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Email funnies
A little tease
Three people check into a hotel. They pay $30 to the manager
and go to their room. The manager finds out that the room rate
is $25 and gives $5 to the bellboy to return. On the way to the
room the bellboy reasons that $5 would be difficult to share
among three people so he pockets $2 and gives $1 to each person.
Now each person paid $10 and got back $1. So they paid $9 each,
totalling $27. The bellboy has $2, totalling $29.
Where is the remaining dollar?
Its my Job
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he
was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal
hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.
After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came
across a doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that
it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which
causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The
pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the
pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live
for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he
had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was
missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street,
he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new
beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I
need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd
like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in
the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16
and a half neck"
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the
collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure ..."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E."
Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably
around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"
Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8."
Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman
asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's
see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would
press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you
one hell of a headache."
From bad to worse
Bad: You can't find your vibrator.
Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.
Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room. Worse: You're in it.
Bad: Your children are sexually active. Worse: With each other.
Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.
Bad: Your son's involved in Satanism. Worse: As a sacrifice.
Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.
Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.
Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: To enter a convent.
Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting. Worse: She implicates you.
Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: You're arrested.
Worse: By your husband.
Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing camos and has an AK-47.
Good: The secretary said "yes."
Bad: Your wife says "no."
Good: The teacher likes your son.
Bad: Sexually.
Worse: He's gay.
Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: So did the postman.
Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife walks in.
Good: You get a three-day weekend.
Bad: You get the flu on Friday.
Good: You get tickets to the theatre. Bad: It's performance art.
Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.
Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.
Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.
Good: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas." Bad: For real.
Good: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right". Bad: Your son, that is.
Good: Your daughter's on the Pill.
Bad: She's eleven.
Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude. Bad: He weighs 350 pounds.
Good: Your son's doing extra credit work. Bad: Making a sex education video.
Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune. Bad: It's counterfeit.
Good: Your wife bought a porn video. Bad: Your daughter's the star.
Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
Bad: You live downtown.
Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude. Bad: She's coming home.
Good: Your wife's kinky.
Bad: With the neighbors.
Worse: All of them.
Do you understand what I am doing?
The brash young gynecologist, fresh out of medical school, took one look
at his voluptuous new patient and abandoned his professional ethics
entirely.
As he stroked the supple skin of her naked body, he asked, "Do you
understand what I am doing?"
"Yes," the patient answered. "You're checking for dermatological
abrasions."
"Correct," the doctor lied. Next, he fondled her breasts long and
lovingly.
Again, he inquired, "Do you understand what I am doing?"
"You're feeling for cancerous lumps," she ventured.
"Very astute," the doctor complimented, getting more excited. He placed
the woman's feet in stirrups, dropped his pants, and slipped his member
inside her.
"And do you understand what I am doing now?"
"All too well," the patient shot back. "You're contracting herpes."
*********************
A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the
Caribbean. It was the "craziest" thing he had ever done in his life.
Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the
huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer,
desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on
a secluded island.
Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and
coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on
end, sat under same palm tree. One day, after several months had
passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared.
"I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the
cruise ship, too?"
"Yes, I was, " he answered. "But where did you get that rowboat?"
"Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the
reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern
from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, what did you use for tools?" asked the man.
"There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the
south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain
temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron.
Anyhow, that's how I got the tools. But, enough of that," she said. "Where
have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter."
"To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach," he said.
"Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked. The engineer
nodded dumbly.
She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up
the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat
back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and
around a Palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in
blue and white.
"It's not much, but I call it home." Inside, she said, "Sit down
please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No, thanks," said the man. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw
up!"
"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a crude
still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas."
Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they
sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the
woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"
"No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life until I
ended up on this island."
"Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the
bathroom cabinet."
The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the
bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed
razor sharp. Next he showered-not even attempting to fathom a guess as
to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom-and went back
downstairs. He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved
banister as he walked.
"You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up and slip into
something more comfortable."
As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short
time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a
revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.
"Tell me," she asked, "we've both been out here for a very long time
with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been
lonely...is there anything that you really, really miss? Something
that all men and woman need? Something that would be really nice to
have right now!"
"Yes there is!" the man replied, shucking off his shyness. "There is
something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all
alone, it was just...well, it was impossible."
"Well, it's not impossible, any more," the woman said.
The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: "You
mean you actually figured out some way we can check our e-mail
here?"
****************
Standardising the language.
Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European
Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study to look at ways of
improving efficiency in communications between Government departments.
European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily
difficult, for example, cough, plough, rough, through, and thorough.
What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out these
anomalies.
The programme would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at
top level by articipating nations.
In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's'
instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly sivil servants in all sities would resieve
this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k' sinse both
letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the
minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter.
There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it kould be
announsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'.
This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty per sent shorter in print.
In the third year publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible. Governments
would enkourage the removal of double letters which have always been a
deterent to akurate speling.
We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is
disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kotinu to read and writ as
though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four uears sins the
skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th' by
'z'.
Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vish is, after
al, half a 'w'.
Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o' kould be dropd from words kontaining
'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of
leters.
Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl
riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis, and
evrivun vud find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of ze Guvermnt
vud finali hav kum.
*******************
58 Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by actual journalists)
==============================
1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies in House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One
29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
30. War Dims Hope for Peace
31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
35. Deer Kill 17,000
36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
50. Air Head Fired
51. Steals Clock, Faces Time
52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumn
54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
56. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
58. Include your Children when Baking Cookies
*************
Is there really a Santa ?
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000
species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most
of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out
flying reindeer, which only Santa has ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world.
BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu,
Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of
the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau.
At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's
91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child
in each.
3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the
different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he
travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to
822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian
household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to
park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the
stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat
whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back
into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each
of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the
earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes
of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78
miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not
counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every
31 hours, plus feeding and etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second,
3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the
fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe,
moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer
can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element.
Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized
Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not
counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On
land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even
granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN
TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even
nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not
even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again,
for comparison - this is four times the weight of Queen Elizabeth
(the ship).
5) 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates
enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the
same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere.
The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of
energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame
almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and
create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer
team will be vaporised within 4.26 thousandths of a second.
Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces
17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which
seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh
by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve,
he's dead now.
****************************
A guy goes to buy a train ticket, and the girl selling tickets has
an incredible set of jugs. He says, "Give me two pickets to Titsburgh...
umm...I mean, two tickets to Pittsburgh". He's really embarrassed...
The guy in line behind him says, "Relax, pal. We all make Freudian slips
like that. Just the other day at the breakfast table I meant to say to my
wife, `Please pass the sugar', but I accidentally said, `You fucking bitch,
you wrecked my life!"
**********************
A drunk was sitting at a bar when a woman stands behind him and raises
her arm really high to get the bartender's attention. She has very
hairy armpits.
The drunk sees this and yells at the bartender, "Get the ballerina a
drink." She gets her drink and goes away. Later she returns and
raises her arm again. The drunk sees her and yells to the bartender,"Get
the ballerina another drink." She gets her drink and goes away again.
The bartender asks the drunk how he knows she is a ballerina when she
was a stranger and had never been in the bar before.
The drunk replies, "She's got to be a ballerina if she can lift her
leg that high."
*************************
Dictionary of Dating
DATING:
The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to
get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in
the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.
