The Retropoet

From: 
           Bill Swenson 
                                                              10/21/1998 16:00

 Subject:
           Vocabulary update




Here is a chance to increase your vocabulary:

The Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asked readers to take any word
from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one
letter, and supply a new definition.

Foreploy: any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
obtaining sex.

Doltergeist: a spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as your
septic tank.

Giraffiti: vandalism spray-painted very, very high, such as the famous
"Surrender Dorothy" on the Beltway overpass.

Sarchasm: the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient,
who doesn't get it.

Coiterie: a very VERY close-knit group.

Impotience: eager anticipation by men awaiting their Viagra prescription.

Reintarnation: coming back to life as a hillbilly.

DIOS: the one true operating system.

Inoculatte: to take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: terminal coolness.

Writer's tramp: a woman who practices poetic licentiousness.

Taterfamilias: the head of the Potato Head family.

Osteopornosis: a degenerate disease.

Adulatery: cheating on your wife with a much younger woman who holds you in awe.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad
vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious
bummer.

Eunough: the pain of castration.

Hindkerchief: really expensive toilet paper; toilet paper at Buckingham
palace.

Deifenestration: to throw all talk of God out the window.

Acme: a generic skin disease (alt: the best skin disease).

Dopeler effect: the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come
at you rapidly.

From: 
           Bill Swenson 
                                                              10/27/1998 12:29

 Subject:
           Important information




If Men Really Ruled The World (from November 1998 issue of Maxim magazine)

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call
to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd
appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Breaking up would be a lot easier.  A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle,
you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of
your choice.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable
excuse for tardiness.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your
window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car
like Fred Flintstone.

It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned
helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public
ugliness" ordinance.

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Garbage would take itself out.

Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be
with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!" 

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in
leap years.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go
drinking.  Mother's Day, too.  St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain
exactly the same.  But it would be celebrated every month.

Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing
cops. Or to the crooks.

Two words:  Ally McNaked.

Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the
Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned
it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.


Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."

The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.

Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with
would actually reduce your fine. As in: 
     Cop:  "You know how fast you were going?" 
     You:  "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
     Cop:  "Nice one.  That's $10 off."

From: 
           Bill Swenson 
                                                            10/30/1998 15:30

 Subject:
           Stages of ....




5 Stages of drunkenness

Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject
in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your
knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And
of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an
interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING This is when you realize that you are the BEST
LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to
a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you.
Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about
any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the
world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored
truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this
stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all
your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST
LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and
everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This
is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the
partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or
money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are
RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness.  At this point
you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to
impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room
cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you.
You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no
one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.  

Old letters

Retropoet Central Station

Land of the Link Lizards

Sign Guestbook of Retropoet

Background Credits