ACT TWO
(Rudolpho and Dirk, with their mighty legions, are camped out just outside Boinkarro. They are crouching behind a bush, examining their target.)

Rudolpho - Ah, how noble 'twould be to penetrate that large, dark hole which is the entrance of Boinkarro.

Dirk - Indeed, my liege lord and master. Mark thee - the moist shrubbery that doth lineth that tempting hole maketh me hard as a soldier, and stand up straight for the conquering! (Stands up, proud).

Rudolpho - (Pulling Dirk down). Sit thee down, you twit. We want naught to be seen. Yet, hark! What is this ... (Minerva is walking into the city).

Dirk - Master! 'Tis a woman, entering that door! What think you on't?

Rudolpho - Gods upon high, a woman penetrating the city entrance! Ah, look upon her, how she boldly enters that crown of bush that doth line that dark entrance. She doth tempt me to enter it so myself. 'Tis making me hard too, Dirk, and ready to stand up for the battle! (Stands up).

Dirk - (Pulling Rudolpho down). Sit thee down you twit ... er, my liege.

Rudolpho - Come, my good man, to town, us. (Rudolpho and Dirk, followed by their army, approach the city gate, only to be greeted by a big rubber man named hymen.)

Hymen - Halt! Who goes there ... art thou the pizza boy? You're an hour late.

Rudolpho - 'Tis the mighty crown of Spain!

Dirk - Stand and unfold yourself!

Hymen - Who's the petite rogue?

Dirk - 'Tis I, Dirk, liegeman to the Great Spick!

Hymen - Hast thou proper i.d.? (Rudolpho and Dirk look at each other quizically, whispering to each other.)

Rudolpho - Whatever dost thou mean?

Hymen - Why, thou needst a proper i.d. to enter yon village.

Dirk - One dost? (Searching pockets) But driveth we did not! (Whispering to Rudolpho) Sir, I know not of such a regulation. 'Tis not in thy book of laws?

Rudolpho - Consult the book of laws!

Lawbook-bearer - (singing) Pie Jesu Domine, Dona Eis Requiem. (Leafs through book) Your highness, there doth be nothing in yon sacred book about proper i.d. requirements in the village of Boinkarro.

Rudolpho - Then solved be this problem! (Moving through the gate, only to bounce off of Hymen). Yield thee, o rubbery of rubber men! Cans't thou not see that I be of Noble birth?

Hymen - Tis not thy birth, but thy age. i.d. or I shall be forced to discard you to yon lake.

Dirk - What! Speakst thou in such manner t'wards thy king?

Hymen - Pip pip, silence thy self, lest I make ye a skewer to mine own wanton needs (winks at Dirk).

Rudolpho - Canst thou not see, that all men here are well over the age of thirteen, the legal age? What be in yon village, that needeth i.d. from one's own king? (Trying to peek over Hymen's shoulder)

Hymen - (slowly) Lots. And lots. And lots. Of busty tavern wenches.

All - Gods on high! (Falling to knees)

Dirk - (desperately) I can bear this no longer! My liege! Attack!

(The army stands, barrels straight into Hymen, with all force, until hymen finally streches out and snaps, and the army tumbles into a grand grove of cherry trees. They chop through the grove and make their way into the center of the city.)

Minerva - (Walking up to Rudolpho) Sir! How darest thou burst through our fine Hymen! And without proper i.d.! Bah! The double standard, I see!

Rudolpho - Protest not, m'lady. You'd get your Hymen burst sooner or later, i.d. or no i.d. 'Tis the 1200s, we are much more modern now. Besides, 'tis much more fun going in and out of the village without Hymen to block the way.

Minerva - Mayhaps thou be'st right.

Random soldier - (runs up, panting) My leige! Tis bliss! The wenches here are so busty! We dare not leave! But your majesty, 'tis not time to proclaim hither village in thy name?

Rudolpho - Oh! Yes! Of course. (yelling) I hereby proclaim this town of Boinkarro, in the name of the Crown of Spain, Rudolpho Jimenez Garcia Panchito Herrerra Pogosa Pacheco Martinez Smith the Third!

Random busty wench - But your Highness, this village doth already belong t'ye.

Rudolpho - Oh. (looks at Dirk) Well, that doth settle that, doth it not?

Dirk - What, ho! Onwards, mighty army, to yonder busty tavern wench tavern, for a break!

(exeunt)