EYE CONTACT: A method utilised by a single woman to communicate to a man
that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many
women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due
to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not
located in her chest.
FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some
flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE:
A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as
"playing hard to get."
IRRITATING HABIT:
What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people
to each other turn into after a few months together.
NYMPHOMANIAC:
A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.
SOBER:
A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
ATTRACTION:
The act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT 1st SIGHT:
What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people
meet.
LAW OF RELATIVITY:
How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate
to how unattractive your date is.
********************************
Apples, Softies, and Trains
Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft employees are traveling by
train
to a conference. At the station, the three Microsoft employees each buy
tickets and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a
Microsoft
employee.
"Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple engineer.
They all board the train. The Microsoft employees take their respective
seats but all three Apple engineers cram into a restroom and close the
door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes
around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says,
"ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges
with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Microsoft employees saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the Microsoft employees decide to copy the Apple
engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with
money, and all that).
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return
trip.
To their astonishment, the Apple engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket" says one perplexed Microsoft
employee.
Watch and you'll see," answers an Apple engineer. When they board the
train the three Microsoft employees cram into a restroom and the three Apple
engineers cram into another one nearby.
The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves
his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Microsoft employees are
hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please..."
******************************
This weeks editorial in the Private Eye:
GNOME
The Late Princess Diana
An Apology
In recent weeks (not to mention the last ten years) we at the Daily
Gnome, in common with all other newspapers, may have inadvertently
conveyed the impression that the late Princess of Wales was in some way a
neurotic, irresponsible and manipulative trouble maker who had meddled in
political matters that did not concern her and personally embarrassed Her
Majesty The Queen by her Meditteranean love-romps with the son of a
discredited Egyptian businessman.
We now realise that of Sunday morning the Princess of Hearts was in fact
the most saintly woman who has ever lived, who, with her charitable
activities, brought hope and succour to hundreds and millions of people
all over the world.
We would like to express our sincere and deepest hypocrisy to all our
readers on this tragic day and hope and pray that they will carry on
buying our paper notwithstanding.
***************
It's all shite, but here you go ...
Virginia Bottomley - I'm an evil Tory bigot
Michael Heseltine - Elect him, he's alien
David Mellor - Dildo marvel
The Houses of Parliament - Loonies far up the Thames
Francois Mitterand - Mad strain of cretin
Performance related pay - Mere end of year claptrap
Dame Agatha Christie - I am a right death case
The Metropolitan Police Force - I'm fellatio, the erect porno cop
Acorn Computers - Crap to consumer
Benson and Hedges - NHS been a godsend
Eastenders - needs a rest
Home and Away - Aha..yawn mode
Selina Scott - Elastic snot
Peter Ustinov - Eruptive snot
Actors - scrota
Robert DeNiro - error on bidet
Rita Hayworth - Hot hairy wart
Sir Alec Guinness - Clearing sinuses
Mel Gibson - big melons
Arnold Schwarzenegger - He's grown large 'n' crazed
Kylie Minogue - I like 'em young
Gloria Estefan - large fat noise
Chris Rea - rich arse
Marti Pellow - Ill tapeworm
Madonna, the material girl - Real dim man-eating harlot
Ossie Ardiles - Arse is soiled
Diego Maradona - O dear, I'm a gonad
Martina Navratilova - Variant rival to a man G
abriela Sabatini - Insatiable airbag
Irritable Bowel Syndrome - O my terrible drains below
Boddingtons, the cream of Manchester - Boddington's stomach ache fermenter
Stella Artois, reassuringly expensive - Pint 'o' lager virtually
erases sexiness
An Intel Pentium Processor - Customer nipple not arisen
Pentium Processor - Computerises porn
Christians - rich saints
Women Priests - new imposters
and finally...
Motorway Service Station - I eat coronary vomit stews
***************
Q What does an Essex Girl say when she wakes up?
A Do you all play for the same football team then?
Q What is the difference between an Essex Girl and a Boeing 747?
A The 747 stops whining when it gets to Majorca
More Top Tips
Record the sound of your girlfriend having an orgasm, then listen to the
tape through headphones the next time you make love. That way you can
have sex without waking her up.
MOTORISTS. Pressing your "fog lights" switch a second time after the fog
has cleared will actually turn the fog lights off.
Beat bicycle theft by towing a horse box behind your bike. When you
stop, simply padlock the cycle securely inside the horse box.
FELLAS. Avoid pulling ugly birds. Simply drink 14 pints of beer and hey
presto! Everyone you chat up looks like Sharon Stone.
PS. Make sure she's still a stunner the next morning by hiding a bottle
of vodka under your pillow and drinking it before she wakes up. Hey
presto! Breakfast with Cindy Crawford.
UNDERWATER CAMERAMEN. Don't throw awy those discarded supermarket
trolleys. Two of them tied together with string make an ideal anti-shark
cage.
TAXI DRIVERS. Why not pop into a garage and ask them to fix your
indicator lights for you so that other motorists know where the fuck you
are going.
Top 10 things not too say to parents when picking up their daughter for a
date
10. "Sorry I'm a little late. I had to stop by the drugstore."
9. "Show me how you used to spank her."
8. "Please come inside? Wow, you sound just like your daughter."
7. "Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?"
6. "I just got my license today."
5. "I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me mature."
4. "Five bucks says she's a D-cup."
3. "Hey do you have an empty pop can and some matches?"
2. "Hi. I'm Robert, but my friends call me 'Back Door Bob.'"
1. "So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?"
The Clinic
A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me
$5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself.
But they pay me $25."
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more
before going their separate ways.
Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the
donation center.
Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."
***************************
FORMATPOSITION
Just a few stories from our nations Emergency Rooms to prove that fact
is stranger than fiction.
- A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted
suicide. The
man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka.
When
asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they
were from
him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the
nitroglycerin
explode.
- A 50-year old woman came into the ER with a complaint of mild
abdominal
pain. During a pelvic exam the doctor found that the lady had
inserted a
whole chicken piece by piece into her vagina. Unable to have children
she was
hoping that the chicken would turn into a baby.
- A man in his mid-fifties did a Loraina Bobbit on himself in a
drunken rage
and ended up in the ER. The urologist thought that he could reattach
the
mans genitalia if it could be recovered and if it was in good
condition. The
police were dispatched to the man's house and the search was on.
During the
search one of the officers heard
a choking sound coming from the man's poodle that was sitting in the
corner.
After a brief fight the officer was able to retrieve the man's jewels
from
the dog's mouth. After inspection of the parts by the urologist it
was
decided that the man would need to be taught to pee while sitting (if
you
know what I mean) The officer was given a commendation from his
precinct
for medical assistance.
- A woman with shortness on breath and who weighed approximately 500
lbs was
dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to undress
the
lady an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her arm.
After an
X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her chest her massive
left
breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And last but not least
during a
pelvic exam a TV remote control was discovered in one of the folds of
her
crotch. She became known as "The Human Couch".
- A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER
parking
lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth. Wanting to
tell
the woman to push he started yelling "Puta! Puta! Puta!" at this the
grandmother started to cry and the baby's father had to be restrained.
What
the doctor should have been saying was "Puja!" (Push!) Instead he was
saying
"Whore! Whore! Whore!"
