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LETTERS TO ANN LANDERS
The newspaper advice columns of Ann Landers (Esther Lederer) and Dear Abby (Pauline Lederer Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips) are read by millions of people every day. Like any advice columnist, while they often give good advice, they also sometimes give bad advice. When it comes to the subjects of nudity, children, and the nudist lifestyle, they never fail to give very bad advice. They condemn parental nudity around children, making claims about emotional trauma that they don't give a shred of proof to back up. Meanwhile there have been numerous studies and stories of firsthand family experience that shows the nudist lifestyle, or even just open acceptance of nudity, to be tremendously beneficial to the mental health and emotional development of children and young adults. There has also been no evidence of nudity harming children when they are raised to accept it as a normal part of everyday life. Both columnists seem to refuse to read any information about naturism or nudity-related studies, unwilling to learn and risk saying "I was wrong", yet they keep giving unfounded advice based on myth, rumor, and personal opinion. I think a journalist should present real information, not false statements disguised as "truth", and should learn all they can about what they are reporting about.
Since I don't get "Dear Abby" in my newspaper I have responded to only one column regarding nudity (click here to read), that was drawn to my attention by somebody posting in a Netnude forum. I do get Ann Landers' column in my paper and have seen several columns relating to family nudity. They all received the usual uneducated advice against it, so I wrote in response to each one stating the benefits of nudity. Below are the various columns, my responses, and any forum posts I wrote with my opinions. I want to point out that not once has there been a response to these columns in favor of nudity published in the newspaper (including any of mine). The only response among these (I'll try to find the actual column) was the person who responded to "Modest in Modesto". [I'll try to find the print dates of each column.]
I urge everybody who has experienced the benefits of naturism, or just acceptance of the nude body, to write to these columns with your personal stories and any other information about it. Try to keep it concise yet informative, to the point, and ALWAYS keep it civilized and respectful. It does no good to cast insults at them or anybody else.
{Note: With the passing of Ann Landers and subsequent discontinuation of her column, links to the former submittal page have been removed. If her staff forms a spin-off column, or another writer starts a new column, I'll post those links here and on the main Naturism page.}
(all columns copyright © of and owned by their respective publishers and authors; they are printed here for reference to the subject only)
[first part and column posted in Netnude:]
Some of you by now have no doubt seen the recent Ann Landers column regarding nudist parents (if not, it's just below here). The father goes around the house nude, insisting there is nothing wrong with the naked body. The mother thinks he is nuts for being nude in front of the children (particularly the daughter) and she can't easily or correctly answer their questions about father's nudity. No word is mentioned about the children being bothered by it, only of their asking questions. Ann Landers takes the mother's side, calling the father an idiot and saying that nudity in front of opposite-sex children leads to problems as they get older. No evidence at all is presented to prove that nudity is harmful or problematic.
I have to disagree with that and take the father's side. As you all know, being nude in front of them from a young age (before they're shocked by something being suddenly different) and teaching children that the body is natural and beautiful makes them more accepting of themselves and others, and makes them more mature and well-rounded individuals as they grow older. The father teaches the kids that there is nothing wrong with the naked body-so true. If he's teaching them that, while the mother is saying that it's wrong and daddy is nuts, then it would be no wonder that the kids might become confused and start to question things.
Since I am neither a father nor a husband (yet) I'm not really the best candidate for responding to this column. How about those of you who are the head of and/or came from a nudist family? Do you feel up to writing a letter? I've never seen an actual column addressing this issue, so I don't know why Ann Landers expects abusive letters in response. I know you all would write very good and respectable letters, nothing abusive, insulting, or disrespectful. Here's a prime opportunity to speak out for nudism. Any takers?
Thanks,
MC
Here's the column:
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PARENT'S NUDITY CAN TROUBLE OPPOSITE-SEX CHILDREN
DEAR ANN LANDERS: I have been married to "Alex" for seven years. He always seemed perfectly normal, but shortly after we married, he started walking around the house totally naked. I told him he should at least wear boxer shorts, but he ignored me, saying he liked the feeling of "freedom."
When our son and daughter were born, I insisted Alex wear shorts around the house. He agreed, but still won't wear anything when he goes to bed. That is OK with me, except for one thing. When the children need attention at night and I am out like a light, Alex walks into their rooms stark naked. When I ask him to cover himself, especially in front of our daughter, he says there is nothing wrong with the naked body.
