-

Austin Powers:The Spy who Shagged Me

Movies usually don't age very well. People look at the outdated hair, the old special effects, and the catchphrases that have been worn threadbare and wonder why they ever bought the T-shirt. Notice how people don't waer those Jurassic Park Hats they bought, or still play their Independence Day video game. A rare few movies stand the proverbial test of time. Then there are Mike Myers movies, which seem to get better with age. I'll admit it; I didn't like "So I Married An Ax Murderer" when I first saw it. Yet, over the next few weeks, I found lines of dialogue seeping into my everyday vocabulary, like "HEAD! PANTS! NOW!" and "Eeeeevil, like the fruits of the deeeevil..." and the next time I watched it, I'll be damned if I didn't enjoy it more. The same happened with Wanye's World 2 and the first Austin Powers. The only movie I liked out of the gate was Wayne's World. So what about his latest movie, the biggest of them all?

'The Spy Who Shagged Me' has a simple if loopy premise. Austin's nemesis, Dr. Evil, travels back in time to steal Austin's 'mojo', which essentially his libido and prevents Austin from doing what he does best: shagging beautiful women. So, Austin travels back in time as well and, with the help of the devastatingly delicious Heather Graham, tries to foil the bad doctor.

This movie does have its moments. Mini Me, the dwarven clone of Dr. Evil, steals every scene that he's in. The segements with Dr. Evil in general are the most entertaining parts of the movie. Rob Lowe does a great Robert Wagner impression as Number 2, the younger version. One of the funniest segments is a verbal reprise of the 'hide the naughty parts with innocent items' and the movie is generally very funny. However, Heather Graham is grossly underused. She just stands there looking hot and wwhile it's something she excels at, she could have done more. There are some bits that are recycled from the first movie and the movie in general shies away from the 'spy movie' spoof and into Farrelly Brothers lunacy.

Bottom Line: Like a fine wine, this movie will get better with age and repeated viewings. Until then...

Grade=B-

The Phantom Menace

If you want to know what I think about the wicked huge marketing juggernaut that accompanied The Phantom Menace, click here. If you want to know what I thought of the movie, buckle up.

I liked it.

"But, Rob, you are the champion of substance over style! How could you like this movie? It was offensive to minorities, the acting was wooden, Jar Jar should be shot, and it is no where near the coolness of the original Star Wars! My dreams have been crushed! I was hoping to be an obscure web journalist like you someday but you sold out, man!"

Well, excuse they hell out of me for actually succumbing to the military.industrial/media complex for once. But hey, this is Star Wars. Lucas could have cast potatoes in the main roles and I still would have lined up to see it. As for what we got, I'm happy with it for the most part.

Everybody knows what the movie is about and I'm sure everyone's seen it by now. So, I'll cut to the chase. The movie was good. Jar Jar wasn't as bad as I thought. More Darth Maul and Jedi Fu. Less bad accents. More Ewan McGregor.

Grade=A-

Payback

I like film noir. Every since I can remember, I always wondered what it would like to be alive in the 30's working as a gumshoe and living the stories I read about in Raymond Chandler novels. Noir in movies is making a comeback as well in traditional and non-traditional styles. A non-traditional film noir would be Dark City, a movie I urge you to go out and buy immediately. More traditional noir can be seen in the Oscar-winning LA Confidential or in director Brian Helgelad's follow up, Payback.

Mel Gibson stars as Porter, a down on his luck lowlife who got sent up the river follwing a crime that his best friend and his girlfriend set him up to do time for. When he gets out, all he wants is his money. He proceeds to go through everyone and their brother trying to get this money, as the mafia percieves him as the biggest threat to them this side of Elliot Ness. Can Porter fight his way to the top and get the money he rightfully stole?

Of course he can. He's Mel Gibson.

But is it worth watching? I liked Payback because it keeps true to the noir essence of people doing what they do because that's the way they are. Porter isn't on a crusade for love or revenge ior justice; he just wants his money. The only thing that dettracted from this might have been Gibson's alleged meddling in the movie. The ending is a little to happily-ever-after for my tastes, and Gibson once again portrays a hero that can take insane amounts of physical torture and still kick bad guy ass. Mel, chicks dig it when you let them pay for the check and shoot the bad guy too.

Bottom Line: A good little movie that could have been great.