- An unconscious 36-year old male was brought to the ER with cocaine
induced
seizures. As a nurse pulled back his foreskin to insert a catheter (a
tube
passed through the urethra and into the bladder) a neatly folded
twenty
dollar bill fell out of the foreskin fold. When the man woke up and
demanded
to leave, the nurse gave him back his belongings and told him where
she had
found the money. His response: "It was a fifty, bitch!"
- An elderly woman came into the ER complaining: "I got the green
vines in my
virginny" (Interesting). A pelvic exam verifies that she did, indeed,
have a
six inch vine growing out of her vagina. Further inspection revealed
that she
had a mass in her vaginal vault. It was easily removed and looked
very much
like a potato. It was, indeed, a potato. The patient said that her
uterus
was falling out and that she "put a potato in there to hold it up"
and then
forgot about it.
- The most nonemergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m.
with a
complaint of belly button lint.
- A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the
exam
and questioning the female denied being sexually active. The doctor
gave her
a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive.
The doctor went back to the young female's room.
Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came back positive. Are
you
sure you're not sexually active?"
Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there."
Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?"
Patient: "No. Who?"
- A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed
to the
hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation
attempts
the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's
78-year old daughter that her mother didn't make it.
. "Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance
forty-five minutes ago!"
- A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting
next to
him. The boy was coming down from "crank" (methamphetamine) that he
had
injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his
friends.
Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if there was anything
he might
have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for a
while
then said questioningly, "I've been screwing the dog?"
- A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that
she
and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she
wasn't able
to retrieve it with her fingers. I went to the bathroom and
"gagged"
myself to vomit but couldn't vomit it up either."
***********************************
Bill Gates meets Satan.
"Wiiiiilliam Gaaaates..."
"Oh, hi, Satan. What's up downstairs?"
"It's tiiiiime..."
"Yeah, but we're still debugging Memphis, and Ballmer swears he'll wipe out
Adobe before lunch, and Melinda wants to change the tile in the third-floor
kitchen again, and..."
"Sorry, Bill. I've given you too many extensions already, not to mention the
Oracle8 launch event disaster, not to mention Steve Jobs' head on a platter."
"Yeah, that was a good one. I think you enjoy this as much as I..."
"Regardless, a deal's a deal. Your soul is mine, Bill Gates.
And today is the day you pay your eternal debt to me."
"Now, let's be reasonable here, Satan..."
"Reasonable?!? You want reasonable?!? You're the richest man in the world!
You've got a beautiful wife and daughter! Microsoft is the most powerful company
on the planet! We're even using NT to run hell's WAN server! And frankly, it
sucks. That's one of the reasons I've come to collect. If you can't get my
network to run right, you'll spend the afterlife writing Windows applications
that run on doorbells..."
"What's your alternative, Satan? Netware? AppleTalk? OS/2?
You're a funny guy for someone who breathes fire."
"Well, God is porting all his heaven-critical applications to Java..."
"Java?!? Stop it, Satan. You're going to make me wet my pants again like that
time you told me to buy Novell for $50 a share."
"Yes, Java, running on Sun servers, IBM plumbing and Oracle databases with thin
clients accessing the apps via the web through Netscape Navigator."
"That's not a solution, that's one of those Grimm's fairy tales that scare
children to death. I have yet to see an NC actually being used to do anything
except crash during demonstrations. Look, Java is a nice little language for
animating web sites, but Shockwave after too many espressos isn't going to
displace Windows as an applications platform on hundreds of millions of PCs."
"Nevertheless, Java is the future of computing, and I'll be damned if I'm going
to give God a strategic technology advantage!"
"Satan, what if I told you I could kill off Java with a single word?"
"Interesting. Tell me more."
"Wait a minute. What's in it for me?"
"I promise I won't turn you into Larry Ellison's bidet right this second."
"Okay, that works for me. Here's the word...disable."
"Disable what?"
"Disable Java support in Internet Explorer."
"You mean Microsoft's web browser won't run Java anymore?"
"That's right, brimstone breath. You want to run Java, give Netscape 50 bucks
per seat and pray that IBM doesn't buy the company to merge Communicator with
Lotus Notes."
"The Department of Justice will..."
"Will what? Punish me because I won't support a product my enemies want to use
to destroy my company? Chevrolet dealers don't have to sell Fords. Pepsi's
restaurants don't have to offer Coke. Why does Microsoft have to support Java?"
"It's an industry standard..."
"It's an industry hallucination."
"There will be a public outcry..."
"From who? Network managers? MIS? The CIO? They're up to their nosehairs in
Cobol getting ready for January 1, 2000. To them, Java is still a cute word for
coffee."
"What about all those spiffy applets on thousands of web sites?"
"Microsoft owns 100 percent of the Apple and Windows preload market for
browsers, and our overall share has gone from zero to half in two years. It's a
safe bet most people will soon use IE for web access. If they come to a site
that doesn't work because of Java, they'll simply jump to the next one. Trust
me, developers will switch to ActiveX faster than you can say 'Playstation.'"
"What about other platforms..."
"Like Intel has competition?"
"Interactive TV..."
"We call it WebTV in Redmond."
"Venture capitalists have invested billions..."
"To get a date with Kim Polese."
"Sun will write a plug-in..."
"Not without the hidden APIs."
"Of all my minions, you are my very favorite, Bill. You may stay."
"Thanks, Satan. Now, about that Exchange license agreement..."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************
_
Today's question: What in the world is electricity and where does it
go after it leaves the toaster?
______________________________________________________________________
_
Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important
electrical lesson: On a cool dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet,
then reach your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental
fillings. Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried
out in pain? This teaches one that electricity can be a very powerful
force, but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn
an important lesson about electricity.
It also illustrates how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed
your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small
objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpet so that they will
attract dirt.
The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your
finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling,
then travel down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing
the circuit.
AMAZING ELECTRONIC FACT:
If you scuffed your feet long enough without touching anything, you
would build up so many electrons that your finger would explode! But
this is nothing to worry about unless you have carpeting.
Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios,
mixers, etc. for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have
any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place
to plug them in.
Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, Benjamin Franklin, who
flew a kite in a lightning storm and received a serious electrical
shock. This proved that lightning was powered by the same force as
carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely that he
started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as, "A penny
saved is a penny earned."
Eventually he had to be given a job running the post office. After
Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names have become
part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp, James
Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important
electrical experiments. Among them, Galvani discovered (this is the
truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg
of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked,
even though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead
anyway. Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of
amphibian medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog
that has been seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in
its muscles, and watch it hop back into the pond. However, water is a
great conductor of electricity and the frog is immediately
electrocuted.
But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who
was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal
education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in
1877 was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of
American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was
invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879 when he
invented the electric company.
Edison's design was a brilliant adaptation of the simple electrical
circuit: the electric company sends electricity through a wire to a
customer, then immediately gets the electricity back through another
wire, then (this is the brilliant part) sends it right back to the
customer again.
This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch
of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since
very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely.
In fact, the last year any new electricity was generated was 1937.
Today, thanks to men like Edison and Franklin, and frogs like
Galvani's, we receive almost unlimited benefits from electricity.
For example, in the past decade scientists have developed the laser,
an electronic appliance so powerful that it can vaporize a bulldozer
2000 yards away, yet so precise that doctors can use it to perform
delicate operations to the human eyeball, provided they remember to
change the power setting from "Bulldozer" to "Eyeball."