I have explained that our daughter is growing up and should not be subjected to such sights, even though he is her father. This makes no difference. Alex is still walking around the house at night, naked as a jaybird, checking the gas stove, the door locks and the night light in the kids' bedrooms.
I am now pregnant with our third child, and this behavior is more than I can tolerate. My son asks why Daddy doesn't wear underwear. What should I say? Should I tell him his father is nuts? As the children get older, this is going to become more of an issue. I need some help, Ann.-CLOTHING OPTIONAL IN DALLAS
DEAR OPTIONAL IN DALLAS: Buy Alex a terry cloth robe for winter, and a silk robe in summer. Put them at the foot of the bed. Tell him he must wear one or the other whenever he leaves the bedroom. Make your point by asking him what he would think if you appeared nude in front of your son when he is 6 or 7 years of age. That picture might make an impression on the idiot. If that doesn't work, tell Alex to wake you if the children need attention at night. It would be worth the loss of sleep for the peace of mind.
And now, Dear Readers, we have gone round and round about this issue before, and I maintain that nudity by the opposite-sex parent can lead to problems when the kids get older. I am ready to take on the abusive letters once again saying I am crazy. Write on.
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My response:
Dear Ann Landers,
I have to disagree with your advice to the woman in Dallas whose husband went nude in front of the children. That woman only said the kids were asking occasional questions, and said nothing about them being bothered by it. She told her husband that their daughter "should not be subjected to such sights", but gave no reasoning as to why. You agreed with her and told her to insist her husband wear something, but you also gave no reasoning as to why children should not see the nude body. Do you have any proof that nudity is problematic in the development of children? [cut from actual submission: Further, you called her husband an idiot; not very professional, Ann.]
While I am neither married nor have children, I do know that it is mentally unhealthy for children, and adults for that matter, to be sheltered from nudity. Her husband said there is nothing wrong with the naked body. That is very true. Is there any logical reason the body should be considered indecent? No, there is not. Their children will become very confused if the mother tries to teach them that the body is wrong while the father is teaching them the body is a beautiful thing. They will become even more confused if he goes back on his actions and wears clothes around them, projecting an idea of "shame".
I know many people who come from nudist families or have their own children, and they all agree: teaching children to accept the body as beautiful and natural will improve their self-image, accept themselves for who they are, and also accept other people for who they are regardless of physical variations. Continually teaching body shame harms the mental development of people, making them hate themselves for the slightest flaws and poorly judging (and shunning and attacking) others based on looks alone with no regard to the person on the inside. Studies on this subject have proven that many times. General society sees nudists as perverted and deviant, yet refuse to look at the truth behind the lifestyle. Ann, as a professional journalist, please study up on the true facts from both sides of the issue before giving potentially misinformed advice. I realize her husband's lifestyle is not your cup of tea, and I fully respect that.
You were expecting abusive letters regarding this? Verbal abuse and insults accomplish nothing. Have a great day, Ann!-Nude and PROUD in Michigan
[column and opinion part after it posted in Netnude:]
DEAR ANN LANDERS: I am a longtime friend of a wonderful couple who have two young daughters under the age of 3. When they entertain in their home, they allow their girls to undress and run around completely naked. The girls often sit open-legged, and sometimes do somersaults and handstands to entertain the guests. This makes my husband and me very uncomfortable. It's worse for our 12-year-old son, who is often invited. There are several families with preteen boys in our social group, and they, too, are embarrassed.
I have spoken with my friend about this, but she says she wants to keep her children innocent and pure for as long as possible. I do not believe this behavior is appropriate, nor is it right to subject other adults and their children to this display of nudity. Am I overreacting? How should I handle this?--MODEST IN MODESTO, CALIF.
DEAR MODESTO: I wonder where your friends got the idea that allowing their children to run around naked in front of company is keeping them "pure." Modesto, Calif., isn't exactly Samoa.
Tell your friends you cannot visit in their home unless they assure you that their daughters will be fully clothed and remain so during your visit. If they undress while you are there, say, "Sorry, but we have to leave now." Then do it.
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I agree that if the guests are uncomfortable with the nudity, they can decline invitations. It's a simple matter of "don't look" or "don't go". Newdist has a good idea in them being the hosts so they can have more say in the dress rules. Perhaps the parents of the nude children should do a better job of explaining why nudity is innocent and pure, why there's nothing wrong with it.
