STEP 3: PADDLE OUT 
 
 
The best time to learn is summer: The water's warmer, and the waves are smaller. Always go on weekdays because weekends are too crowded with bozos, spazzes, and weekend warriors. It's best to paddle out every day before or after work. Go out at a spot that has a sand bottom, no rocks, and small waves. 
 
Paddle all the way out past the breaking waves, then sit on your board and wait for a wave. When you see a wave coming, turn the board toward shore by making clockwise circles with both feet. Then lie down and paddle until you feel the board catching the wave. Aim the board straight toward shore and try to stand up. It will probably take you all day to stand up once. Most people get tired after about 45 minutes, but you'll be in shape after all that training-table corn and whiskey, so you should be able to get to your feet after falling a couple hundred times. If you can swim, the waves are small, and there's a sand bottom, the ocean can't really hurt you. 

 
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