Other than basing movies on a published work, movie producers seem to have a greater fetish in making films based on films that are already been made, or on true stories, and hey, there's even a rash of TV shows been remade for the big screen. Originality. Where did all the original ideas go? And way more often than not, moviegoers have voted with their feet and their heads when deciding whether or not they should go to a film like this. And who said Hollywood didn't plagarise? Some stupid bastard.
Film is a word for word remake Film stars or is directed by someone who did the original Film based on TV series Film based on true story Film is a remake Film is a parody Film suggests that it is in the tradition of Film is based on an airport novel Plot of film involves hunting ANOTHER serial killer Film is a sweetened up tale of original
Worth:-250
Worth:-100
Reason for deduction: Here we go. Is there anything more special than a film that works from exactly the same script as of the original and then tries to pan it off as the better product. We think so. This is because this film has the audacity to go where no hard working, talented piece of shit goes because the spoil sport wants to go away and make an original concept. Who do they think they are? Come on. You have all the resources in front of you, you don't have to use you brain there, so what are you waiting for. You know what the best part is. If you take it from a foreign movie and then do it in English, you'll be bagged by the critics because you ripped it off, but the average paying public are going to hail you as genius because they aren't gonna go see a foreign film because then they will have to use their brains to read the subtitles at the same time as watch the action on the screen. Hey, and what's more, you'll be lauded by Hollywood, get a three picture deal and have all the dumb starlets who will sleep with you just so they can show their tits on the big screen. And who's complaining?
- Oh sorry! That guy back in the foreign country who you gave $100,000 for their script, only that you put it in their currency and it ain't worth a piece of shit.
- So, what's the deduction for, you ask? If you don't know by now then go to Paris, just under the Eiffel Tower and ask the guy who sits there flipping up a 10 franc coin that just happened to make such classics as The Three Fugitives, The Birdcage, My Father, the Hero (sic, big time, we're sorry) and Father's Day, only to get that 10 franc coin he is flipping for signing the rights of the script over the bloody Ivan Reitman (Father's Day, the worst of the lot).
- But, then again, we were talking to that guy the other day and he says that he also made Coneheads, Tommy Boy and Black Sheep, and there wasn't a dry eye in the house (they were all crying because they paid to see these pieces of leftover dog shit they advertise in a French Restaurant, "Le Villeires", as a Southern France delicacy).
- Last P.S - Sorry to Francis Veber, who is the guy we are talking about here, but we know, we know, you're doing it for the money. (And that guy under the Eiffel Tower has now claimed to write that new Stanley Kubrick flick, 'The Killing', {check out Kubrick's filmography if you don't know what we mean})
Worth:-150
Reason for deduction: Remember us Francis Veber. Yeah, we are the guys from the last section, and you're a part of this section too. Does there seem to be a problem Francis, because you seem to like your movies to be ripped off (even the bad ones). Anyway, vindications aside, this category is for those films out there that couldn't be bothered with having a go at another project, so they come to Hollywood and make that film again, only, this one will actually be seen by cinema goers.
Worth:-500
Reason for deduction: Duh, Da, Duh, Duh, DuhDuhDuh. Yes, this is the category you've been waiting for. So, honestly, without panning through the pages of the next Leonard Maltin suckfest, can you name any good movies that are made from television series. Don't hear anyone. Speak up. Come on, we are not going to hurt you now. Alright, alright, you can't, so here's an easier question, has there ever been a good television series? OK, OK, we hear ya, but seriously, ponder the question more deeply - Has there ever been a good television series? - Now, if you can come up with ten reasons why this TV series was good that don't include the usual fan crap or anything to do with the formula, then it must be truly special. If that is the case, apply these reasons to the movie itself, and if one of those ten reasons are not met in the movie, then the deduction occurs.
