In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (Freshman) raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar in male semen?"

"That's correct", responded the professor, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class and never returned. However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was classic. . .

Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."

A guy is talking to God and asks, "Hey, God? What does 100 million years seems like to you?"

God answers, "One hundred million years? That's like a second to me."

Then the man asks, "Hey God? What's 100 million dollars seem like to you?"

And God answers, "One hundred million dollars? It seems like a penny to me."

So the guy says, "Hey, God, could I borrow a penny?"

And God answers, "Sure, just wait a second".

Bill Gates dies and finds himself being sized up by God. . .

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go." God continued, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, and then decide to see if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?" Bill asked.

"I'll leave that up to you," God replied.

"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great," he told God. "If this is Hell, I really want to see Heaven."

"Fine," said God, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm, I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God.

"Fine, as you desire." God said. So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons, with no one to help him out of his dilemma no matter how loud he screamed.

"How's everything going?" He asked Bill.

Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and tormented disappointment. "This is awful. This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago. I can't believe this is happening. What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water???"

God responded, "Oh, that was Hell 3.1, but is Hell 95."

A police officer pulls over a guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry officer, I can't do dat. I am asthmatic and if I do dat, I'll have a really bad asthma attack!"

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do dat eeder! I am hemophiliac. If I do dat, I'll bleed to death!"

"Well, then we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry officer, I can't do dat eeder. I am also diabetic. If I do dat, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right then, I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do dat, officer."

"Why not?"

"'Cause I'm drunk as a skunk!"

A guy goes to a grocery store and asks the clerk behind the counter for two cans of dog food. "Do you have a dog?" The clerk asked. "Yes, I do!" The puzzled customer replied. "I'm sorry sir, but you're going to have prove to me that you have a dog before I can sell you dog food." The clerk said. The frustrated customer went back home to get his dog and pulled the dog on its leash all the way back to the store. "Here's my dog!" Wheezed the tired customer. "Thank you sir, here is your two cans of dog food."

Two days later the guy returns to the same store, goes up to the same clerk and says, "Two cans of cat food please." "Do you have a cat sir?" "Of course I do!" The exasperated customer said. "I'm sorry sir, but I have to see your cat before I can sell you cat food." The guy storms out of the store, goes home, grabs his cat, drags it back to the store and holds up the cat by it's tail for the clerk to see. "Thank you sir, here is your two cans of cat food."

The very next day, the guy returns to the store, approaches the clerk and places a white shoe box with a small hole on the cover of it on the counter. "Yes sir, what can I do for you?" The clerk asked. "Put your finger in the hole," ordered the customer. "I beg your pardon?" Said the clerk. "Do as I say!" The guy ordered. Cautiously the clerk slid his finger in the hole all the way. "Pull it out and tell me what it looks like!" The guy said. "It looks like SHIT!" The disgusted clerk said. The customer replied, "DAMN RIGHT!!! Now give me two rolls of toilet paper!"