Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

The bartender is rather surprised and asks him, "Why a triple?"

The man says, "I just moved to this part of the country. Until now, my two brothers and I would go out for a martini every day after work. When I was leaving, they said that they would always have on extra martini between them in my honor, and I decided to have a triple in their honor. This way, it's kind of like we're still together."

The bartender sold him the triple martini, and the man became a regular customer. Every weekday for a number of months, the man would go to the same bar and ask the same bartender for a triple. Then one day, the same fellow came into the bar and asked for a double martini. The bartender said to him, "I don't mean to pry but, did one of your brothers pass away?"

The man said, "No. I've given up drinking."

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Japanese?"

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Japanese baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him".

1. In Kentucky, 50 percent of the people who get married for the first time are teenagers.
2. Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during W.W.I.
3. Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded.
4. In Los Angeles, there are fewer people than there are automobiles.
5. About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're still sitting on it. (Who studied this and why? LOL :)
6. You're more likely to get stung by a bee on a windy day than in any other weather.
7. An average person laughs about 15 times a day.
8. Research indicates that mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas.
9. Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air.
10. The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.
11. A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m.p.h.
12. The condom - made originally of linen - was invented in the early 1500's.
13. The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B.C.
14. A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee.
15. The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is.
16. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
17. The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.
18. In 1980, there was only one country in the world with no telephones - Bhutan.
19. Every person has a unique tongue print.
20. Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does.
21. Women's hearts beat faster than men's.
22. Pollsters say that 40 percent of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in their wallets.
23. Bubble gum contains rubber.
24. You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog.
25. Only 55 percent of all Americans know that the sun is a star.
26. The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in Jello.
27. Even if you cut off a cockroach's head, it can live for several weeks.
28. Most American car horns honk in the key of F.
29. The world population of chickens is about equal to the number of people.
30. Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over his head.
31. In 75% of American households, women manage the money and pay the bills.
32. A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana.
33. About 70 percent of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money.
34. It's against the law to catch fish with your bare hands in Kansas.
35. Some toothpaste's contain antifreeze.
36. Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.
37. Millie the White House dog earned more than 4 times as much as President Bush in 1991. And, rightfully so.
38. Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the Western Pacific.
39. There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones.
40. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
41. Lee Harvey Oswald's cadaver tag sold at an auction for $6,600 in 1992.
42. Mosquitoes have teeth.
43. Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray.
44. Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego.
45. The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley.
46. When snakes are born with two heads, they fight each other for food.
47. Most cows give more milk when they listen to music.
48. 27 percent of U.S. male college students believe life is "a meaningless existential hell." (big surprise, eh?)
49. In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die.
50. Aztec emperor Montezuma had a nephew, Cuitlahac, whose name meant "plenty of excrement."
51. Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark. (Hence, the light bulb?)
52. "Kemo Sabe" means "soggy shrub" in Navajo.

People who experienced automobile accidents were asked to explain what happened in a few words or less on insurance or accident forms. The following quotes were taken from these forms and were eventually published in the Toronto Sun, July 26, 19...

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

I thought my window was down, but found out it was up when I put my hand through it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road; I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision. I did not see the other car.

I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on my way to the doctors with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a skull fracture.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the roadway when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.

I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cat.

The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front.

I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.

ISDN = It Still Does Nothing
APPLE = Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
IBM = I Blame Microsoft
DEC = Do Expect Cuts
CA = Constant Acquisitions
CD-ROM = Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 = Obsolete Soon, Too.
SCSI = System Can't See It
DOS = Defunct Operating System
BASIC = Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
WWW = World Wide Wait

Winners of the "worst analogies ever written in a high school essay" contest:

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
(Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
(Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
(Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
(Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
(Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
(Unknown)

Bear
Say
Ass
Dumb
This
Make
Can
I
Times
Many
How
Look

Now repeat the exercise going up the list.

Now read the list going up without saying bear before the words.

BECOME A BETTER LIAR
IT'S EASY!
Just follow these 12 steps.

1) First of all, minimize your lies. If you lie all the time, people will never believe you.

2) Try to cry while you're lying. Everyone believes someone who's crying.

3) Always swear to god (not God with a capital "G".....you'll be punished severely!) Little "g" god can mean Zeus or Poseidon or Money.

4) Emphasize each word (e.g. I...SWEAR...TO...GOD!!!!)

5) Break something (a dish or a vase) if you detect that the listener is even remotely doubting you.

6) Always say: "Ask so-and-so. They'll back me up on this." Be sure to name your best friend, though. Best friends always side with you whether you're lying or not.

7) Plan out your lie ahead of time. Never ad lib, you'll stutter.

8) Never stutter!

9) Never stay in the same city for more than a few months. People catch on to your line of crap in 2 to 3 months on the average.

10) Don't take chances on lies that can be easily researched. For instance, don't say you own Don Quixote's original sword. Your listener might find out that Don Quixote was a fictional character.

11) Stick to your lie NO MATTER WHAT!!!

12) Try going to law school. You can make good money, too!

On a British Airways flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off white South African lady has found herself sitting next to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating.

"What seems to be the problem, Madam?" asked the attendant.

"Can't you see?" she said, "You've sat me next to a kafir. I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!"

"Please calm down, Madam." the stewardess replied. "The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class".

The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her, not to mention many of the surrounding passengers. A few minutes later the stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self-satisfied grin.

"Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have one seat in first class".

Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues: "It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone should be forced to sit next such an obnoxious person."

With that, she turned to the black man and said: "So if you'd like to get your things, sir, I have your seat ready for you..."

At which point, the surrounding passengers stood and gave a standing ovation while the man walked to the front of the plane . . .