**************************
Someone apparently went through the trouble of taping all the
Simpsons,
watching them all and writing down what Bart is writing on the board.
These are the collective writings of the Simpsons from the chalkboard
exercises that Bart writes:
I will not carve gods.
I will not spank others.
I will not aim for the head.
I will not barf unless I'm sick.
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
I will not conduct my own fire drills.
Funny noises are not funny.
I will not snap bras.
I will not fake seizures.
This punishment is not boring and pointless.
My name is not Dr. Death.
I will not defame New Orleans.
I will not prescribe medication.
I will not bury the new kid.
I will not teach others to fly.
I will not bring sheep to class.
A burp is not an answer.
Teacher is not a leper.
Coffee is not for kids.
I will not eat things for money.
I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.
The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.
I will not call the principal "spud head."
Goldfish don't bounce.
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
No one is interested in my underpants.
I will not sell miracle cures.
I will return the seeing-eye dog.
I do not have diplomatic immunity.
I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
I will never win an emmy.
The cafeteria deep fat fryer is not a toy.
All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.
I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause.
I am not authorized to fire substitue teachers.
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
I am not deliciously saucy.
Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan!"
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
There are plenty of businesses like show business.
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
I will not waste chalk.
I will not skateboard in the halls.
In will not instigate a revolution.
I will not draw naked ladies in class.
I did not see Elvis.
I will not call my teacher, "Hot Cakes."
Garlic gum is not funny.
They are laughing at me, not with me.
I will not yell, "Fire" in a crowded classroom.
I will not encourage others to fly.
I will not fake my way through life.
Tar is not a plaything.
I will not Xerox my butt.
It's potato, not potatoe.
I will not trade pants with others.
I am not a 32 year old woman.
I will not do that thing with my tongue.
I will not drive the principal's car.
I will not pledge allegiance to Bart.
I will not sell school property.
I will not burp in class.
I will not cut corners.
I will not get very far with this attitude.
I will not belch the National Anthem.
I will not sell land in Florida.
I will not grease the monkey bars.
I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment.
I will not do anything bad ever again.
I will not show off.
I will not sleep through my education.
I am not a dentist.
Spitwads are not free speech.
Nobody likes sunburn slappers.
High explosives and school don't mix.
I will not bribe Principal Skinner.
I will not squeak chalk.
I will finish what I started
"Bart Bucks" are not legal tender.
Underwear should be worn on the inside.
The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
I will not torment the emotionally frail.
****************************
There are certain things we all should know about Barbie
history. When an icon carries this much weight in a society,
it becomes so present, so commonplace that it becomes
almost invisible, taken for granted. When this happens we
have to dredge our collective memories, to see what
awareness we can dislodge.
In her book "Forever Barbie", M. G. Lord does just that, and
the bodies of many repressed memories come floating to
the surface. In this "biography" of Barbie, Lord finds many
fascinating parallels between the development of Barbie,
and the evolution of our culture. She explores Barbie as if
the doll is the collective subconscious of America, which I
think in many ways is true. Many of the following facts
come from "Forever Barbie".
Here are some high points from early Barbie history:
In 1945 Ruth and Elliot Handler form Mattel.
In 1957 Ruth conceives of a three dimensional adult-like
doll. The body is based on German doll called "Lilli" which
is sold as a sex toy for men.
In 1958 the first Barbie dolls are manufactured in Japan.
Barbie has her debut in winter 1959 at the American Toy
Fair in NYC.
The marketing of Barbie is driven by Ernest Dichter,
director of the Institute for Motivational Research. A PhD
who studied psychology at the University of Vienna,
Dichter used Freudian analysis to bring a "scientific"
approach to marketing.
In 1963 "Sex and the Single Girl" is published.
In 1967 the "Twist and Turn" Barbie is released, with
swivel waist and hips.
In 1971, with the "Malibu Barbie", Barbies eyes look
straight ahead for the first time. Older Barbies eyes looked
slightly down and to the side.
In 1975, "Skipper", Barbie's sidekick, sprouts breasts.
In 1979 Barbie gets a new accessory, the "Fur & Jewels
Safe" with a security alarm. Just in time for the 80's.
In 1980 Black Barbie is released. She is designed by Kitty
Black Perkins, a black woman.
Vanessa Williams becomes the first black Miss America in
1983.
In 1984 Barbie is sold with the slogan "We girls can do
anything". "Day-to-Night" Barbie comes with a briefcase,
calculator, newspaper and business card. And Mattel
releases "She-Ra, Princess of Power", promoted with the
slogan "The fate of the world is in the hands of one
beautiful girl".
Also in 1984, Geraldine Ferraro makes a bid for Vice
President of the United States.
And finally in 1984 (busy year) Drexel Burnham Lambert
supplies $231 million to Mattel. Michael Milken voices
support for Barbie and Mattel, saying "I believe in Barbie."
And some facts of interest:
Barbie is made from polyvinylchloride.
If Barbie was human sized, she would stand 5 foot 6
inches tall, weigh 110 pounds, and have a 39 inch bust, 18
inch waist and 33 inch hips.
She is named after Ruth and Elliot Handler's daughter.
Ken is named after their son.
"Plastic money", the credit card, came into use in 1958
with the invention of the American Express Card, the
same year that plastic was used to mass produce Barbie.
Mattel used a widespread new medium for selling Barbie:
television. Through TV, Barbie could be marketed directly
to children.
Barbie is eleven and one half inches tall.
In 1992 the average American girl owned 7 Barbies.
************************
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were
born in 1980.
The Iranian hostage crisis occurred before they were conceived.
They have no memory of a time before M-TV.
"New Wave" is their PARENTS musical generation.
Cyndi Lauper, Boy George, the Pretenders, the Kinks, the Sex
Pistols--are all old music they have heard of, if they have heard of
it
at all.
They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era.
They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
If they have heard the name "Oliver North," it was probably as a
losing
Congressional candidate, or perhaps in some obscure survey history
text's reference, such as might be made to Huey Long or Teapot Dome.
Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
Their world has always included AIDS.
Having not lived through the Disco Scare, they can romanticize the
1970s.
They see "Family Ties" as something middle aged ladies watch.
They watched "Star Wars" years ago, when they were kids--on video.
Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums and cassette audiotapes.
From their earliest years, a camera was something you used once and
threw away.
As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.
The oil crisis is history of which they probably know nothing and why
anyone WOULDN'T buy a Suburban is beyond them.
Most of them have probably never seen a real nun, even if they went to
Catholic schools.
So, my superannuated friends, why don't we all get together and feel
obsolete over some Geritol Tea?
*********************************
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door
bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes.
They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten
glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The
corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and
chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the
chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising
the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She
walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table
erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table,
exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51
days!"
The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over
to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's
puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit,
the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and
celebration about?" The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in,
"Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So,
we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought
that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years,
but we put it together in 51 days!"
*****************************
Life Will Not Be Like Star Trek
-------------------------------
Written by Scott Adams, published in "The Dilbert Future" by
HarperBusiness.
Copyright United Media, 1997. Please keep this notice with the text
if
you
forward it by e-mail.
..........................................................
There are so many Star Trek(tm) spin-offs that it is easy to fool
yourself into thinking that the Star Trek vision is an accurate vision
of the future.
