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I'm getting worse instead of better about writing here. I'm getting worse about doing anything that requires any ambition at all. I'm not depressed or anything (and I been there) I'm just plain not motivated.
I seem just to be really content to just sit here and watch the grass grow. And it does. It must be really frustrating for the grass. Grow an inch, get chopped off. Grow an inch, get chopped off. What a life. Hmmm. In the case of the grass, I'm doing the chopping. Who's chopping me off? I've been doing way too much thinking. I seem to be waiting for something, waiting for something to happen, waiting to discover that I'll die really soon, waiting to find out that I'll live forever. I certainly don't have any regrets about the way I got here, I just don't want to be here, old and waiting to die. And I know that I don't have to have that kind of an attitude, and I didn't really know that I did until I started writing just now. I guess that's why I write here, and why it's been so long since I have. If I don't ask myself these questions, I don't have to answer them. I have been getting plenty of exercise lately, doing maintenence on the house and yard. Puttering. Painting, staining, mowing, edging, digging. Replacing rotted decking on my dock... that stuff will go to hell in a week, sometimes. We've been having beautiful weather punctuated with rainy days. The comet is beautiful out here, I understand that city people can't hardly see it. One morning before sunrise, the lake was clear and still as glass and the comet was reflected perfectly on it. That was fifteen minutes of beauty that I would have missed if I wasn't an early riser. Then, to top that off, there was a beautiful sunrise and a beautiful day. I start off every day with a subconscious evaluation of my body. Maybe I always have and just didn't notice it. Naturally, since that's what the subconscious is all about... but anyway, now I notice it but I try not to. When I wake up, I open both eyes to make sure that they're working. Check my depth perception. Sit up, checking my back. Swing my legs over the edge of the bed, checking my arms and knees. Stand up, checking my hips and balance. Watching for the slightest change from yesterday. Walk to the bathroom, pee. Wash hands and face. Make coffee. Get the first cup, take it to the table by the window and look out over the lake. Drink the first cup and my mind processes what I have learned about myself so far... I feel great! So I can now start another day. |