The other children at the party aren't uncomfortable with the nudity itself; it's a reaction they learned from their parents even though they don't know why they should be uncomfortable. Sheltering their kids from all nudity will result in all the body issue problems that we talk about so frequently. Actually, "Modesto" only said "It's worse for our 12-year-old son...", although she made no mention of what his reactions are.
Somersaults and open-legged playing are entirely common for children that age. Just yesterday at a Christmas party there were some girls about this age. They were doing the exact same thing (somersaults, tumbling on the floor, etc.), and they're being raised in the usual terribly-modest-about-body-exposure way (I won't go into my opinions about that). And am I the only one who dislikes Ann's reference to Samoa? Nudity is not limited to primitives and Indian tribes, and is in no way uncivilized as is implied by the comment (of course I don't need to be telling you all that *smiles*). I think it's great that those parents are raising their girls to be free and comfortable about their bodies, not hiding themselves away in shame.
I hope we get a lot of people writing to Ann on this one (and past nude-related articles too).
Matt C.
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response to article:
Dear Ann Landers: I'm writing in response to "Modest in Modesto, CA", whose friends allow their young daughters to run and play nude while guests are over. I agree with half of your advice: if these people are uncomfortable about the nudity then they should excuse themselves to leave, or not go in the first place. It's the sensible response of "if you're offended, quit looking at it."
However I disagree with the other half of your advice. Nudity, especially for children, is a perfectly innocent and pure state of being. It's the impure thoughts of the adults that is the problem. The person who wrote said "it's worse for our 12-year-old son, who is often invited," but she didn't say how it was worse or if he even had any kind of reaction. It's not the nudity that is a problem for kids to see; it's the embarrassment and overreaction of the parents towards nudity that is so detrimental for them to learn. Also, sitting open-legged, somersaults, and handstands are totally normal behavior for any children that age. At a Christmas party I attended there were girls that age doing those exact same actions, but they were fully clothed and have been raised to be terribly modest.
I applaud those parents for raising their daughters to not be ashamed of their bodies. In this society children, especially girls, are taught to be ashamed of their bodies, to look how they think others want them to, and to think that looks make the person. I recently read about a girl in England who is getting breast implants for her 16th birthday. What's worse is that her parents are paying for it! She was quoted saying, "you've got to have breasts to be successful." This surgery happens all the time with girls who have not yet fully developed because they are raised in a society that teaches them that fashion, looks, and breast size make who you are. That attitude is one of the most impure things I can imagine. Please research this subject more.--Nude and Proud in Michigan
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[second response, now in response to Ann's response to somebody else's response to Modesto....got all that?]
Your advice has gone too far this time, to the extent that it is dangerous advice. A writer responded to "Modest in Modesto" with the basic message that there's nothing wrong with nudity and that the problem with society is rampant violence in the media. You said, "Young children should be taught to keep themselves covered just in case there's a 'funny uncle' around...."
Don't you realize how dangerous this advice is? What that advice implies is that clothing will protect a person from molestation or rape. This very well could make a person believe they will be safe in their clothes and won't have to worry about predators and "funny uncles". If that's their only protection, they're leading themselves to a potential disaster. Molestation and rape begins with a clothed victim probably 99% of the time. Clothing will not stop a rapist from doing terrible things.
That person was absolutely correct in saying nudity doesn't hurt anyone. Nudist clubs screen visitors and eject anybody who's behaving inappropriately, and nude beaches are regularly "patrolled" by the regulars to keep out gawkers and creeps. I would feel far safer at a nude beach than a clothed one. Children who are raised to be modest are very often too embarrassed or even afraid to tell somebody about molestation, whereas children who are raised to be unashamed of their bodies will very quickly report an attack without fear. Sign me--SENSIBLE IN MICHIGAN
[5-1-01] DEAR ANN LANDERS: I am a female aerobics instructor at a nearby gym. I have encouraged my 12-year-old daughter to become involved in athletics. She plays team sports and also works out at the gym where I work. Sometimes we wind up in the dressing room at the same time, so we shower or undress in front of each other. We have also used the steam room together totally bare, except for a towel.
I see nothing wrong with females, especially mothers and daughters, seeing each other naked.