Sadly, Star Trek does not take into account the stupidity,
selfishness, and horniness of the average human being. Allow me to
describe some of the more obvious errors in the Star Trek vision.
Medical Technology
------------------
On Star Trek, the doctors have handheld devices that instantly close
any openings in the skin. Imagine that sort of device in the hands of
your unscrupulous friends. They would sneak up behind you and seal
your ass shut as a practical joke. The devices would be sold in
novelty stores instead of medical outlets. All things considered, I'm
happy that it's not easy to close other people's orifices.
Transporter
-----------
It would be great to be able to beam your molecules across space and
then reassemble them. The only problem is that you have to trust your
co-worker to operate the transporter. These are the same people who
won't add paper to the photocopier or make a new pot of coffee after
taking the last drop. I don't think they'll be double-checking the
transporter coordinates. They'll be accidentally beaming people into
walls, pets, and furniture. People will spend all their time
apologizing for having inanimate objects protruding from parts of
their bodies.
'Pay no attention to the knickknacks; I got beamed into a hutch
yesterday.'
If I could beam things from one place to another, I'd never leave the
house.
I'd sit in a big comfy chair and just start beaming groceries, stereo
equipment, cheerleaders, and anything else I wanted right into my
house. I'm fairly certain I would abuse this power. If anybody came
to arrest me, I'd beam them into space. If I wanted some paintings for
my walls, I'd beam the contents of the Louvre over to my place, pick
out the good stuff, and beam the rest into my neighbor's garage.
If I were watching the news on television and didn't like what I
heard, I would beam the anchorman into my living room during the
commercial break, give him a vicious wedgie, and beam him back before
anybody noticed. I'd never worry about 'keeping up with the Joneses,'
because as soon as they got something nice, it would disappear right
out of their hands. My neighbors would have to use milk crates for
furniture. And that's only after I had all the milk crates I would
ever need for the rest of my life. There's only one thing that could
keep me from spending all my time wreaking havoc with the transporter:
the holodeck.
Holodeck
--------
For those of you who only watched the 'old' Star Trek, the holodeck
can create simulated worlds that look and feel just like the real
thing. The characters on Star Trek use the holodeck for recreation
during breaks from work. This is somewhat unrealistic. If I had a
holodeck, I'd close the door and never come out until I died of
exhaustion. It would be hard to convince me I should be anywhere but
in the holodeck, getting my oil massage from Cindy Crawford and her
simulated twin sister.
Holodecks would be very addicting. If there weren't enough holodecks
to go around, I'd get the names of all the people who had reservations
ahead of me and beam them into concrete walls. I'd feel tense about
it, but that's exactly why I'd need a massage.
I'm afraid the holodeck will be society's last invention.
Sex with Aliens
---------------
According to Star Trek, there are many alien races populated with
creatures who would like to have sex with humans. This would open up
a lot of anatomical possibilities, but imagine the confusion. It's
hard enough to have sex with human beings, much less humanoids. One
wrong move and you're suddenly transported naked to the Gamma Quadrant
to stand trial for who-knows-what. This could only add to performance
anxiety. You would never be quite sure what moves would be sensual and
what moves would be a galactic-sized mistake.
Me Trying to Have Sex with an Alien
-----------------------------------
Me: May I touch that?
Alien: That is not an erogenous zone. It is a
separate corporeal being that has been attached to my body for
six hundred years.
Me: It's cute. I wonder if it would let me
have sex with it.
Alien: That's exactly what I said six hundred
years ago.
The best part about having sex with aliens, according to the Star Trek
model, is that the alien always dies a tragic death soon afterward. I
don't have to tell you how many problems that would solve.
Realistically, the future won't be that convenient.
Phasers
-------
I would love to have a device that would stun people into
unconsciousness without killing them. I would use it ten times a day.
If I got bad service at the convenience store, I'd zap the clerk. If
somebody with big hair sat in front of me at the theater, zap!
On Star Trek, there are no penalties for stunning people with phasers.
It happens all the time. All you have to do is claim you were
possessed by an alien entity. Apparently, that is viewed as a credible
defense in the Star Trek future. Imagine real criminals in a world
where the 'alien possession' defense is credible.
Criminal: Yes, officer, I did steal that vehicle, and
I did kill the occupants, but I was possessed
by an evil alien entity.
Officer: Well, okay. Move along.
I wish I had a phaser right now. My neighbor's dog likes to stand
under my bedroom window on the other side of the fence and bark for
hours at a time.
My neighbor has employed the bold defense that he believes it might be
another neighbor's dog, despite the fact that I am standing there
looking at him barking only twenty feet away. In a situation like
this, a phaser is really the best approach. I could squeeze off a
clean shot through the willow tree. A phaser doesn't make much noise,
so it wouldn't disturb anyone. Then the unhappy little dog and I
could both get some sleep. If the neighbor complains, I'll explain
that the phaser was fired by the other neighbor's dog, a known
troublemaker who is said to be invisible.
And if that doesn't work, a photon torpedo is clearly indicated.
Cyborgs
-------
Given the choice, I would rather be a cyborg instead of 100 percent
human. I like the thought of technology becoming part of my body. As a
human, I am constantly running to the toolbox in my garage to get a
tool to deal with some new household malfunction. If I were a cyborg,
I might have an electric drill on my arm, plus a metric socket set.
That would save a lot of trips.
From what I've seen, the cyborg concept is a modular design, so you
can
add
whatever tools you think you'd use most.
I'd love to see crosshairs appear in my viewfinder every time I looked
at someone. It would make me feel menacing, and I'd like that. I'd
program myself so that anytime I saw a car salesman, a little message
would appear in my viewfinder that said 'Target Locked On.'
It would also be great to have my computer built into my skull. That
way I could surf the Net during useless periods of life, such as when
people talk to me. All I'd have to do is initiate a head-nodding
subroutine during boring conversations and I could amuse myself in my
head all day long.
I think that if anyone could become a cyborg, there would be a huge
rush of people getting in line for the conversion. Kids would like it
for the look.
Adults would like it for its utility. Cyborg technology has something
for everyone. So, unlike Star Trek, I can imagine everyone wanting to
be a cyborg.
The only downside I can see is that when the human part dies and
you're at the funeral, the cyborg part will try to claw its way out of
the casket and slay all the mourners. But that risk can be minimized
by saying you have an important business meeting, so you can't make it
to the service.
Shields
-------
I wish I had an invisible force field. I'd use it all the time,
especially around people who spit when they talk or get too close to
my personal space.
In fact, I'd probably need a shield quite a bit if I also had a phaser
to play with.
I wouldn't need a big shield system like the one they use to protect
the Enterprise, maybe just a belt-clip device for personal use. I
could insult dangerous people without fear of retribution. Whatever
crumbs of personality I now have would be completely unnecessary in
the future. On the plus side, it would make shopping much more fun.
Shopping with Shields Up
------------------------
Me: Ring this up for me, you
unpleasant cretin.
Saleswoman: I oughta slug you!
Me: Try it. My shields are up.
Saleswoman: Damn!
Me: There's nothing you can do to
harm me.
Saleswoman: I guess you're right. Would you like
to open a charge account? Our interest rates are very
reasonable.
Me: Nice try.