Grade=B+

A Simple Plan

If you are a geek such as myself, the name Sam Raimi should mean something to you. Raimi is responsible for two of the modern bastions of sci-fi and fantasy, both of which involve Bruce Campbell to some extent. The first is the Evil Dead trilogy, which features Campbell as a snide action hero that could take on any action superstar and bust him without breaking a sweat. The other is the 'Hercules/Xena' syndicate, which has done a lot to educate modern kids about Greek mythology and given lesbians a chance to go to Ren Fairs in something a little more interesting. Raimi's work is like a live-action comic book painted with very broad strokes. Everything has at least one Raimi-cam mounted on a fist, bullet, or other weapon and usually has some slapstick humor to lighten things up. Raimi has decided to sterch out past his strengths and has made a Campbell-less film that tries to be artistic as well as entertaining. This film is "A Simple Plan" and its turns Sam's comic-book roots into a graphic novel maturity.

This film is a small ensemble peace starring Bill Paxton and Billy Bob Thornton as a pair of small town brothers who, along with Billy Bob's redneck friend (Brent Brisco), discover a downed airplane containing a duffel bag with $4 million dollars in it. Paxton wants to report the money but soon sways to Thornton and Briscoe's to sit on the money and spend it. What follows is a story of cover-up, betrayal, and murder.

This is a story you've heard hundreds of times before. The group of friends destroyed by the treasure they found is a story that's been around for ages but 'A Simple Plan' is a refreshing movie. Raimi uses a lot of his stylish tricks that he's developed over the years but in a much more mature and subdued manner. This group is not torn apart by greed or hatred but by fate and happenstance. The movie reads like a Greek tragedy on a small scale. The great man (Paxton) finds himself choked by a tightening web of accidents and plans gone horribly wrong. Bridget Fonda gives a wonderful performance as Paxton's wife, a quiet co-conspirator who hides a manipulative mind in the body of a new mother. Thornton does well as the slackjawed brother, but the real surprise of the show is Paxton. He's been in the thick of so many sci-fi and CGI-fests that you forget he can turn in a decent performance.

Bottom Line: Don't expect zombies or chainsaws. Do expect a good tragedy and shotguns.

GRADE=A-

In Dreams

I've always had a tough time coming up with the titles for my stories. On the one hand, you want something that can sum up your theme or purpose in writing the piece while being just the slightest bit clever. On the other hand, you don't want to be trite and punny. A tactic I discovered when I was twelve was naming the story after a song that vaguely fit the story. I remember a Carrie-esque little ditty that never made it into the school paper entitled 'Devil In a Blue Dress". Hollywood, showing its relative sophistication, has been using this process for years, hoping they can snag people going into "Simply Irresistible' thinking it's the long-awaited Robert Palmer bio pic starring Sam Neill as Robert Palmer. "In Dreams", the new Psycho-illogical thriller starring Annette Benning and directed by Neil Jordan (no relation to Michael), follows in those footsteps, named after a Roy Orbison song. And to my non-surprise, the movie is just as original as its title.

Annette plays Claire, a woman who has had psychic dreams for most of her life. Lately, she's gotten the feeling that someone has been trying to contact her through these dreams. Almost at the same time this began happening, someone started kidnapping and murdering small children. I'm sure there's no connection, right? Things pick up when her own daughter becomes the victim of this kidnapper and her marriage starts to buckle under the strange combination of her premonitions and her grief over the death of her daughter. Claire finds herself institutionalized and starts to pick up more and more clues as to the identity of the killer; a deranged man named Vivian (An extended cameo of Robert Downey, Jr.). She escapes from the asylum and heads for a face-off with the killer.

I got free tickets to this movie, and to be perfectly honest, I spent most of my time out in the lobby talking to a friend of mine that works at the theater. She was much more interesting that this movie. Neil Jordan, director of the Crying Game and Interview with the Vampire, is able to squeeze some interesting sequences out of this movie. The escape from the asylum which flashes back and forth from young Vivian's escape years ago to Claire's today is neat, but the rest of the movie has been done before and done better. Benning spends the movie saying the phrase "I'm having the dreams again" in one of infinite variations. Robert Downey Jr. does a longhaired Norman Bates impression decently but there's nothing new here. The biggest problem I have with this movie is its central event. To create a new reservoir, a town in rural Calfornia was apparently flooded and its residents evacuated elsewhere. Vivian, apparently unloved by his mother, was chained to his bed. The town was flooded, and he was left to drown. You'd think the authorities would have checked the town one last time before they flooded it.

