Corn Flake Cookbook

Corn Flake Cookbook

Expanding the Horizons of Cereal

Truly, corn flakes shows remarkable versatility as a food. It can be served for breakfast, lunch, or dinner. Simple as a peanut butter and corn flake sandwich, or as fancy as caviar and corn flakes. You can serve it as an hor d'oeuvre, with soup, tossed in a salad, as the main course, or with the dessert. Stock up on cereal boxes around Thanksgiving and Christmas, you're family will thank you for it.

Table of Contents:

Corn Flakes for Beginners

Alternatives to Milk

Ask Chef Flocons

Proper Wine Serving with Cereal

Bonus: Handy Hardware Tips

A Fact from Unreliable, Illegitimate, and Fictional Sources:

A proper table setting for breakfast cereal has the cereal spoon placed on the right of the cereal bowl. A napkin is folded neatly and placed into the empty cereal bowl.

Corn Flakes for Beginners: The First Instruction Manual for Cereal

Alternatives to Milk

Corn Flakes and Water:

Let's say you run out of milk. What are your options? Well, corn flakes and water is really bland. Using tap water may result in unpredictable health risks.

Corn Flakes and Orange Juice:

Gah! It tastes awful! This will give you nightmares, especially if you've brushed your teeth just before trying this one. Again, this is something to avoid.

Corn Flakes and Coffee:

Try coffee with lots of cream, and dry cereal on the side. You can mix the cereal into the coffee, but you'll be sorry! An excellent choice before an exam or for the businessperson on the go! Corn Flakes and Tea is worth a try.

Corn Flakes and Soft Drinks:

Getting better. The flakes get soggy real fast, and it's still no substitute for milk. Try this with some of the more sugary cereals for the "Insulin Shock Special."

Corn Flakes and Egg Nog

They did this on the Simpsons once. Unfortunately, egg nog is seasonal, and it's sugary as hell! Egg Nog is just too thick, and I think it should be outlawed in general. Lisa Simpson: "I think I'm getting chest pains."

Corn Flakes and Beer:

WE HAVE A WINNER! This combination is legendary. Also worth trying out is "Day Old Pizza and Beer" and "Beer Pancakes" for breakfast. It's the perfect breakfast for those who have stayed up all night and want to have breakfast at 4pm in the afternoon. After "Whiskey and Pop-tarts," it's most favorite breakfast among alcoholics.

Corn Flakes and Urine

Are you insane??? Even I have my limits! Do not even attempt this if you are trapped with no source of water. It will only dehydrate you. Actually, why the hell am I telling you this? Anyone who would drink their own urine has issues...

Corn Flakes and Hydrochloric Acid

Now this is just getting silly.

Ask Chef Flocons

Also known as Raymond Chow, Chef Flocons is a master of the culinary arts. He can make toast, the likes of which almost rival the Cordon Bleu chefs of France! To quote Chef Flocons: "The secret to making good toast is in toaster selection. Two-slice toasters are fundamentally superior to the four-slice toaster."

Actual Recipe for Ray's Pancakes (This recipe actually works. It tastes damn good.)

1/2 cup of milk

2 tablespoons of melted butter

1 egg (remove the shell, stupid!)

1 cup of white flour

2 teaspoons of baking powder

3 tablespoons of sugar

Now unless you are some kind of moron, you'll know what to do from here. If not, you mix the wet ingredients (milk butter, and eggs) first, then add the dry ingredients (flour, baking powder, and sugar). Lightly butter a pan, and drop appropriately sized globs of the mix on the pan. (Keep the heat low, since the extra sugar I put in there causing the pancakes to burn easily.) When bubbles appear on the edges, flip the thing over.

Now that I've proven my competance as a cook, let's answer some questions from the mail bag:

Q: "Dear Chef Flocons, is there a low cholesterol substitute for eggs in bread recipes?"

A: Uhh... I guess you could always use... ummm... low cholesterol eggs? Duh! What do you mean where do you get low cholesterol eggs from?? Low cholesterol chickens, man! Geez, it's a wonder that you boneheads can actually write a letter in the first place!

Q: "Dear Chef Flocons, are there ways to improve the dry taste of Christmas turkey?"

A: Well, there's always the care-free consumption of alcohol. That will make anything taste better. None of that sissy wine stuff. Dark beer, whiskey, or vodka will drown out any dry turkey! Tis the season to get wasted.

Q: "Dear Chef Flocons, our vegetarian tofu dishes lacks in favour."

A: What??? You aren't supposed to eat the dishes, you fool! And having something as inedible as tofu on top of the dish will only confuse you as to which you are supposed to eat. Trust me, a nice juicy steak will hit the spot.

Q: "Dear Chef Flocons, how do you make Tiramisu?"

A: Very carefully.

Q: "Dear Chef Flocons, is there a way to make homemade oatmeal?"

A: What??? Try putting a sponge through a cheeze grater, and adding sand. This actually tastes better than the real thing. Wanting to make and eat oatmeal in your own home? There are easier ways to take your life, you know.

Red or White? Which Wine Do I Serve With Corn Flakes?

Do not be ashamed. This is a very common question, and one that could make or break you when hosting important dinner events. Generally, white wine is served with fish and poultry, and red wine is served with meats and cheese. Now you're thinking: "But what about corn flakes???" I'm afraid that through some gross oversight, there has been no set standard for serving wine with corn flakes, or any other breakfast cereal for that matter. Well, for those of you that can't tell a Burgundy from a Bordeaux, I suggest doing a little research. First note the vintage of the wine and the region where the wine came from. Then pick the wine with the most vowels in it's name, such as Chateau Margaux over Chambertin.

Handy Hardware Tips!

Hot oatmeal as wallpaper paste! You sure as hell aren't going to EAT it, are you?

Oatmeal as a semi-carcinogenic alternative to asbestos insulation!

Use plain oatmeal as a cheap alternative to rat poison. Keep out of children's reach.

Use moist oatmeal to seal off those cracks in the wall, and reduce heating costs.

Dry oatmeal can fill up those pot holes in the driveway or melt ice on the sidewalk.

Sprinkle oatmeal in the garden to kill pests. (Too much may kill your plants.)

Dissolve 1/2 cup of oatmeal with water and load in spray bottle for use as insecticide.

Buy cinnamon oatmeal to freshen toilet bowls.

Oatmeal can be used to fill the kitty litter box, but your cat might not like it.

Package items in dry oatmeal instead of styrofoam chips to absorb moisture.

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