Long-Range Sensors
------------------
If people had long-range sensors, they would rarely use them to scan
for new signs of life. I think they would use them to avoid work. You
could run a continuous scan for your boss and then quickly transport
yourself out of the area when he came near. If your manager died in
his office, you would know minutes before the authorities discovered
him, and that means extra break time.
Vulcan Death Grip
-----------------
Before all you Trekkies write to correct me, I know there is no such
thing as a Vulcan Death Grip even in Star Trek. But I wish there were.
That would have come in handy many times. It would be easy to make the
Vulcan Death Grip look like an accident.
'I was just straightening his collar and he collapsed.'
I think the only thing that keeps most people from randomly killing
other citizens is the bloody mess it makes and the high likelihood of
getting caught. With the Vulcan Death Grip, it would be clean and
virtually undetectable. Everybody would be killing people left and
right. You wouldn't be able to have a decent conversation at the
office over the sound of dead co-workers hitting the carpet. The most
common sounds in corporate America would be, 'I'm sorry I couldn't
give you a bigger raise, but . . . erk!'
And that's why the future won't be like Star Trek.
**************************
Ways To Irritate People
1. In the memo field of all your checks, write "blowjob".
2. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
3. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen
while talking to others.
4. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your
TV and then pointing it at the screen.
5. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
6. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
7. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and
announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub."
8. Leave the copy machine set to enlarge 200%, extra dark, 17 inch
paper, 99 copies.
9. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
10. Sniffle incessantly.
11. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all
weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
12. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your
"astronaut training."
13. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your
neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace."
14. Practice making fax and modem noises.
15. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:"
them to your boss.
16. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if
people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
17. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell
the neighbors you are a "spider person."
18. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
19. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences,
producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying
more any moment.
20. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge
across the room.
21. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and
insist to others that you "like it that way."
22. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
23. Wear your pants backwards.
24. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
25. Ask people what gender they are.
26. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a
parakeet.
***************************
NO, WINDOWS IS NOT A VIRUS. HERE'S WHAT VIRUSES (VIRI?) DO:
1. They replicate quickly-okay, Windows does that.
2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the
system as they do so-okay, Windows does that.
3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk-okay,
Windows does that, too.
4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with
valuable
programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.
5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is
too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with
Windows, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental
differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running
on
most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and
they
tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So, Windows is *not* a virus. It's a BUG!
********************************
Throughout the history of mankind, the best art has always been produced
by people suffering extreme hardship. Treat your artists accordingly. Here
are some gems I've picked up from the game industry thus far:
Never EVER encourage artists, doing so makes them lazy and lethargic. Make
it a point to walk into their room a few times a day, stare blankly at
their screen, mumble "man that sucks", and walk out again.
Be sure to consistently forget their order when having dinner delivered
for
the development team. As a gesture of good will, invite them into the
kitchen anyway and give them the complimentary bread sticks. With the
entire team at the table, be sure to lavish warmth and affection on the
programmers, proclaiming loud and long how they are the pinnacle of the
entire project and an invaluable assett to the company.
Do not allow the artists to be present during presentations to upper
management. Point out aftwards that management is threatening to cancel
the
entire project and make everyone reapply for their jobs unless there are
serious improvements in graphics....SOON!
Build your artists' hopes by providing them with the very best software
possible, then make them run on it a 486 with 8 Meg of RAM. Make sure a
beta copy of Win95 is installed, under no circumstances should they be
allowed to install NT.
At the beginning of the project, make sure they understand that the game
will be run in 256-color mode. Half-way through production, switch the
game
to true-color.
With a small pair of pliers, secretly bend the rollers inside their mice
and trackballs. When they complain, get them to fill out the appropriate
forms, and say that supplies will "get back to them" about it. Don't let
them use a digitizing tablet, tell them the project manager needs it for
spreadsheet apps.
Put your tools programmer on engine development, and force the artists to
write script files. Stress the importance of giving programmers the
complete freedom to do whatever they want.
Connect your artists' machines to the network, but make sure that they,
and
they alone, are behind the firewall. Install a chat client so you can pop
up messages throughout the day, reminders such as "The deadline is
approaching fast" and "Big brother is watching you" are a sure-fire way to
maximize productivity. Compile a list of all pirated software on their
machine, then threaten to turn them in to the authorities if they quit.
Set up a small corporation for the sole purpose of providing equity to
your
artists...at a discount. Close it down again at the end of the project.
Single out one artist, and in front of the CEO tell him how impressed you
are with his work and how you've never before seen anyone with as much
talent. Make sure the other artists are watching as you do this. Do this a
few times a year, each time with a different person.
Follow these simple guidelines, and you too will have the same
block-buster
quality graphics other games have!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
PS: Ok, so I exaggerated...a bit. I've seen artists get a pretty raw deal
in a couple of places I've worked though. I actually prefer to be in the
same room as artists, they tend to be the most easy going and fun bunch of
people to work with.
**************************
PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK
1. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE U HUMP
2. BEFORE U ATTACK HER, WRAP YR WHACKER
3. DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YR WILLY
4. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YR SPOUT
5. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YR BONER
6. YOU CANT GO WRONG IF U SHIELD YR DONG
7. IF YOU'RE NOT GOIN TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT.
8. IF U THINK SHE'S SPUNKY COVER YR MONKEY
9. IF U SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE
10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF U WRAP YR PETER
11. SHE WONT GET SICK IF U WRAP YR DICK
12. IF U GO IN TO HEAT, PACKAGE YR MEAT
13. WHILE UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YR PENIS
14. WHEN U TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, SLIP UP YR TROUSER MOUSE
15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YR MEMBER
16. NEVER,NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER
17. DONT BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YR TOOL
18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YR ERECTION
19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL
20. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER
21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!
_______________________________________________
YOU WILL EXPERIENCE GREAT SEX WITHIN FOUR DAYS OF RECIEVING
THIS LETTER, PROVIDED U SEND IT ON.
Since the copy must tour the world, you must make ten copies and
send them to others. This is no joke. Send no money. Send copies
to people who need to get laid within 96 hours. You have been selected
to receive this letter because the person who sent this to you either
thinks you need good luck or they want to send the curse of this
letter on to you.
IF YOU SEND THIS TO:
0 people, your life will be a living hell
1-3 people, your next relationship will be fun but won't last
long
4-6 people, someone will get a crush on you
7-10 people, you will get a date for friday night
11-14 people, you will get a date for the next school dance
15-18 people, your crush will ask for your number
19-24 people, you will meet the person of your dreams
25-29 people, your crush will ask you out
30-34 people, your next relationship will last long and be good
35-37 people, you will live long enough and have a good life and
get lots of sex
You must send this in 1 day after reading it. If you do not send this
to anyone your life will be a living hell. The more people you send
this letter to the more luck you will have.
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a
stool
and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He
can
play any instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd
laughing
at him, calling him an idiot etc... So he says that he will wager 500USD
to
anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus. The octopus
starts playing better than Jimmi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man
pays his 500.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet
better
than Dizzy Gallepsie. So the man pays his 500.
A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus
fumbles with it for a minute and sets it down with a confused look.
"Ha!",
the man says, "can't you play it?".
The octopus looks up at the man and says "Play it ?, I'm going to fuck
it,
as soon as I get its pyjamas off".
