This was a recurring pattern for her... but then, if life is lived as a Quest, movement would be too turbulent...
...People change. But I feel lost because I seem to have lost my essence in not being able to face things as I always thought I’d like to face. For instance, I’ve lost my firmness in my research. I keep yielding to (my guide) and complaining about her all the time. She is an autocrat, but I know I can take a firmer stand - so what the hell - there’s no point cribbing about things which one makes happen...
...I’d thought I could live without him, but now I can neither - live with or without him, that is. Living with him and leaving my career - or without him and pursuing a sick Ph.D. - both sick. Now that I am conscious of my tragic life script, I’ll have to lose that too.
I’ve lost meaning in my life - and at a time when I thought I was heading towards a meaningful existence! - I need things to believe in. I don’t believe in anything which is important - parents, in-laws, siblings, research, husband - nothing - not even friendship or religion or life. I am losing the will to live them.
Perhaps life moved too quickly for her... perhaps she covered too large a span of living - saw the unfolding of self - in much too short a period to get her moorings and feel secure with herself
I guess this is the worst... I am 24 day before - and I feel I am lost. I have lost everything, I’ve stood for - namely, feminism. I stand bewildered and crushed now at the doors of proper adulthood - not knowing where to go from now. MS came from Bhopal for my b’day...I guess things have changed between us - we are more grown up now, that we fend for ourselves separately. I am learning to deal with people, money, time and PhD.
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