So then, we'll bet you $100 million if you can email the list of ten reasons and the name of the show to controlanarchy@hotmail.com. And if it complies with those reasons, hey, you're $100 million richer. And yeah, the deduction stays because it's a TV series (sorry, but that's Anarchy for ya - hey, what was that Johnny. We're broke. Oh shit, I better stop the voice recognition on this thing. Son of a bitch, uh, uh, stop it you piece of shit, there that'll do it).
Worth:
Reason for deduction: {start of transcript} Hello, I'm Max Const, and I'm here to introduce to you tonight this made for TV movie from 1996 called 'If Only'. Starring Kate Hanshaw and Toby O'Brian, it is based on the true story of Carla Ragwell, an ordinary woman whose caught up in an extraordinary situation, that includes her dentist giving her a filling. This fascinating insight into Carla's tragic three months where her dentist gives her the full treatment - a root canal, tooth cleaning and eventually tooth capping with highly expensive procelain - This highly imaginative film comes to a tragic end, and without further a do, 'If Only'. {end of transcript}
- This is a transcript off the Hallmark Pay TV network about the movie of the night on the 21st of September 1998. And we gotta tell ya, it was fascinating stuff, watching Carla get her teeth done with the doctor covering the gory details of what is going on. And that twist ending, at age 54, she has to go to her dentist to get false teeth after she swallowed them after eating a piece of steak. What thrilling stuff!
- If only all true stories were so thrilling (deduct away we say).
Worth:-100
Reason for deduction: There is a fine line between good parodies and bad parodies, and really it all comes down to who can look the least stupidest at the end of the day, or who can walk away and say that "some things didn't work, but there were others that did, and I gotta tell ya, the crowd laughed anyway, so who gives a shit". OK, the Naked Gun series worked, and the original Flying High was worth it, but most of the other all of a sudden become rip-off and just another bunch of remakes that are so bad that it hurts. We think it's about time that a morotorium should be made for all parodies, and that we should leave it at that.
Worth:-75
Reason for deduction: Those four words that will get any sucker in "In the tradition of...". Yeah, right, "In the tradition of much better films" is what they are actually stating. It's the biggest gip in the movie business and it continues to sucker a helluva lot of people still to go see these films. That's the problem with people, and that's why eveyone of us would get suckered by a con man. We see Hollywood as one big con man. It has a range of movies that come out every year and they know the ones that people are most likely to go to, so they give them big glossy premieres and a rabid trailer that must have a prerequisite of five explosions, even if they haven't got any in the actual film. There are others such as the chick flicks and drama films that are always gonna have there selective audiences, so they know that they're gonna get screwed by some large demographic, so what they do is market the film to what their strengths are - actors, genres, awards, relations to other movies, catchy crap tagline, etc. - The most common of course, is the actor. Then it is the relations to any other movies and that is where a lot of movies are stuck at. So, if you see a movie that suggests "In the tradition of" at a cinema near you, quickly get your gun and show the studio proprietor what you think of them apples.
Worth:-50
Reason for deduction: (Go to Section 10)
Worth:-20
Reason for deduction: Serial Killer, huh? We remember them days when a serial killer was just a guy who would like the smell of blood and did as many as possible so that he could gain a reputation as the one who's killed the most. Nowadays, you can kill two and your a serial killer. And an easy one to catch too. This is the biggest load of bullshit that has ever been emitted to the screen. Serial killers take pride in their work and command respect. They don't need dumb cop waltzing in and catching them because of some whiz bang theory they cooked up during a long bout of watching TV on the couch alone (like most cop are of course). Well, if that nice loner cop Morgan Freeman comes along and tries to solve a crime, run for the hills serial killers, he may just pull another out of mid air (or have Brad Pitt shoot you up, we'd prefer this way)."Film is a word for word remake"
"Film is a remake"
"Film stars or is directed by someone who did the original"
"Film based on TV series"
"Film is based on a true story"
"Film is a parody"
"Film suggests in the tradition of"
"Film is based on an airport novel"
"Plot of film involves hunting ANOTHER serial killer"