***********************
Woman Speak English
----------- -------
Yes No
No Yes (or No)
Maybe No
I'm sorry You'll be sorry
You want You want
We need I want
It's your decision The correct decision should be
obvious by now
Do what you want You'll pay for this later
We need to talk I need to complain
Sure... go ahead I don't want you to
I'm not upset Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're ... so manly You need a shave and you sweat a
lot
You're certainly attentive tonight Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient I want a new house
I want new curtains and carpeting, and furniture, and
wallpaper.....
Hang the picture there NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? I'm going to ask for something
expensive
How much do you love me? I did something today you're really
not going to like
I'll be ready in a minute Kick off your shoes and find a good
game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate Just agree with me
Are you listening to me!? [Too late, you're dead.]
Was that the baby? Why don't you get out of bed and
walk him until he goes to sleep
I'm not yelling! Yes I am yelling because I think
this is important
I'm not emotional! And I'm not I've got my period
overreacting!
I need wedding shoes The other 40 pairs are the wrong
shade of white
All we're going to buy is a It goes without saying that we're
soapdish stopping at the cosmetics
department, the shoe department,
I need to look at a few purses,
and those sheets would look
great in the bedroom and did you
bring your cheque book?
[The answer to "What's wrong?"]:
The same old thing Nothing
Nothing Everything
Everything My PMS is acting up
Nothing, really It's just that you're such an
asshole
I don't want to talk about it Go away, I'm still building up
evidence against you
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Man Speak English
--------- -------
I'm hungry I'm hungry
I'm sleepy I'm sleepy
I'm tired I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? I'd eventually like to have sex
with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? I'd eventually like to have sex
with you
Can I call you sometime? I'd eventually like to have sex
with you
May I have this dance? I'd eventually like to have sex
with you
Nice dress! Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a I want to fondle you
massage
What's wrong? I don't see why you are making
such a big deal out of this
What's wrong? What meaningless self-inflicted
psychological trauma are you
going through now?
What's wrong? I guess sex tonight is out of the
question
I'm bored Do you want to have sex?
I love you Let's have sex now
I love you, too Okay, I said it...we'd better have
sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your I liked it better before
hair
Yes, I like the way you cut your $50 and it doesn't look that much
hair different!
Let's talk I am trying to impress you by
showing that I am a deep person
and maybe then you'd like to
have sex with me
Will you marry me? I want to make it illegal for you
to have sex with other guys
(while shopping) I like that one Pick any freakin' dress and let's
better go home!
I don't think that blouse and I am gay
that skirt go well together
I'm going fishing I'm going to drink myself
dangerously stupid, and stand by
a stream with a stick in my
hand, while the fish swim by in
complete safety
Let's take your car Mine is full of beer cans, burger
wrappers and completely out of
gas
Woman driver Someone who doesn't speed,
tailgate, swear, make obscene
gestures and has a better
driving record than me
I don't care what color you paint As long as it's not blue, green,
the kitchen pink, red, yellow, lavender,
gray, mauve, black, turquoise
or any other color besides
white
It's a guy thing There is no rational thought
pattern connected with it, and
you have no chance at all of
making it logical
Can I help with dinner? Why isn't it already on the table?
"Uh huh", "Sure, honey" or "Yes, Absolutely nothing. It's a
dear" conditioned response like
Pavlov's dog drooling
Good idea It'll never work. And I'll spend
the rest of the day gloating
Have you lost weight? I've just spent our last $30 on a
cordless drill
My wife doesn't understand me. She's heard all my stories before,
and is tired of them
It would take too long to explain I have no idea how it works
I'm getting more exercise lately The batteries in the remote are
dead
I got a lot done I found 'Waldo' in almost every
picture
We're going to be late. Now I have a legitimate excuse to
drive like a maniac
Hey, I've read all the classics I've been subscribing to Playboy
since 1972
You cook just like my mother used She used the smoke detector as a
to meal timer, too
I was listening to you. It's I was wondering if that red-head
just that I have things on my over there is wearing a bra
Take a break, honey, you're I can't hear the game over the
working too hard vacuum cleaner
"That's interesting, dear Are you still talking?
Honey, we don't need material I forgot our anniversary again
things to prove our love
You expect too much of me You want me to stay awake
It's a really good movie It's got guns, knives, fast cars,
and Heather Locklear
That's women's work It's difficult, dirty, and
thankless
Will you marry me? Both my roommates have moved out,
I can't find the washer, and
there is no more peanut butter
Go ask your mother I am incapable of making a
decision
You know how bad my memory is I remember the theme song to 'F
Troop', the address of the
first girl I ever kissed and
the Vehicle Identification
Numbers of every car I've ever
owned, but I forgot your
birthday
I was just thinking about you, The girl selling them on the
got you these roses corner was a real babe
Football is a man's game Women are generally too smart to
play it
Oh, don't fuss. I just cut I have actually severed a limb,
myself, it's no big deal but will bleed to death before
I admit I'm I'm hurt
I do help around the house I once put a dirty towel in the
laundry basket
Hey, I've got my reasons for what And I sure hope I think of some
I'm doing pretty soon
I can't find it It didn't fall into my outstretched
hands, so I'm completely
clueless
What did I do this time? What did you catch me at?
What do you mean, you need new You just bought new clothes 3 years
clothes? ago
She's one of those rabid She refused to make my coffee
feminists
But I hate to go shopping Because I always wind up outside
the dressing room holding your
purse
No, I left plenty of gas in the You may actually get it to start
I'm going to stop off for a quick I am planning on drinking myself
one with the guys into a vegetative stupor with
my chest pounding, mouth
breathing, pre-evolutionary
companions
I heard you I haven't the foggiest clue what
you just said, and am hoping
desperately that I can fake it
well enough so that you don't
spend the next 3 days yelling
at me
You know I could never love I am used to the way you yell at
anyone else me, and realize it could be
worse
You look terrific Oh, God, please don't try on one
more outfit. I'm starving
I brought you a present It was free ice scraper night at
the ball game
I missed you I can't find my sock drawer, the
kids are hungry and we are out
of toilet paper
I'm not lost. I know exactly No one will ever see us alive
where we are again
We share the housework I make the messes, she cleans them
up
This relationship is getting too I like you more than my truck
serious
I recycle We could pay the rent with the
money from my empties
Of course I like it, honey, you Oh man, what have you done to
look beautiful yourself?
It sure snowed last night I suppose you're going to nag me
about shoveling the walk now
It's good beer It was on sale
I don't need to read the I am perfectly capable of screwing
instructions it up without printed help
I'll fix the garbage disposal If I wait long enough you'll get
later frustrated and buy a new one
I'll take you to a fancy Someplace that doesn't have a
restaurant drive-thru window
I broke up with her She dumped me
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Another call to round up the usual SUSPECTS. Feel free to forward but
do not remove this trailer. For subscription info, send blank email to
suspects-l-request@netcom.com with the word INFO in the Subject line.
SUSPECTS, a non-profit service, does not own rights to most material.
Original author/sender credited if known. Send comments/submissions to
Ric Goldman, "A Usual Suspect", at suspects-l-owner@netcom.com.
***********************
The B.O.O.K.
Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device (BOOK). The
BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: No wires, no electric
circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so
easy to use, even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover! Compact and
portable, it can be used anywhere--even sitting in an armchair by the
fire--yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM
disc. Here's how it works...
