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I said that I would talk about myself, so here goes. Actually, this is kind of fun, even though nobody will ever read it. Maybe my pshrink isn't such an asshole, anyway? No, he's an asshole OK, he's just right sometimes. Anyway, I'm a caucasian male, six foot, balding & gray. I smoked three packs of winstons a day from the time I got out of the army in 1971. And I still do, my docs don't want me to but they say I probably won't die any sooner because of them. I went to collenge when I got out and got married and had a daughter. I started selling real estate after I graduated and had a job at a gas station for two years. I started my first company when my daughter was six. I made my first million $ by the time she was ten. When she was twentythree, I gave her the biggest wedding that Okie town had ever seen. She was divorced at twentyfive with two kids. My thenwife thought that was a good idea and divorced me for the lawyer shed been running around wiht for ten years after his wife disappeared. Under very fishy circumstances. She'd been running around with a judge, it was common knowledge. I was born an Okie and I'll die an Okie. Not much to be proud of, but I am anyway. My dad was an alcoholic, but he took good care of us while he was alive. There were three of us, two boys and a girl. My mother was a sweet woman but toatally ineffective. She was an alcoholic too, but not bad until after dad died in an accident. Yes, he was drunk but nobody else got hurt, he only killed himself. My brother wnet to Nam when he was 18, I got gung ho and joined when I was seventeen, my mom signed the papaers OK and away I went. My sister was the oldest, she left when she was 17 and nobody ever heard from her since. My brother got killed on the day I got out of boot camp in Leonard Wood. I got some extra time for the funeral. He got killed in a helicopter accident, nobody was even shooting at them. I got shot at some, but I'm not going to write about that. It was only mildly interesting at the time, and not at all now. What I'm supposed to be writing about is how I feel. I'm really pretty fucking pissed. I've had a really shitty life and I can't really blame anyone but me for it. Well, I can but it doesn't work. Icould blame the tobacco companies, but I'm the one that smokes, they only make a living selling them. I could blame my wife, but I'm the one that married her. I could blame my daughter, but I'm the one that had the responsibility of raising her and I spoiled her rotten, like I did my xwife. I could blame my mom and dad but they did the best they could. And so did I, goddamn it! I could blame God, but I don't believe in that anymore either, if I ever really did. So, I've got a few months left. They could be the worst months of my life if I let them. I can wallow in selfpity as well as anybody. But I'm going to try to enjoy them as much as I can. I have no hope. Early on, I hoped that I could be cured, be that one in 100 that actually survives lung cancer. I'm not nearly that lucky though. My luck ran out when my brother gave me my first cigarette when I was 9. So, I hope that I can be happy and maybe live 6 months being happy. It will be the first time in my life if I can do it. That's my goal, that's my hope. |