May 2000
May 1 (Mon)
Hey guys. I'm still hanging in there. I've really been just focusing on my spirit for the past week or so (see April 25 journal entry). I have come to the conclusion that instead of focusing on just loosing weight, I'm going to focus on living a healthy life. That was my original purpose, but somehow I got tangled up with the number on the scale. I refuse to allow a scale to dictate how I feel about myself - it's bad enough that society put labels on what's beautiful and what's not, I refuse to do it to myself. My reason for getting up to go to the gym at 7:00am (meaning I must wake up at 6:15am) is no longer so that I can be skinny, but it's because I want to start my day in a positive way - you see the difference? I got up this morning, went to the gym (the new one that just opened in my area) and when I was finished, I felt like I accomplished so much, yet my day is only beginning. I want to be healthy, not just skinny. I am doing this for me really, so there is no rush - if it takes me a year or 2 years, it's o.k. because the weight isn't going to come back!
Well, besides all of that, a friend of mine just decided to pick up and move to California. He's my best male friend -we went to college together and have been friends ever since. Our relationship is a weird one. We both have a lot in common, and I think he is very attractive, we talk for hours at a time and it's always so refreshing to hang out with him and I love him soooooo much but we aren't together. I mean I don't really see him like that way anymore (I did at first) and I don't think he sees me like that - although sometimes, I wonder. I used to like him a lot in college but then I got involved with someone and he had a girlfriend (whom I didn't like at all) - well those feelings went away and I don't think he ever knew that I liked him like that -although I don't see how he couldn't have know - it was sooo obvious. Maybe he did know but never said anyting - I'm glad nothing happened because if it did, we probably wouldn't still be such good friends. I mean when I think about my ideal husband, he pretty much fits the bill although I can't imagine kissing him or anything (not that's he's gross - it's just that we have a very pure love. Well, he's going to Cali for a couple of years to sow his wild oats so who knows what can happen in that time frame. I'm very proud of him because he talks a lot but does nothing so for him, this is like a BIG deal - it would be a bid deal for anyone but even bigger for him. Life is weird sometimes-actually, most of the time. Hey I see it like this, God has a plan for us all, I'll wait for him to send me a mate - I trust his timing because he knows all.
Anyways, I hope you all have been hanging in there. Keep your head up and stay focused. Peace and Love!
March 2 (Tues)
What a day! I didn't go walking because it was raining this morning. I had a crappy day at work today. I was pissed with everyone and I had so much anger inside of me. I am fed up with my job but I have to stick it out until the end of the summer - because I have some traveling to do and unlike many other companies, my company has summer hours (we get out at 1:30 on Fridays). I feel like I'm waisting my brain cells at this place - I didn't go through 4 years of college to do brainless work. Why am I still here after 18 months? Because I feel that this job has allowed me to work on other areas of my life because it doesn't demand that much and the pay is very good. I am where I need to be right now and I know this but I have to practice being patient. The timing isn't right for me to up and leave this place - I know that. I will pray for guidance. Other than that, after work today, I felt so enraged, I went to the gym and ended up taking two classes - Spinning and Tae Bo. I felt 80% better after I was finished. I couldn't believe how much stress I was under. I spoke on the phone with my friend whom I'd been really nasty to and we're cool now. I can't believe how my negative attitude took over me. I really need to (and I will) start praying more and meditating because my peace is precious and it takes so much to get it - why should I let anyone come along and snatch away from me without a fight? All in all, the day ended on a peaceful note. I hope you all have a Blessed day! Peace and Love!
March 4 (Thur)
Hey there people. I'm proud to say that I am hanging in there with the eating better, exercising and praying. I can't believe the difference. I just got back from my Kickboxing class and I feel great. I am tired but I feel so good that I went. I realized tonight at the gym that I'm a morning person when it comes down to exercising. I prefer to get up an extra hour, work out, shower at the gym and then head to work. Not only do I have a lot of energy throughout the day, I am finished with exercising. When I go at night I find myself going back and forth weather or not I should go to the gym or go home. I am getting up tomorrow morning to go to an Dance Aerobic class. It should be fun. We'll see. Anyways all is well and I'm tired so I'm ending this here. I hope you're all doing well (please e-mail me to let me know how you're doing on your program). Have a GREAT day and remember, 'Only you have what it takes to change YOUR life-God has given us all the tools we need to fix what's broken - so use them!' Peace and Love!!
