Two brothers, Bill and Jed Hamilton, were walking down the street after a night on the town when they saw a well-dressed and attractive young lady just ahead of them. Bill turned to his brother Jed and said, "I'd give $50 to spend the night with that woman." The young lady overheard the remark and, to the men's surprise, turned around and said, "I'll take you up on that." Jumping on the opportunity, Bill bid his brother a hasty good-bye and accompanied the lady to her apartment, where they immediately made love.

The next morning Bill placed $25 on the night stand as he prepared to leave. The young woman demanded the rest of the money, stating, "If you don't give me the rest of the $50, I'll sue you for it." The cheap bastard laughed. "Like you'd really go to court to get it!"

The following day Bill received a summons ordering his appearance in court. He called his attorney who told him, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how she'll present her case after the usual preliminaries."

The lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your Honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a colorful garden spot with ideal temperatures, conditions for social activity surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to Mr. Hamilton for a specified length of time for the sum of $50. Mr. Hamilton took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but on vacating the premises he paid her only $25 -- one half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not expensive, but it was restricted property in a private zone, and we ask judgment to be granted against Mr. Hamilton to assure payment of the balance."

Bill Hamilton's lawyer was impressed and amused at the way his opponent had prepared and presented the case. His defense, therefore, was somewhat altered from the way he had originally planned to present it. "Your Honor," he said, "my client agrees that the young lady had a fine piece of property, that he did rent the property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was received from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, erected a pump, and initiated pumping operations personally performed by him, which produced results mutually beneficial. We claim these improvements to the property and the resulting mutual benefit adequately compensate the young lady for the rental of said property. We will, therefore, ask the judgment not be granted."

The young lady's lawyer shot back: "Your Honor, my client agrees that Mr. Hamilton did find a well on her property, that he did make improvements, and did produce favorable results such as my worthy opponent describes. However, had Mr. Hamilton not known the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also, upon vacating the premises he removed his stones, pulled out the shaft, and took his pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged his equipment through the shrubbery, but also left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, requiring extensive mop-up operations and making it easily accessible to little children. We therefore ask judgment be granted."

She finally got it!

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This did little help, now she just stands in front of the mirror looks at herself, and asks him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

"Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?" She asks.

The husband shrugs and says, "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leans forward and softly says to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now, I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have hoped for, and your answer cannot take that away. But, I must know. Did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye. She paused for a moment, then she said, "Yes, yes he did."

The old man was shaken. The reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he expected. With a tear in his eye, his asked, "Who?, Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first, as she tried to muster the courage to tell her husband the truth.

Then, finally, she says, "You."

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving a perfect car (a Ferrari) along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

A Female's Response:
The perfect woman. She's the only one that really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

A Male's Response:
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident in the first place.

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

He asks, "What was that for?"

She replies, "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary written on it?" He says, "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Mary was the name of one of the horses I bet on." She is appeased and goes off to work around the house.

Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting. He says, "What's that for, this time?"

She answered, "Your horse called."