"Find anything, Fred?"

"Just a kid chained to a bed, Earl."

"Well, that'd take too much time to deal with. Let 'er rip!"

The flooding itself seems like a really weird thing to do for a reservoir. Why leave the town underwater? It's an intriguing idea but seems too much in the realm of strange truth to be idealized as fiction.

Bottom line: It's 'Hideaway' mixed with Psycho, just add water. (Special thanks to Paul for this Bottom Line)

GRADE=D

The Truman Show

This is a movie about a child who was raised from birth while on live TV. If you think this is a whacked out premise, look at the local TV listings. Names like 'Candid Camera', 'Road Rules', 'World's Scariest Police Chases', 'When Animals Attack', and 'When Lesbians Rage' should jump out as reality TV. These shows expose the voyeuristic core of entertainment. Truth may be stranger than fiction but fiction is the foundation of truth. Compare the communicator from the old Star Trek TV show to the cell phones of today. Could the Truman Show be the model of the network's fall season in 10 years? Possibly. Just ask Puck or any of the kids from 'The Real World'. Is the Truman Show a movie worth seeing? Definitely. Beats the hell out of Jurassic Park 3. Can a man who talked out of his ass be taken seriously as an actor? Sure. Just ask Robin Williams.

Truman Burbank is a real person raised in an artificial environment. His friends andfamily are actors. His town is a studio. Even though he has an explorer's spirit, his travel-stopping fear of water is also manufactured by a scripted boating accident that took the life of his father. The Truman Show is the best thing running. People gather in bars to watch it. Truman is left on at night as a nightlight. The only anti-Truman sentiment is a small activist group led by a former extra on the show that fell for Truman. She was forcibly ejected when Truman started falling for her instead of the pre-determined wife the show was setting up. But even the errily pictureesque utopia constructed for him isn't perfect and he soon begins to catch on.

Yes, Jim Carrey is a good actor. I, unlike most of the critics I've read, am not surprised. He did some dramatic work in a TV movie during his 'In Living Color' days before he busted out the comedy whuppin stick. He portrays Truman with a doe-eyed innocence that a child raised in such an environment should have. The world revolves around him. He just goes with the flow. The premise is intriguing and Peter Weir has a knack for busting well-known actors out of their niches. Robin Willams got his first big thrust as a dramatic actor in Weir's 'Dead Poet's Society'. Harrison Ford avoided a Action-Movie Star fate by starring in 'Witness'. Weir handles the subject by invoking the same sense of wonder that fills Truman as he discovers his manufactured world. He doesn't get hung up on the underlying themes...which is much better for after-movie philosophy anyway.

When I sat down to do this review I was originally going to bitch about two performances in this movie. I thought Truman's wife, Meryl, was too artificial and the creator of the show, Christof, wasn't egomanaiacal enough. Then I realised that's what they actors were going for. Laura Linney, the actress portraying Meryl, wanted to show that Truman's 'wife' was nothing more than a glorified pitchwoman. She was an artificial attempt at something human and real, just as fake as the dome covering the town. I also though Christof should have been controlling and over the top. But then I realized if Ed Harris would have done that I would have hated it. the guys name is Christof. Anything less subtle and I would have had my English major revoked. My only complaint about the move was the ratio of mishaps to time spent in the movie. In the course of one day, a star nearly crushed on him, he sees backstage, and his supposedly dead father returns to see him. How they kept the secret quiet for 30 years and then one day, oops. It almost rates as a no way.


Bottom Line:This is the summer's think movie. Try not to pull anything at Webbs afterwards.
Line of the Flick: "Cue the sun."-----Christof wielding his goldlike power in the fictional suburb of Seahaven.

