Batman and Robin

It's not George Clooney's fault...

To quote Homer Simpson, "Yeah, Moe, that movie sure did suck last night. It just plain sucked. I've seen movies suck before, but this was the suckiest type of suck that ever sucked." And that's being kind. If this movie were any campier, they'd have to call it Cub Scout Boy and Brownie Girl. 

This movie was a mess. It was Speed 2 messy, and for those of you who saw my tirade on that movie, you know exactly what I mean. They spent so much money and wound up with nothing to show for it. But let's lay blame for why this movie was so bad, one person at a time. 

1) Arnold Schwarzenegger. This is the most one dimensional performance of his career, and yes, I'm including those Conan movies. When they first cast George Clooney as Batman, one of the first things I heard was that they were going to make the script a bit wittier. Then they signed Ah-nuld, and must have thought: Ooh, now we need to dumb it down some. No, dumb it a little more. More. More...

And they kept going until Mr. Freeze became a walking, talking cliche, not to mention he looked simply ridiculous. I'm sure they were trying to make him look really high tech, but he looks like a Transformer. His character was a  doctor named Victor Friese who had an accident while trying to find a cure for his ailing wife, whom he had frozen until he could heal her. (The accident scene, like Tommy Lee Jones' Two Face in Batman Forever, is shown via archived video footage, and it's laughable) The scene of him looking at his frozen wife isn't half as heart wrenching as the Penguin visiting the graves of his parents. And the one liners he spits out make "You're luggage" look like a Quentin Tarantino screenplay. Perhaps that's why Patrick Stewart was out of the running for Mr. Freeze so early. He saw the script and ran like hell, which is where I point my next finger...

2) Akiva Goldsman, that's the screenwriter of this debacle. He was given Warner Brothers' biggest money making franchise since Lethal Weapon, and he gives us,,, this. There's no excuse. The script makes Batman Forever look inspired by comparison, and Batman Forever makes the first movie look like Shakespeare. No character development, no one we can really feel for or care about, save possibly Alfred, and he was handled in the most heavy handed way that you felt manipulated. Everyone in the movie is a Talking Killer, where there is no one around to talk to, yet they spell out their diabolical schemes to the last letter. Except Bane. He couldn't say more than one word at a time. His presence was completely unnecessary, as was Batgirl's. (Bane, for the record, is another Bat villain. A genetic experiment to create the ultimate killing machine. His muscles looked like balloons)

3) Joel Schumacher, the director. Once again, he's made something visually stunning. Like the last Batman, Gotham never looked so cool, so colorful. Yet nothing interesting is happening. He sacrificed all substance for gloss. And character development? Please, he doesn't have time for that. Everything you learn about Batgirl takes place around a motorcycle race. Yipee. He's not a director that gets good performances out of people, like Martin Scorcese or Oliver Stone. Perhaps he should have laid down the law on Arnold a bit, and Uma as well, but we'll get to her later.

The opening of this movie looks almost identical to Batman Forever. Six or seven shots of the Batsuit being put on, finishing, of course, with a Butt Shot. Then it's on to face the new villain in town. Batman even has a video linkup with Commissioner Gordon, something Tim Burton and Michael Keaton's Batman would never have. That Batman was a vigilante. George Clooney's Batman seems to just be out kicking some butt for the hell of it. And they didn't even try to unmask Batman's identity. It was as if everyone already knew Bruce Wayne was Batman. And the worst thing I can say about George Clooney is that he lacks the psychological torture that previous Batmans have had. Keaton had the most, Kilmer had a little to work with. Clooney, hell, it looks like he'd rather be playing basketball. But that seems to be what Schumacher wanted, so in a way, George was right on the money.

And let's talk about Uma Thurman for a second. I had a hard time looking at her without thinking "This is Mia Wallace! What is she doing acting this corny?" It was like Catwoman all over again, but worse. She starts off as this mousy assistant trying to create a venom that will help plants defend themselves better against animals, but her boss is using her venom to fuel Bane in a secret experiment. She finds out, he tries to kill her, and within a matter of minutes, she is presumably dead, resurrected, and fully aware of her new poisonous abilities. Nope, sorry, not buying it. And she was way over the top. She was an outtake from the TV series. It was embarrassing.

This is the first movie that didn't involve Tim Burton in one form or another. He directed the first two and executive produced the last one. This time, Mr. Schumacher is on his own, and he looked lost. He could have redeemed himself if the movie played the camp factor for what it was. But instead it actually took itself pretty seriously when it should have been laughing at itself.

My dream is to see James Cameron take over the next one if, God forbid, there is a next one. But then costs would balloon, it'd fall behind schedule and probably not be released until December. This will probably still break $100 million, solely on it being a Batman movie, but it will wind up with the lowest over take. And the critics won't give it more than two stars. Anyone who does give it more than two stars in on Warner Brothers' payroll.

And to think a lot of other movies, like Alien Resurrection and Titanic, moved their release dates to the fall to make room for movies like this and Speed 2 and Lost World. I've seen four action movies so far, and I'd say I'm batting one for four. Actually, two thirds for four, since even Con Air went south at the end. Avoid this movie like the plague. On the scale of how much money I would be willing to pay to see this, eight bucks being full price, I wouldn't watch this on network television.