May 12 (Fri)
Well, what a week it's been. Firstly, I spoke to an old boyfriend (I called him) on Sunday and it opened up some old wounds I should have perhaps left alone. This was my college boyfriend who I loved more than he loved me. I really don't know if it's love that I felt or if it's something else. What I do know is that it hurt like hell when I spoke to him on Sunday after a year of not speaking and he was very cold and acted very indifferent toward me. Our conversation was very brief and ended in a kinda of mutual "Good-bye forever" I don't know why I called - it's not like I want him to be my boyfriend (I'm here and he's there) but in my mind it was the right thing to do. I was tired of this boy having so much control over my mind. A few months would go by where I didn't think of him and then BAM!!! I couldn't get him off of my mind. He lives in Louisiana with his family and his leaving was a very sudden one. I was there for him when he needed a friend and I thought he would appreciate and value that friendship - after talking to him this week, I realized that he didn't care about me one bit and that what we had was just "something for him to do" to pass time while he was in New York. To top everything off, he told me that he did come back to New York for two months after he had to go home to Louisiana a year and a half ago - but for whatever reason, he didn't even try to contact me. OUCH - that hurt!!!! It hurts for me to speak this truth but in order for me to move on with my life, I know I have to be honest about my past. I feel very sad because he was (and still is) someone that I truly care for. How do you just forget someone who you've shared so much with. I wish I knew what he was thinking and I wish he knew how much I was hurting and how much I cared for him as a friend first. Why is it so hard to move on? I guess I got closure but still I have so many unanswered questions. I guess I have to feel this pain - and pray for patience (which is what I've been doing). I know that GOD has soooooo much more in store for me but I just have to be patient and wait on HIM.
Secondly, I am very restless in regards to my job. I HATE my job and I want a change, yet I have no idea as to what it is I want to do - what will make me happy?????? I know I'm still pretty young but I feel that I'm just existing in this world. Where is my passion? I sometimes want to get into a car and just start driving and driving for ever - if I have to. I just feel so lost right now. Well, now that I've probably depressed you, on a lighter note, I have been going to the gym and I start the Weigh Down Workshop Program on Monday. I really am excited about this because I need a change. It's time for me to start living my life and enjoying all the wonderful things the Lord has in store for me. I hope you all have blessed weekend and hang in there!!!!!
May 16 (Tue)
Hey Y'all. Thank you all for the wonderful, encouraging e-mails that you've sent me over the past few days. I'm happy to say that I'm doing much, much, better. I went to the Weigh Down Workshop last night and let me just say that it was sooo inspiring. I met some wonderful people there and it seems like a program that I need to incorporate into my life. I am so excited to see how God can work his magic in my life. I've been praying to him for help this past week and he has delivered. Remember that guy situation that I told y'all about, well, I feel alright about it. I know God doesn't make mistakes so I will continue to trust him and know that everything is for a reason. I met an e-mail friend at the WDW meeting last night who is a breath of fresh air. She is so nice and I probably wouldn't have gone to the meeting if not for her encouragement. God sends people into our lives for a reason and I know he has sent the young lady to me for the purpose of drawing closer to him.
As far as eating goes, I haven't been that hungry but I've been thirsty, so I've been drinking lots and lots of water. I really feel good guys and more focused on the future than I have for a while now. I am going to my Kickboxing class tonight - so that should be fun. I took some "Before" pictures of myself and took them to get developed this morning so I should have them up on my site by May 19th (Friday). I look like Ms. Piggy so please try not to be too critical, o.k. guys. Well, I'm off to enjoy the rest of my day. I hope you all are hanging in there. Peace and Love Always!!!