GRADE=A

GODZILLA

Hollywood apparently doesn’t understand the idea of leaving well enough alone. Somewhere there’s a executive trying to figure out how to do ‘Titanic II’. Somewhere a bidding war is being fought for the ‘Webster’ big-screen adaptation and Chris Rock is being considered for the title role. Somewhere ‘Casablanca’ is being made with Brad Pitt as Bogart who gets caught up in a love triangle between Julia Roberts and Drew Barrymore. Every time I heard about a remake, I cry just a little bit inside. When my hardy band of filmgoers and I went to ‘Godzilla’, as retold by Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich, I knew it wasn’t going to be a rubber guy in a suit and a pair of fairies screaming “Return our egg! Return our egg!” What I didn’t realize was that the masters of derivation had made Jurassic Park 3.

The movie starts with a seven-eqsue montage of French nuclear testing. Those damn frogs are responsible for the monster and they know it too. Wine-swilling bastards, all of them! That’s why they send super-suave secret agent Jean Reno to deal with. The Americans counter with nerdy radiobiologist Matthew Broderick. He plays the part equivalent to the little Japanese boy named Ken in the original movies. He knows Godzilla’s actions are just instinctual and tries to argue with the big, bad, and notably incompetent military machine. Meanwhile, Godzilla drops the big elbow on the Big Apple, causing almost as much damage to the city as the last D-E Enterprise entitled ‘Independence Day’. Throw in a love interest and some brassy New Yawkers for comic relief and you have an attempt to bring a cult movie into the mainstream.

The problem with doing that is the unknown element that raised a movie from bad movie to cult classic. I like to call that element Tim Curry. I have this theory that he was the guy in the Godzilla suit…but that’s for another time. Anyway, this movie cribs a lot of its action scenes and script from someone’s fanfic attempt at Jurassic Park three. The new Godzilla looks pretty much like a T-rex and the extended chase scene through the ruins or Madison Square Garden reads like the raptor chase through the ruins of the main building in ‘Jurassic Park’. I’m not surprised or anything. That’s what Devlin does. I just am upset at how the elements just don’t seem to mesh. The Centropolis boys make the ultimate popcorn movies. They are light, fluffy foods covered in things that are probably bad for you. Godzilla is missing the operatic charm of ‘Independence Day’. It also is a movie that just doesn’t quite to get its source material either as a rubber suit movie or as a metaphor for nuclear tragedy. Godzilla can’t seem to see the city for the buildings.


Bottom Line:Leave giant rubber monster movies to the Jspanese. They can do them with dignity.
Line of the Flick: "Heeeere leezard leezard"-----The Gordita dog, speaking dialogue in a tie-in that was much more intelligent and entertaining than anything in the movie.

GRADE=C-

Lost In Space

"Bring me the skull of Akiva Goldman," I cried with my eyes still burning from 'Batman and Robin'. All the elements were in place for another cinematic pileup on I-94. The screenwriter of 'Batman and Robin' had been released from his cage at the zoo and given a word processor---again. The movie was chock full of special effects. The big name cast was assembled. Someone from Friends was involved. Bad tidings perched on the horizon like a gargoyle. All we needed was a rave review from the American Urban Radio Network and the circle would be complete. But, I knew I needed to see the movie for you, the loyal readers of the Cultural Blender. I did it for the people.

The Space Family Robinson (pun intended) plans on journeying out to beautful Alpha Prime to colonize the world in hopes of saving humanity from running out of natural resources back home. The Robinsons are archtypically dysfunctional. Even throwbacks to the sixties can't be happy I guess. John Robinson (the slumming William Hurt) is married more to his work than his wife, Maureen (the fresh-from-the-erotic-thriller-farm-team Mimi Rogers). Judy (the yummy Heather Graham) is a tomboy following in dad's footsteps, Penny (the annoying Lacey Chabert) is the angst-ridden middle child, and Will (Jack Johnson) is the brilliant kid that Dad is too busy to notice. Add to this mix a cocky pilot (the vapid Matt LeBlanc as Maj. Don West), a treacherous villian (the brooding Gary Oldman as Dr. Smith) and his begging to be made into a toy Robot (played by...er....the Robot). Suffice to say they get off track otherwise the title of the movie wouldn't make sense and try to find their way home.

This is an example of a nice little sci-fi picture that can overcome some of the negative press is soaks up and make a decent, if forgettable, ride out of it. Most of the performances are decent and the special effects are shiny as usual. I was never a big fan of the source material so I am unsure as to how well this movie holds up but frankly I don't care. What I have seen of the show dates it as a goofy/campy sci-fi show. Star Trek has that same feel but look at how well that franchise has matured. Gary Oldman is still wonderful and Matt LeBlanc even turns in a good job as the wooden, stereotypical pilot. Maybe because he's a wooden, stereotypical actor. As for Akiva Goldman, he got away this time but let him anywhere near a superhero again and he's going down. Mark my words!


