Diary(4th quarter of 1999)

千禧之冬
千禧之秋
千禧之夏
千禧之春
九九年冬
九九年秋
九九年夏
九九年春
九八年冬
九九年秋

19991225

A special christmas this year...no exam pressure...and...hehe...

19991213

Return to work...can concentrate...should concentrate...must
concentrate...

19991210

Die...

19991206

Not die today...seems not so diffiuclt je...hope it also appear
in this friday...

19991202

Start revision lu...seems not a straight road...

19991123

Some feeling today...already have this b4 ...but today's is
stronger...珍惜身邊的人...my heart is very calm today...

19991106

Start my exam preparation for a long time...but seems my
brain is not owned by myself...nothing in brain...

19991028

A hard work...format my harddisk...Oooo...seems faster...
but it's a time for me to consider to replce this old machine...

19991018

Long time haven't try have a REAL holiday...I go to Tung Ping
Chau...a long shipping journey...and then a small island with
beautiful scenery...many rocks...and clear water...and good
wind...sky...grass...temperature...fly kite la...Ooo...really like
it...but in fact i dun have time to have such good journey again
in this 2 months lu......Noooo...

19991008

Today when i leave the office at nite...i saw a GREAT rainbow
...long time haven't c that...really very beautiful...does this
mean sth in my future??...hahaha...

19991006

Another question raise today...we run and run and want to
reach our target...and after we reach the target we will set
another one...and again and again...then...what is our final
target??...when will we have no more target??...we live on
reach target only??...I also know that we feel very well
when we reach the target we set...satisfactory...i also like
this feeling...and also...we can force us to run faster and
to upgrade ourselves through this cycle...but...is that our
whole life is just run to target and run to another target?...
we will have some time fell very tired...and all of us knows
that we will finish our race at some time...but when will the
end of our this cycle??...Is that we will end this cycle when
we die??...I mean is that we can't stop this cycle in our
lifetime?...even a robot will have a time to stop...but how
about us??...i m not dun want to reach target...i m not tired
right now...but when will i feel tired??...Dunno...Is that a
sign that i have no 鬥心 soon?...or i just want to 無慾無求?...
dunno...but just know that...in few year b4...i suddenly have
a strong feeling that...i may 出家修道 in future...very strong
feeling in a moment...hahaha...let it be la...

19991004

Very tired...really very tired...not physically tired...but
phychologically...i've think of many things in recent...but
every question got the same answer...NO answer...maybe
the pressure to concentrate on work and academic is
really big...but i dun mind...coz i like my job(even need to
sth i dun like much, but it's normal)...and my greatest hope
is to be a chartered accountant...so i dun mind how difficult,
i will still work very hard on this...but i find that...and i feel
that...i m phychologically tired on recent life...strong emphasis
that...i m not dun want to work or study...I STILL LIKE
BOTH of them...but sometimes, should be MORE and MORE
in recent...my heart want to put all these away...no i m lazy...
not i m too sleepy...just feel very tired...phychologically...
sometimes i ask myself...is it valuable...my answer is YES...
absolutely YES...but furhter away...i also try to ask myself
...what's my target...what i really want...what can make me
satisfy...my answer will be...make a better life for my parent
...and my future family...then another question start...My life
...i live is for myself or for others?...then??...then??...i give
this answer to myself...if i happy, no matter i live for who...
then...what my life is for??...i start feel confuse on it...i seems
...such as what my girlfriend said...always put too much pressure
on myself...yup...i know this...but i m not want to ran away from
pressure...i know it is normal...i know it is a must...i know my duty
...i know i need to do this...but...maybe...i m confuse about this
actually...suddenly...i feel i have no direction for my future...
not so strong...but sometimes feels it...and no target...or these
target is just for sth not important...i dunno how to said...
suddenly i feel down, hopeless, sad...just find that the brain
is not belongs to me...i just remember sth i learn in chinese
lesson in secondary school...it is not value to 以無限追有限...
am i doing this ??...really dunno...i always think too much...
i always tell other they think too much when they are
unhappy...especially my girlfriend...this time...haha...i think
i will laugh by her...but my brain is really not work in recent
...just feel tired...tired...should i need a rest??...but can i
have a rest??...how can i face this...just one answer...DUNNO...
maybe i will laugh myself when i see this message in many
years later...but ritenow...i dunno how to solve this...i can't
clear my way up to this moment...but anyway...i try my best
to adapt this...and thanx my parent and shirley...for their
support...but it seems i never say this word to my parent...
Hmmm...confused...is it coz by i m not 知足??...i dun think
so...am i too 心頭高??...i dun think so...just dunno what i
should do...seems yes...should i ask like this??...how long
can i adapt this(or leave this)??...or how can i solve this
無聊 problem??...coz i hate this moment...hate the brain
temporary loss the function...hate dunno how to walk...
hate how to face...hate...hate??...OR is the problem ONLY
coz by 緊張...i still think this is the answer of all the above
question...Up to now...23years old...still dunoo how to release
my self from this situation...Aiiiiii...no use...Oooooo...just hope
this condition can leave very soon...

P.S: long time haven't write such a long passage...but i just
want release myself...and let my friends to know what i am
doing in recent...no need to worry on me after u watch this
...i m STILL fine...just the brain can't dunction normally...

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