One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary.

"You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has been going on!"

The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief pauses for a moment then says "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the black sheep, and I won't say anything about the white child."

He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it up and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"

"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."

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"How long can a person live without brains?"
"I don't know. How old are you?"

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Father : Don't you think our son gets all his brains from me?
Mother : Probably. I still have all mine.

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Don : She's a bright girl...she has brains enough for two.
Art : Then she's just the girl for you.

- A "Don't remind me again" button
- Minimize button
- Shutdown feature

An install shield feature so that Girlfriend 4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)

I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed; they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to unstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory. Another thing that sucks in all versions of Girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally "object oriented" and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources...

Just before her guests arrived, she caught her cat nibbling away at the dish on the dining room table. She had worked so hard that she couldn't throw the mousse away, so she smoothed it over and served it anyway.

Well, the mousse was a hit. Everyone took seconds or thirds. Proudly she stood to bring the empty plate out to the kitchen and looked out the window.

There, next to the house, lay her cat. Dead. She had to confess to her guests that she'd served mousse eaten by the cat and now the cat was dead. The entire dinner party rushed to the hospital to have their stomachs pumped. The housewife, who hadn't eaten any because she knew her cat had, lay in bed--mourning the passing of her cat and fearing that the same fate could befall her guests.

Then, the phone rang. It was her next door neighbor who said, "I'm sorry about your cat. I should have told you that I ran her over but I was just so ashamed and saw that you had a dinner party in progress....So I just put her on your lawn."

Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers

• Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
• For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
• Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
• We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
• For sale: Three canaries of undermined sex. Great Dames.
• Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
• Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.
• Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
• Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
• For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
• Man, honest. Will take anything.

10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter.

Top ten reasons compilers must be female.

10. Picky, picky, picky.
9. They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
8. Beauty is only shell deep.
7. When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing".
6. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
5. Always turning simple statements into big productions.
4. Smalltalk is important.
3. You do the same thing for years, and suddently it's wrong.
2. They make you take the garbage out.
1. Miss a period and they go wild.

"Father, I am sinful. "

"Yes son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."

Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her."

"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake."

"Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too."

"That's not very good of you."

"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her aunt, and I slept with her too."

"Father? ......... Father?" suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the priest was not there. So he began searching for him.

"Father? Where are you?"

He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.

"Father, why are you hiding here?"

"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except you and me."

"Those are 500 pounds, sir," replies the assistant.

"Begorrah!" exclaims Paddy, "Dats an awful lot for a pair of shoes."

"Well, sir, they are crocodile shoes, very rare," says the assistant.

Paddy certainly can't afford 500 pounds for a pair of shoes so he leaves the shop and goes home. He tells his brother, Mick, about the shoes, and Mick has a brilliant idea: "Sure, Paddy, and we should go to Africa and hunt crocodiles and we'd make ourselves a fortune, sure enough!"

Paddy is very impressed with this idea, so off they both go to Africa and they hire a guide to show them to the most crocodile-infested river.

They make camp and Mick says to Paddy, "Tell you what, Paddy, you start hunting the crocodiles, I'll go back to town to find us a truck." So off Mick goes, back to town with the guide leaving Paddy to get on with the tricky task of hunting the crocodiles.

A couple of weeks later, Mick has pretty much drained the town of all available bottles of Guinness and is running low on cash, so he decides to go back to the camp and see how his brother Paddy is getting on.

As he pulls into the camp in the truck, he sees crocodiles everywhere, stacked in huge piles by the hut, stacked along the riverbank, hundreds and hundreds of crocodiles.

He jumps out of the truck and goes in search of Paddy, and just then there's a commotion in the river, loads of splashing, and Paddy comes to the surface clinging onto a huge crocodile which he wrestles to the shore then clubs to death.

"How's it going, there, Paddy?" asks Mick.

"Terrible," replies Paddy, "in fact I've caught about a tousand of dese tings and I've still not found one of dem wearing shoes!"

Here's a little list of "Doc-isms" -- What doctors say, and what they're really thinking:

"This should be taken care of right away."

I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

"Welllllll, what have we here...?"

He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

"Let me check your medical history."

I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."

I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.

--or--

I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.

"We have some good news and some bad news."

The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.

"Let's see how it develops."

Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

"Let me schedule you for some tests."

I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

"I'd like to have my associate look at you."

He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."

I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."

I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

"That's quite a nasty looking wound."

I think I'm going to throw up.

"This may smart a little."

Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"

I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

"This should fix you up."

The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

"Everything seems to be normal."

Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

"I'd like to run some more tests."

I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"

You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me ...

"There is a lot of that going around."

My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.

"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."

I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.