TECHNICAL OVERVIEW
Each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper
(recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information.
These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder
which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.
Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of
the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs in half.
Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information
density; for now, BOOKs with more information simply use more pages. This
makes them thicker and harder to carry, and has drawn some criticism from
the mobile computing crowd.
INPUT/OUTPUT
Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into
your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The BOOK
may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The BOOK never
crashes and never needs rebooting, though like other display devices it
can become unusable if dropped overboard. The "browse" feature allows you
to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish.
Many come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of
any selected information for instant retrieval.
ADDITIONAL FEATURES
An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact
place you left it in a previous session--even if the BOOK has been closed.
BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be
used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous bookmarkers
can be used in a single BOOK, if the user wants to store numerous views at
once. The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK.
You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an
optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic
Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).
Portable, durable, and affordable, the BOOK is being hailed as the
entertainment wave of the future. The BOOK's appeal seems so certain, that
thousands of content creators have committed to the platform. Look for a
flood of new titles soon.
**************************
RECEIVED FROM AN ENGLISH PROFESSOR:
"You know that book Men are from Mars, Women from
Venus? Well, here's a prime example of that:
This assignment was actually turned in by two of my
English students:
Rebecca - last name deleted and Gary - last name
deleted.
English 44A
SMU, Creative Writing
Prof. Miller
In-class Assignment for Wednesday"
"Today we will experiment with a new form called the
tandem story.
The process is simple. Each person will pair off
with the person sitting to his or her immediate right.
One of you will then write the first paragraph of a
short story. The partner will read the first paragraph
and then add another paragraph to the story. The first
person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back
and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each
time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over
when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
-----------------------------------------------------------
STORY:
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea
she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite
for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of
Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked
chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep
her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating,
and if she thought about him too much her asthma started
acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of
the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had
more important things to think about than the neuroses
of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom
he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S.
Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic
communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of
resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a
bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted
a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the
direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across
the cockpit.
----------------------------------------------------------
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but
not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically
brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for
him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless
hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.
"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and
Space Travel." Laurie read in her newspaper one morning.
The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She
stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the
days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no
newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her
sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things
around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become
a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
---------------------------------------------------------
Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds
to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian
mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion
missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the
Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress
had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien
empires who were determined to destroy the human race.
Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the
Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough
firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one
to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan.
The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded.
The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine
headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt
the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie
and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his
fist on the conence table. "We can't allow this! I'm
going to veto that treaty! Let's blow'em out of the sky!"
----------------------------------------------------------
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of
literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic,
semi-literate adolescent.
----------------------------------------------------------
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic
whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of
Valium.
----------------------------------------------------------
Asshole.
----------------------------------------------------------
Bitch.
**************************
WHY WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS
It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman.
Women look good in sweaters.
Women leave the room to fart.
WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
Dogs don't cry.
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
Dogs think you sing great.
A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
Dogs are excited by rough play.
Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
Dogs understand that farts are funny.
Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
Dogs don't shop.
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
Dog's parents never come for a visit.
Dogs love long car trips.
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can
shoot it.
Dogs like beer.
Dogs don't hate their bodies.
No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
Dogs never criticize.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
Dogs never expect gifts.
It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
Dogs don't worry about germs.
Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.
Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet,
desk, and the back of your sock drawer.
Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
You never have to wait for a dog.
They're ready to go 24 hours a day.
Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelery.
Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
Dogs can't talk.
Dogs aren't catty.
Dogs seldom outlive you.
HOW DOGS AND WOMEN ARE ALIKE
Both look stupid in hats.
Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.
Both tend to have "hip" problems.
Neither understand football.
Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you
say.
Neither believe that silence is golden.
Neither can balance a checkbook.
You can never tell what either of them is thinking.
Both put too much value on kissing.
**************************
Princess Di and Mother Theresa at the Pearly Gates, St Peter comes out
and says "Sorry girls but we are full up"
Theresa and Di protest to this and Peter says, "Seeing that you are both
well known characters, one of you can come in, but you are each going to
have to do something persuade me"
"No problem" says Mother Theresa and pulls up her habbit to reveal the
most gorgeous tits you have ever seen.
"Fuck me" says St Peter, "thats amazing, your what 82 years old? I have
never seen such beautifull tits, I can't believe it, they belong to a
super model" .
He then turns to Princess Di and says, "Well you better come up with
something pretty special because I am shocked those tits were great"
"There is someting I learn't at a party " says Di, "Have you got a
bottle of Champagne"
"No problem" says Peter and hands her a bottle.
Di takes the bottle, pulls down her knickers and inserts the bottle up
her 'Jack and Danny'.
She then pulls a funny face and pop goes the cork followed by a gush of
champagne frothing out of the orifice of her nether regions.
St Peter gives Di a round of applause and turns to Mother Theresa and
says, "Sorry love but a royal flush beats a pair"..
**************************
Why did Paula Yates leave Bob Geldof for Michael Hutchence?
Because Michael Hutchence is well hung.
**************************
The difference between Princess Diana and Michael Hutchence?
Michael Hutchence remebered to do up his belt.
**************************
There are three engineers in a car, an electrical engineer, a chemical
engineer, and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the
side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering
what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the
electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have
occured. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars suggests
that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked
somewhere. Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about
anything, comes up with a suggestion. "Why don't we close all the
windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll
work!?"
**************************
100 reasons men are glad to be MEN
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Nite Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friend's sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained
weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channels, you don't have to
stall on every shot of someone crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite
sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around
everywhere you go.
17. You understand why "Stripes" is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic
that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or
she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear costs $10 for a three-pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every
nite.
37. If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger
seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people
think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk
into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter
reader is coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting
laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new
haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for
hours without even thinking "He must be mad at me"
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your
lover is about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself
to look like him.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because
this one's just to skeevy.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you
are wearing.
69. Same work....more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency
crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind
your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the
earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is your's and your's alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking
to them.
79. ESPN's sports center.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a
little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your
mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining
you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the
bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he
won't tell your friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase
"F*#k it!"
88. If an other guy shows up at the party in the same
outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically
expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because
you're not in the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it
with a hammer and throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and
anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex
with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...
notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. There is always a game on somewhere.
**************************
On Beer
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it
helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons,
but at the very least you need a beer.-Frank Zappa
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep
your mouth shut.-Ernest Hemingway
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has
taken out of me.-Winston Churchill
He was a wise man who invented beer.-Plato
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. - Catherine
Zandonella
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank
her.-W.C. Fields
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. - Lady Astor to
Winston Churchill.
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.-His reply
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.-
David Daye
Work is the curse of the drinking class.-Oscar Wilde
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.-Henny Youngman
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.-Benjamin
Franklin
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes
beer shoot out your nose.-Deep Thought, Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the
wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.-Dave Barry
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.-
Humphrey Bogart
People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like
to pee a lot.-Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. - Kaiser
Wilhelm
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. - Homer
Simpson
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen,
for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in
beer.-Dave Barry
I drink to make other people interesting.-George Jean Nathan
They who drink beer will think beer.-Washington Irving
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his
fools.-For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemingway
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.-Dean
Martin
All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just
do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.-Homer Simpson
**************************
