|
Since my last entry, I've been enjoying the internet a lot. I want to find out how to do music like some of the sites are doing. Of course, I want to play dirges. Sometimes I would want to play something else, but mostly classical dirges. I'll have to find out which ones I like. The fishing trip I wrote about last time was fantastic. My friend and I caught about 100 crappie keepers, some up to 2 pounds. My housekeeper loves crappie, and I give her half of what she cleans. My friend just likes the sport, so my freezer is full. There is nothing like breaded and fried crappie. And hush puppies, and okra. I always like the way that word sounds, OKRA. All fried in the most unhealthy of greases, like who gives a shit, anyway? Good days, like that day, are still quite painful and tiring. The excitement of catching fish over-rides the pain, though, and it does me good just talking to this particular friend. He doesn't treat me any different than he ever has. Shitty. He laughs at me when I miss a fish and he brags all of the time about how he catches more and bigger fish than I do. He never does, though. He always asks how I'm doing, and listens real good when I tell him, but that's it. He knows that I'm dying, but he says he's dying too, just probably not so soon, but you never can tell. He's 80 lbs overweight and drinks like a fish, but you'd never know it. The drinking, I mean. You can tell that he's fat from a hundred yards away. Always acts perfectly sober, and never drives when he's been drinking. He walks a lot. I'm still not getting down to why I'm doing this, and it is getting frustrating. Some days I'm really pissed about having to die and other days it seems OK, even natural. It's living, in my case, that's unnatural. Without money and modern medicine, I would be dead 6 months. So everything is extras. A lot of the payment for those extras come in the form of pain, though. Codeine is getting where it doesn't faze me unless I smoke along with it, then I get an incredible buzz that overrides the pain forever or for a split second, I can't tell which. When I take the codeine and don't smoke, I just get wired and the pain makes me uncomfortable in my skin, like something is wrong but I don't know what it is and the pain is still there but it is like in the background waiting and pretty soon the drug wears off and there it is in the front again. I never could drink booze, but I might start. I've heard that codeine and alcohol is a terrific buzz, too. The times that I tried to drink were disasters in college, and I never tried it again. Why do something that makes you sick and stupid? I'd just rather get stupid with dope, you get no hangover and you mostly remember waht happened. Xmas is just around the corner, I want it to be over. I'm really antireligious now, and more so the more I think about it. Buncha fucking hippocrates. Presents are stupid too. Giving and getting both. My health seems to be steady now. The chemo is done, and I feel a lot better knowing I never have to do that again. And it seems to have worked, all that hurts is where my bones were damaged. That's like super-arthritis. That's what I use the codeine for, supposedly. Arthritis only hurts when you move not all of the time like this does. I'm just glad that it's my left arm that hurts and not my right one, I can limit it a lot. My docs say that it can come back any day. Or it may never come back, 1 in a hundred. Am I lucky? I'll know in a year, but it really takes five years before they can say that you're cancer-free. Some days I feel really lucky. Like today. |