Most women consider it a bonding experience. One of my girlfriends, however, says it is unhealthy and I should put a stop to it. I would not want to harm my child in any way, Ann. Is my girlfriend right?-NEW YORK MOM
DEAR MOM: I believe it is perfectly OK for a child to shower with a parent of the same sex. I do, however, see a problem when the child and the parent are of different sexes. This can be confusing and disturbing for the children beyond a certain age.
Women who exercise together often shower in front of one another. Tell your friend you appreciate her concern, but there is nothing to worry about.
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Dear Ann Landers: I am sick of reading bad advice in your column stating claims without a shred of proof behind them. I am writing in response to New York Mom who showers with her daughter at the gym. You said there was no harm in that, which is absolutely correct. The next statements are wrong, however.
You say when a child sees a parent of the opposite sex nude or shares a shower, that "can be confusing and disturbing for children beyond a certain age." What is your source for this information, the so-called Dr. Laura? The only way it would be confusing or disturbing would be if the child was raised to think nudity is wrong and the body shameful, then suddenly the parents start going nude or sharing a shower with the kids. It would be the same with any contradicting action.
It is perfectly healthy for children to see both parents nude. There have been numerous studies published that show regular exposure to nudity to be very beneficial to the mental and emotional health of children, especially when they're raised with it from birth. I have yet to see a study showing nudity to be unhealthy for kids in similar circumstances. I have seen nudist families with my own eyes, playing and interacting not the slightest bit differently than a clothed family, except they seem to be a more well adjusted family.
Please Ann, do some research, and if you're not going to study the facts before you make claims and advice about things you don't fully understand, then don't print anything about the subject at all. Promote knowledge, not ignorance.--Sensible Michigan Resident.
5-31-02
Dear Ann Landers: My husband and I enjoy sleeping in the nude. It makes us feel comfortable and intimate. We have two children, ages 5 and 8, and we are careful to be dressed before they wake up in the morning. Although we do not lock our bedroom door at night, we have taught the children to knock before entering. We keep our bathrobes close by to put on quickly.
Last week, our 8-year-old daughter had a bad dream and ran into our room without knocking. She was shocked to see us naked. To make matters worse, she told her grandmother. My mother-in-law has told several friends and family members about our "lewd practice," making it seem ugly and shameful.
Please, Ann, what should we do? My husband and I are both embarrassed that it has become everybody's business.-A family matter in Maryland.
Dear Maryland: I continue to be amazed at parents to refuse to lock their bedroom door and then are surprised when the children show up at inconvenient times. Children are unpredictable. If there is a chance they will intrude unexpectedly, believe me, they will find a way.
This is none of your mother-in-law's business. Ignore her snippy comments, and stop worrying about the friends and relatives. I suspect your daughter has recovered by now. If not, ease her concerns, and explain that sleeping nude is perfectly OK. Meanwhile, LOCK YOUR DOOR.
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my response sent:
Dear Ann Landers: I'm writing in response to the letter from "Family Matter in Maryland" who sleeps nude with her husband, was seen by their daughter, who told the mother-in-law, who told everybody else. While some advice you gave was right, part of it was a total contradiction.
Your advice to ignore what others think, as well as to teach the daughter that sleeping nude is OK, is absolutely correct. However, telling them to lock the door gives a totally opposite message. By locking the door when all they're doing is sleeping nude, they are conveying the message that nudity is something to keep hidden in shame. Children are not naturally shocked by nudity; they learn that shock and embarrassment by picking it up from their parents. Then it should be no surprise when the children are shocked to see their parents nude. By sending contradictory messages, all parents will do is confuse their children.
Body shame creates a very unhealthy mentality for children as well as adults. I should know; I used to have an extremely unhealthy amount of body shame. There is absolutely nothing shocking, lewd, embarrassing, or shameful about the nude body. The best thing parents could do for their children is to raise them to believe just that. I wish my parents had.--Unashamed in the Midwest
[7-9-02]
Dear Ann Landers: My 63-year-old widowed aunt lives alone and has few friends. We have always been close, and last summer, I invited her to spend two weeks with my family. I even paid for her airline ticket. She was a perfectly lovely houseguest, and my teenage girls adored getting to know their great-aunt better.
Here's the problem: We have a backyard swimming pool, and the entire family often sunbathes in the nude. My aunt, in an effort to "fit in," decided she would get an all-over tan along with the rest of us. I admired her willingness to show her body in front of the family. Her informal poolside attire didn't bother me, but apparently it was a problem for my husband and 12-year-old son. They did not want to see my aunt walking around without her clothing and asked me to make sure it didn't happen again.
