Pookie found this article in Dear Abby as author unknown. If anyone knows the author, please let Pookie know. (Pookie decided to modify this a bit.)
If you have an upset stomach, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Or, shag is good.
Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. He/she won't dare push you off, and will even call you "nice kitty". If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better.
For sitting on laps or rubbing against pants legs, select colors that contrast with your own.
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
For guests who say, "I love kitties", be ready with aloof disdain, claws applied to stockings or a quick nip on the ankles.
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. (Better yet, shred the paint off the door.) Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather or mosquito season.
If one person is busy and the other person is idle, sit with the busy one. For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless you can lie across the book itself.
For people doing homework, sit on the paper being worked on. After being removed for the second time, push anything movable off the table --pens, pencils, stamps--one at a time. For those writing, attack the pen/pencil with fervor and don't let go. When removed for the umpteenth time, snuggle up to the person and ask for forgiveness. When all is forgiven, curl up next to the person's writing hand, and rabbit kick the hand each time it moves. After all, the table is a cat's space!
Get enough sleep during the daytime so that you are fresh for playing at night between 2 and 4 am. This is a great time to pull the flowers out of their pots, claw business suits, etc.