Last year, I upgraded my GirlFriend 5.0 to GirlFriend 5.1, which installs itself as "Fiancee 1.0". Recently, I upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it's a real memory hog. It has taken up all my space, and Wife 1.0 must be running before I can do ANYTHING.

It is also spawning Child Processes which are further consuming system resources. Some applications, such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all.

Additional plug-ins were automatically installed, such as Mother-In-Law 55.8, and there is no uninstall feature for these plug-ins. No mention of these behaviors was discussed in the brochures or documentation, although other users have reported similar problems.

Because of this, some users that I know have decided to avoid the headaches associated with these upgrades, and simply move from Girlfriend 5.0 to Girlfriend 6.0. Unfortunately, this is not without peril as well, as all traces of Girlfriend 5.0 must be removed from the system before attempting installation of 6.0.

Even then, Girlfriend 6.0 will repeatedly run system checks (usually in the background, and often late at night when the system is asleep) to find evidence of previous versions. To cap it off, Girlfriend 6.0 apparently has a nag feature reminding about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.

However, I do like some of the features that you are planning to include in the upcoming Girlfriend 6.1 release:

* A "Don't remind me again" button
* Minimize button
* Shutdown feature
* An install shield feature so that Girlfriend can be completely uninstalled if necessary (so you don't lose cache and other objects)

Unfortunately, since I've already upgraded to Wife 1.0, I don't think I will be able to take advantage of any of these new features, unless you decide to include them in the next Mistress release. But, of course, there is a whole raft of problems associated with the use of Mistress 1.0 and Wife 1.0 on the same system -- most notably are system conflicts and continual disk thrashing, which starts shortly after Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 1.0. Interestingly enough, all versions of PersonalLawyer still work fine. Finally, Wife 1.0 apparently deletes all MSMoney files before uninstalling itself; following that, Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

I personally find all these new tools and conflicts to be too confusing and time consuming. I'm sticking with Dog 1.0b3. It slobbers and chews up the paper, but all in all these bugs are tolerable. It is simple to operate and we get along fine.

DETROIT-

With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic market down 11 percent since 1993, General Motors unveiled a new instant-win airbag contest Monday.

The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in all of the company's 1997 cars.

"Auto accidents have never been so exciting," said GM vice-president of marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost 1997 sales significantly. "When you play the new GM Instant Win Airbag Game, your next fatal collision could mean a trip for two to Super Bowl XXXI in New Orleans. Or a year's worth of free Mobil gasoline."

Though it does not officially begin until Jan. 1, 1997, the airbag promotion is already being tested in select cities, with feedback overwhelmingly positive.

"As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to myself, 'Oh, boy, this could be it-I could be a big winner!'" said Cincinnati's Martin Frelks, who lost his wife but won $50 Sunday when the Buick LeSabre they were driving hit an oil slick at 60 mph and slammed into an oncoming truck. "When the car stopped rolling down the embankment, I knew Ellen was dead, but all I could think about was getting the blood and glass out of my eyes so I could read that airbag!"

"It's really addictive," said Sacramento, CA, resident Marjorie Kamp, speaking from her hospital bed, where she is listed in critical condition with severe brain hemorrhaging and a punctured right lung. "I've already crashed four cars trying to win those Super Bowl tickets, but I still haven't won. I swear, I'm going to win those tickets-even if it kills me!"

Kamp said that as soon as she is well enough, she plans to buy a new Pontiac Bonneville and drive it into a tree.

GM officials are not surprised the airbag contest has been so well received. "In the past, nobody really liked car wrecks, and that's understandable. After all, they're scary and dangerous and, sometimes, even fatal," GM CEO Paul Offerman said. "But now, when you drive a new GM car or truck, your next serious crash could mean serious cash. Who wouldn't like that?"

Offerman added that in the event a motorist wins a prize but is killed, that prize will be awarded to the next of kin.

According to GM's official contest rules, odds of winning the grand prize, a brand-new 1997 Cutlass Supreme, are 1 in 43,000,000. Statistical experts, however, say the real chances of winning are significantly worse. "If you factor in the odds of getting in a serious car accident in the first place-approximately 1 in 720,000--the actual odds of winning a prize each time you step in your car are more like 1 in 31 trillion."

Further, even if one is in an accident, there is no guarantee the airbag will inflate. "I was recently broadsided by a drunk driver in my new Chevy Cavalier," said Erie, PA, resident Jerry Polaner. "My car was totaled, and because it was the side of my car that got hit, my airbag didn't even inflate. But what really gets me is the fact that the drunk driver, who rammed my side with the front of his 1997 Buick Regal, won a $100 Office Depot gift certificate. That's just wrong."

