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The following is from the book "Bart Simpsons Guide To life" © 1993 Matt Groening. I claim no right to it's creation. In fact I would recommend this book because it is so funny! Here are a few things in the book. Please don't take these things seriously they are intended as a joke. So if you try them and it doesn't work, don't blame me!!!

Forgery

Never Fail Sick Excuse

Please excuse ___(your name here)___ for missing school for the past two days. He /She was suffering from amnesia and forgot to go to school. He/She is much better now, thank you. Please never mention this to anyone, as it may trigger a relapse. Sincerely, _____(your parents signature)______

The Get-Out-Of-Gym Routine

___(your name here)____ injured his/her back carrying me across a puddle. He/She must not do anything that even sounds like exercise. Ever. Or we will sue you for everything you've got. Sincerely, _____(your parents signature)______

Perfect Progress Report

Dear Mr. and/or Mrs. _____(your last name here)______. I am writing to let you now how well ______(your name here)_______ is doing in my class. We all think she/he's totally cool and we hope she/he'll never change. How did she/he learn to whistle like that? Some day I might write to tell you how horrible _____(your name here)______ is, but I am a paranoid schizophrenic, so please ignore me then, or I might kill you. Sincerely, _____(your parents signature)______

The Ultimate Hall Pass

______(your name here)______ is on an emergency mission, resurfacing my hair piece. Do not detain her/him for one second more, or I will assign you detention for the rest of the year. Sincerely, _____(your principal's signature)______

Annoying Questions To Ask Your Teacher

1. Can I go to the tinkle-dinkle ha ha room?

2. How do we know that the sky isn't really green and we're just colorblind?

3. Haven't personal calculators rendered long division irrelevant?

4. Did you get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning?

5. If you stick yourself with a pencil, will you get lead poisoning?

6. Do amoebas feel love?

7. Why do dogs sniff our butts?

8. How's the diet going?

9. Is any of this information pertinent to real life?

10. Why did they name Uranus Uranus?

11. Could you repeat the question I wasn't listening?

12. Why are we yellow?

Dr. Bart's Miracle Cures

Hiccups

1. Put your elbow in your mouth and hold it there for 30 minutes.

2. Hold your breath, and while you're holding it drink an entire 8 oz. glass of water without stopping to breath.

3. Turn your pockets inside out.

4. If that doesn't work, turn someone else's pockets inside out.

5. Place a wastebasket on your head and have someone play the drum solo from "In-a-gadda-da-vida."

6. Eat a spoonful of sugar.

7. Have someone run over your toes with a skateboard.

8. Get noe-to-nose with someone you dislike and stare at him or her for 15 minutes.

9. Put ice cubes in your shoes and walk backwards in them for 36 paces.

10. Think of 3 bald men.

11. Put a bunch of potato bugs in a sack and tie it around your neck with a string.

12. Stand on your head.

13. Accuse the victim of something he or she has not done.

14. Breathe into a paper bag.

15. Bungee jump

16. Pour salt on your tongue.

17. Bite your thumbs and blow hard against them for one minute.

18. Write "I will not hiccup" 50 times on a blackboard.

19. Whistle in the dark.

20. Eat 10 candy bars. Who cares if the hiccups don't stop?

Sunburn

Apply an ice-cold Squishee to the affected area. Always remove cup first.

For severe burns, cover your entire body with a slave of blueberry gelatin mixed with avocado paste. Dot with miniature marshmallows.

Warts

There's an old wives' tale that says frogs give you warts. Not true. Frogs actually can cure warts. To get rid of warts, spend at least one hour per day fondling, petting, or kissing a frog. After several years, or maybe sooner, the warts should disapear.

Hay Fever

Apply waffle batter on and around the navel. Leave on overnight. WARNING: If you roll over onto your stomach in the night it may be difficult to remove yourself from bed in the morning.

Coughing

Frogs also make excellent cough suppressants. To get rid of a cough, put a live frog in your mouth, then release it. Repeat 3 times. The cough should disappear, maybe.

Or eat several bowls of chocolate ice cream, followed by a big handful of breath mints. Wash everything down with a bottle of whiskey.

Acne

Cover pimples with a yellow highlighter. If condition persists, cover head with a brown paper bag.

Ennui

a. Avoid any school-related activity for at least a week.

b. Body should be kept in a prone position, preferably in the living room on a long, comfortable sofa.

c. Intensive comic book reading and heavy doses of cartoon watching are advised. These activities have been clinically proven to speed recovery.

Lockjaw

Unfortunately there is no cure for lockjaw. However, lockjaw is a great cure for obesity.

25 Cool Things To Be When You Grow Up!

1. Ice cream taste tester
   
2. Professional yo-yo-ist
   
3. Embalmer
   
4. Millionaire
   
5. Snake charmer
   
6. Vampire
   
7. Billionaire
   
8. B-movie mogul
   
9. Monster truck racer
   
10. Water-slide guinea pig
    
11. Tight-rope walker
    
12. UFO pilot
    
13. Professional karaoke singer
    
14. Cliff diver
    
15. Lion tamer
    
16. Blackjack dealer
    
17. Warlock
    
18. Skateboard champion
    
19. Mad scientist
    
20. Tattoo artist
    
21. Secret agent
    
22. Miniature golf pro
    
23. Cat burglar
    
24. Video game tester
    
25. Trillionaire
    

25 Things Not To Be When You Grow Up!

1. Street mime
2. Liposuctionist
3. Wigmaker
4. Galley slave
5. Political prisoner
6. Radioactive waste collector
7. Envelope licker
8. Crash test dummy
9. Scullery maid
10. Balloon animal artist
11. Romance novelist
12. Infomercial host or hostess
13. Lard packer
14. Bowling pin setter
15. Human sacrifice
16. Dog food cook
17. Septic tank repair man
18. Fat man in a circus sideshow
19. Janitor at an adult movie theater
20. Republican
21. Leech farmer
22. Lipstick tester
23. Talkshow host's wimpy sidekick
24. Wart specialist
25. A clone of your parents

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