JUNE 1998:

ANOTHER SUMMER, ANOTHER GABILLION DOLLARS

It's that time again. Summer. When the weather heats up, the TV shows reruns, and brushfires replace mudslides here in Southern California. Oh yeah - it's also the time when Hollywood releases all their big budget extravaganzas to try and get us out of the blazing heat and into air conditioned theatres. I've looked over the releases slated for the next few months, and I must say I was very surprised. Surprised at how few of the films I actually give a shit about. I mean, really - who among us has said, "You know what I'd really like to pay eight dollars to see? An update of MY FAVORITE MARTIAN. Gosh I hope someone wastes millions of dollars that could be spent on an original film and makes that instead!" Not me, anyway. Not anyone outside a loony bin whose one TV is permanently stuck on NICK AT NIGHT, I'll bet. It's getting to the point where I feel less and less attached to the type of thinking in Hollywood that decides to make things like LOST IN SPACE or FLIPPER or two volcano movies or two asteroid movies... I mean, I know they're not creative decisions - I just have a hard time believing they're financial decisions! But what do I know. I'm just a dumb writer. So without further ado: One dumb writer's uneducated opinions about some of the stuff that'll be splatting against movie screens this Summer.

GODZILLA: "His dick is bigger than this bus". Well, why shouldn't that be on the billboards, bus benches, homeless people and whatever else they're plastering ads on all over town? Isn't their catchphrase 'Size does matter'? You bet it does. The size of the ad campaign, anyway. When I was a kid there were a few things all my friends liked that I just didn't get - Jerry Lewis, kung-fu movies, the Three Stooges, and Godzilla. (Now if all those things had been in one movie I might've felt a little differently.) So there's no way I'm gonna see this big-budgeted updating of a movie about a giant radioactive lizard, right? Right? Uhm... well... you see, I'm kinda looking forward to GODZILLA. It looks big and stupid and... I dunno... fun. I'm not expecting anything other than a goofy couple of hours at the movies, which is what the same filmmakers provided with INDEPENDENCE DAY. So I guess the saturation ad campaign must've gotten to me, too. I feel so... so cheap.

Ah! Another big-budgeted updating of a TV show nobody gives a shit about.
Can a LANCE LINK - SECRET CHIMP movie be far behind? I see Schwarzenegger as Lance.

THE AVENGERS: What possible reason would there be to see this movie? Okay, okay - Uma in a skintight outfit. But that didn't exactly make BATMAN & ROBIN any less excruciating, did it? Tell you what - you're already here on the internet, go to a celebrity porn site and download pictures of Uma with no outfit on. There. Just saved you eight bucks. You can thank me later.

SAVING PRIVATE RYAN: The advance buzz on this film is so positive that I expect the backlash to start any second now. Let's see, it stars Tom Hanks, it's directed by Steven Spielberg, and the script is reportedly excellent. Yeah - couldn't possibly be any good. Actually, this is one of the few films I'm really looking forward to this Summer. Why? Because it's made by people who have actually made quality films in the past. Not just filmmakers who know how to handle a big budget, but filmmakers who know how to make terrific movies. Will it be as good as the buzz suggests? Haven't got a clue. But just the fact that it's dealing with human emotions beyond the level of "I'm scared something big will either fall out of the sky or rise up from the oceans or fall out of the sky again, and squish me!" promises to make it a welcome change-of-pace.

Am I mistaken, or wasn't Danny Glover's character supposed to
retire back in 1987? Make a commitment or stop complaining, man.