Never give up because life gets harder as you get older. After preschool the road of life keeps getting bumpier and bumpier and bumpier.
--Angela Martin, age 11

Never blow in a cat's ear because if you do, usually after three or four times, they will bite your lips! And they don't let go for at least a minute.
--Lisa Coburn, age 9

Don't think life is easy, because when you get older it is hard work. I used to think life was easy, now I have to do the dishes every other day.
--Nick Coleman, age 9

A realist is more correct about things in life than an optimist. But the optimist seems to have more friends and much more fun.
--Megan, age 14

The maid had just been fired.

Taking five bucks from her purse, she threw it to Fido, the family dog. When asked why by her former employer, she answered, "I never forget a friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!"

• If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
• If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
• If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?
• How did a fool and his money GET together?
• If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan?
• How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
• If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
• What's another word for thesaurus?
• Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
• What do they use to ship styrofoam?
• Why is abbreviation such a long word?
• Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
• Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
• How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
• When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
• Does fuzzy logic tickle?
• Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
• Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?
• Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
• Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
• What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon.
Demon: Why so glum, chum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it.
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our friggin' lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay... you're already dead.
Guy: Golly!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow poker table.
Guy: Gosh, I never played pai gow before...
Demon: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?
Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's okay...you're already dead.
Guy: Neat! I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: Uh, no.
Demon: Oooh, you're gonna hate Fridays.

• The parachute company says you'll get a full refund.
• They say the house didn't float very far at all.
• We're all amazed that you go on living each day.
• Well, at least the operation was a partial success.
• The "National Enquirer" just loved those nude shots of you.
• The insects hardly touched your other eyebrow.
• With the lights dimmed, it looks almost normal.
• The District Attorney says he only has a few more questions.
• At least the passenger side air bag inflated.
• Jenny Jones wants you for this "secret admirer show".
• The reward for your capture has reached fifty thousand dollars.
• At least we never thought you were guilty like that Jury did.
• The insurance pays the full book value ($ 312) for your 1956 T Bird.
• The thieves left the push lawn mower and hedge trimmers.
• Those Grand Juries always over-react. Don't worry about it.
• Lots of guys face multiple paternity suits.
• The boss said while you're sick, he'd do all your work personally.
• MicroSoft's Tech Support said those errors just aren't possible.

The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays, exams, and classroom discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders. They illustrate Mark Twain's contention that the "most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop."

You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so nevermind.

Talc is found on rocks and on babies.

The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.

When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.

Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.

Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.

South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.

Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.

Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.

A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.

There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up here these days.

Lime is a green-tasting rock.

Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.

Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.

Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.

Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.

Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.

In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.

Clouds are high flying fogs.

I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.

Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.

A blizzard is when it snows sideways.

A monsoon is a French gentleman.

Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.

The wind is like the air, only pushier.

A member of congress said to his son, "In the first place, my son, honesty is the best policy. However, if you study the law carefully, you'll be astonished at some of the things that are considered honest.

A child came home from Sunday school and told his mother that he had learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear named "Gladly". It took his mother awhile before she realized that the hymn was really "Gladly, The Cross I'd Bear."

A little boy prayed and prayed to God for a bike. But, then, he realized that God doesn't work that way. So, he stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

A kid got separated from his parents at the beach and asked a lifeguard to help find them. He said, "I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide."

Jesus, Joseph, and Mary were doing chores around their home in Nazareth when suddenly, Jesus ran outside to Joseph, and asked, "Did you call me?"

"No, I'm sorry," Joseph replied, "I just hit my thumb with the hammer, again."

"Gimme a double whiskey!" the little 12 year old boy yelled to the barmaid as he entered the saloon.

"Do you want to get me in trouble?!!" she asked.

The lad replied, "Maybe later, but right now -- I just want a drink."

One night a father was helping his son with his homework. The father asked "What is the Gross National Product?".

The little boy pondered for a minute and replied "Spinach!?".

Pre-teen Son: "Dad, you should have been at the game today. We literally tore their heads off."

Father: "Son, do you know what the word 'literally' means?"

Son: "No."

Father: "Good!"

The moment a man entered his office his boss asked

"Do you believe in re-birth?"

The man answers, "Yes"

The boss says "Then its okay because your grandfather had come here after you left for his funeral"

A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few?" he asks.
"No, not at all," the woman replied.
They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl. "I'm totally sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really just meant to eat a few," stated the preacher.
"Oh that's all right," replied the woman. "Ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."