Bottom Line:Sometimes things with the worst seperate ingredients turn out to be pretty decent drinks when mixed properly.
Line of the Flick: "And the monkey flips the switch."-----Matt LeBlanc, powering up the Jupiter 2 after complaining that a primate could fly the damn thing.

GRADE=B+

Wild Things

If it weren't for the B-grade erotic thriller, some of Hollywood's biggest names would be jobless. Sharon Stone's popularity opened wide after Basic Instinct. (As an extra-nummy trivia nugget, Kim Basinger was orginally cast in the role that Sharon Stone made famous. Guess Kim had already committed to 'My Stepmother is an Alien') Mira Sorvino did her time in the B-leagues with an entry in the 'Red Shoe Diaries'...which incidentally kept David Duchovny's bills paid until he got that cushy X-files job. And Shannonn Tweed parlayed her success as the queen of the soft-core into a shot at stardom with "Assault on Devil's Island" starring Hulk Hogan and Carl Weathers. Okay, so not everyone makes the cut. Wild Things, a tale of sex, murder, and swamps will be the template for erotic thrillers for the next five years. 'Fatal Attraction' begat the 'psycho woman stalking a helpless guy' subgenre. 'Basic Instinct' begat the 'helpless guy drawn to a psycho woman' genre. As you can see, there really aren't that many differences in this area. Movies like this are gone to for one reason; the hopes that the latest Hollywood starlet gets naked. No one went to 'The Crush' to see Cary Elwes. Everyone went to see the 'Aerosmith Girl', lated unmasked to be Alicia Silverstone. Wild Things promises two girls in the buff; a dark and pouty Neve Campbell(Scream) and a tan and taut Denise Richards(Starship Troopers). I'll get the paperwork out of the way first. The only flesh of note seen are Richards breasts and Kevin Bacon's....er....bacon. I know what you;re here for. If that's all ya came here for, move on. If you actually care what the movie is about, keep reading.

Wild Things is set in the fictious Florida town of Blue Bay. Blue Bay is so attractive the garbage smells like incense. Matt Dillon plays Sam Lombardo, a high school guidance counsellor that all the girls titter about in the locker room. Denise Richards plays Kelly Van Ryan, the top senior cheerleader who plans to know Sam in the biblical sense much as her mother did. Suddenly, she pops a bootlegger and accuses Sam of rape. A trial ensues when Suzie Toller (Neve Campbell), a white trash ne'er do well that Sam helped limp through high school, also lays down a rape accusation. The only man Sam can turn to is sleazaholic lawyer Ken Bowden (Bill Murray. Amen.) Suzie's testimony falls through and Sam slaps the Van Ryans with a lawsuit. Something strikes Detective Ray Duquette (Kevin Bacon) that something is rotten in the state of Florida and it ain't the Marlins. The movie then takes a decent number of twists and turns with switcheroos, you-mean-he's, and oh-wow-I-never-would-have's. Make sure you stay through the credits because there are some scenes at the end that may help you get caught up with the rest of the class.

'Wild Things' is the kind of movie that you can see once and have enough of. It doesn't warrant multiple viewings and there is hardly any sex in a movie who's ad campign was essentially built on titilation. If this were one of the B-movie erotic thrillers I mentioned in the opening I think I would be upset at the noted absense of nudity but the movie's twists and turns got me engaged enough at the end to give it a passing grade. Most of the performances were very good but special note must be made of Bill Murray, whose presense along kicked up the grade an entire letter. You want slam dunks? Go to Jordan. You want smooth. Call Pierce Brosnan. You want sleazy? Bill is the go-to guy. Bill knows how to hit the right distance between stuck in sleaze and revelling in it. When he dies, someone better retire his smirk.


Bottom Line: It's a mild roller coaster ride, like the ones at the State Fair as opposed to a movie like Scream, which is one of the blue behemoths at Six Flags. It's rickety and doesn't look too good but you'll come out of it smiling.
Line of the Flick: "If I were you I'd watch my new friends real closely."-----Kevin Bacon

GRADE=C+