LETHAL WEAPON 4: I thought the first LETHAL WEAPON film was really fun, not afraid to provide us an out-of-control hero who is seconds away from eating his gun at any given moment. Heck, I like the first one so much I even forgive it for inflicting Shane Black on us. The second one was okay, but the cracks were starting to show - Mel Gibson's character was still a nutcase, but he was a cute, lovable nutcase. And the whole South Africa plotline reeked of Hollywood-style political correctness. As for the third installment... I barely even remember it. All I do remember is Joe Pesci's character reaching a level of obnoxiousness only matched by people who really act like the character he plays. You know, people who you'd never voluntarily spend two hours with. And oh yeah, Mel's character wasn't nuts anymore. Well, not entertainingly nuts, anyway. He definitely wasn't the 'lethal weapon' that the title suggested in the first film. So now we have LETHAL WEAPON 4. I'm assuming someone needed a hit. Personally, I'm hoping this movie's good - the chemistry between Gibson and Danny Glover was so fun in the first two films that I hope they can re-catch lightning in a bottle here. But I've got this gut feeling it's just gonna be another 'ain't-we-cute' shoot-em-up movie like the third one. In which case I'll just watch the first one again and catch #4 on HBO next Spring, thank you very much.

THE HORSE WHISPERER: Why are they whispering? I hear it's so they won't wake the audience.

Ohmygod! A film that threatens to be well written!
How'd that slip through the cracks?

THE LAST DAYS OF DISCO: The 70's are back with a vengeance. Literally. On the downside we have ugly fashion, bad music, big Irwin-Allenesque disaster movies, and the re-release of GREASE (a 90's re-release of a movie from the 70's that cashed in on the nostalgia craze for the 50's... my head hurts). On the plus side we have BOOGIE NIGHTS, a rising crop of young, independent filmmakers, and hopefully THE LAST DAYS OF DISCO. Why do I hold out hope for a film with the word 'disco' in the title? Because it's written and directed by Whit Stillman (METROPOLITAN, BARCELONA). Stillman's films have examined the social, personal and cultural mores of their young protagonists with more humor and insight than any other director working today. Except maybe Kevin Smith - but trust me, their approaches are as different as the type of characters they choose to portray. Stillman is interested in the more refined, white collar, sophisticated (at least in their own eyes) young men and women who are bound by strict, often self-imposed rules of behavior. He examines these rules, and his characters' attempts to live within them, with a subtle yet scathing wit that is rewarding and refreshing. And also pretty damned funny. As someone who is not too thrilled to see the 70's make a comeback, I look forward to Mr. Stillman's dissection of the attitudes and values which brought us the 'Me' decade... which has unfortunately transmogrified into the 'Me' century, I'm afraid.

THE MASK OF ZORRO: Like I care.

Warren Beatty as a politician.
More believable now than ever.

BULWORTH: Hey, whattaya know! Another film I'm looking forward to! BULWORTH's trailer contained more on-the-nose, scathingly hilarious moments than any political comedy in the past ten years. I'll go see the movie just to see those moments again! And that's not even taking into consideration that Warren Beatty dresses like a homeboy and delivers a long rap! Hell, that sounds more entertaining than a giant lizard any day! People tend to forget that Warren Beatty is a great filmmaker. From producing BONNIE AND CLYDE, to co-writing and producing SHAMPOO, to co-directing HEAVEN CAN WAIT, and finally to winning an Oscar for directing REDS, the guy's made some seriously great movies. But all anyone ever thinks of is what a legendary cocksman he is. Dustin Hoffman said it best - and I'm paraphrasing - "If Warren Beatty was a virgin he'd be considered the best director in Hollywood". As far as I'm concerned, Warren's a virgin.

Oh sure, there are other films coming out - ARMAGEDDON... VIRUS... SMALL SOLDIERS... MULAN... BASEKETBALL... SIX DAYS, SEVEN NIGHTS... HOPE FLOATS... SNAKE EYES... 54 (another 70's era disco movie - aieee!)... DR. DOOLITTLE... THE TRUMAN SHOW. But I just don't have the time, patience, or desire to write about them all. Hopefully 1/4 of these films will turn out not to suck, and it'll be a pretty good Summer. But if recent history is any indication, even hoping for a quality 25% seems overly optimistic.

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