Perhaps the single most important experience I have had in this group was of seeing myself and accepting myself as an introspective and isolated person. This is a learning because in spite of test data from psychological assessments, in spite of my not being fully able to enjoy the company of larger groups, I had always forced myself to believe that I am extroverted, sociable, and should make an effort to get along with everyone. This has always been a drain on me. I have possibly internalized the parental injunctions I received, which has made me negate my own need to be with myself, in the favor of overinclusion of others and giving in to their needs. I do not think that my need to be alone - or in the company of a few others whom I can be alone with - detracts me in any way from my warmth, empathy or love and understanding of others. In fact, I found that it is the other way round. When I needed and got time and space for myself, I was better able to relate to others, provided they did not misunderstand this isolation...
...I can see that retiring into my shell is a defense that I may have built up to protect myself from threatening stimuli. But the value of this behavior to me is not in its possible escapism or insulation. This introversion is a common thread running through my life experiences and I have countered it often, much to my regret. At such times neither have I learned anything, nor I have been able to relate to anyone fruitfully.
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