My daughters invited my aunt for another visit. My husband insists I tell her to wear a swimsuit this time. I am certain it would hurt her feelings if I made her dress while the rest of us skinny-dipped. My aunt was thrilled to be treated like a member of the family, and I don't want to make her feel less welcome. Should I do what my husband asks, or should I tell him to turn his head and look the other way?--Malibu, Calif., Niece
Dear Malibu: Apparently, your husband is not an equal-opportunity nudist. I do not believe it is wise to have your teenage daughters running around nude in front of their father and adolescent brother. This time around, EVERONE should wear a swimsuit. Period.
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Since this letter was printed after Ann Landers' death, nobody will be able to respond to this letter with a rebuttal (which wouldn't be anything new since in the past she always ignored letters that were pro-nudity and against her anti-nudity advice).
I hope everybody can see what a terrible response Ann gave to this person. I have to applaud the writer for having a household where nudity is common, accepted, and comfortable. Even if just around the pool, such an atmosphere is incredibly beneficial to kids, particularly her teenage daughters considering the kinds of body image messages they are bombarded with from the popular media. The young son will also receive a great benefit from growing up in a home like that. It's wonderful that they were comfortable with going nude around the aunt, and wonderful that she felt comfortable to join them in the nude recreation.
The problem is definitely the husband, as the story describes. For him to be running a nude-friendly household but then be offended with the aunt's nudity and insist she remain clothed, that is not only two-faced, disrespectful, and insulting, but it also creates a very confusing situation for the kids to interpret. His attitude indicates the idea that young attractive people are meant to be nude but older people should remain hidden because they aren't attractive any more. I strongly suspect that the 12-year-old son had no objection to the aunt's nudity at all, but the father just projected his own issues onto the boy and told his wife that the son also objected (put words into his mouth, as it were).
Ann's first line is correct: he is not an equal-opportunity nudist. Nudism/naturism is FOR EVERYBODY, with nobody excluded based on issues of appearance, weight, age, etc., and any good nudist would know that. If they've been practicing nudity for years, that is a totally backwards stance for him to take. The wife's thought that the aunt would be hurt if asked to remain clothed is absolutely right. Not only would such a request/rule hurt her feelings deeply, but it would also create a terrible rift in the family and the relationship they've been making with the aunt. For the hosts to do one thing but require that the guests not do the same thing is inhospitable and disrespectful. It gives the impression of "you're not good enough to join us." A similar true story that I can relate: as kids my brother and I had a friend we spent a lot of time with in the summer. When over at his house there were times we were made to stay outside, even if it was 90 degrees out, while our friend sat inside watching TV with central air conditioning. He practically lived at our place during the summer and was never treated with any kind of inhospitality like that. After a short while we said "screw this" and went home.
Ann's second line is a very antiquated personal opinion from the victorian era, NOT based on any kind of research-based factual evidence. For her to give such an opinion without anything to support it is just plain wrong; notice she only gives her opinion but says nothing else about why it's "not wise" for the daughters to be nude in front of the father or brother. There is absolutely nothing wrong with siblings seeing each other nude, kids seeing parents nude, or parents seeing kids nude, regardless of age or gender. When they're raised to believe nudity is normal and natural, it creates a wonderful level of emotional stability because of the self-acceptance, acceptance of others, good self-image and confidence, and the knowledge of the human anatomy as natural and not a sexual taboo to be hidden away.
Ann's last line is only partially correct and must be looked at in a particular way. The "EVERYONE should wear a swimsuit" line should be read "ALL or NOTHING." By this I mean that if the family is going to enjoy nudity then EVERYBODY hould be able to enjoy it without any pressure, including the aunt. And if the family (or just the father) is not willing to let everybody join in the nudity, then NONE of them should do it. Once again it's the hospitality and respect of treating all guests as equally as family. The writer said her aunt was thrilled to be treated as a member of the family, so to make her follow a rule that nobody else has to follow would be a slap in the face.
I sincerely hope the woman who wrote to Ann will pay no attention to this very bad, detrimental, and antiquated advice. Hopefully she will see how flawed Ann's response was, decide to tell her husband to shut his yap, and invite the aunt for more nude recreation in the future.