I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to tolerate working with Tony. People that act like know-it-alls -- when in truth they know little -- ride on my very last nerve. Tony is definitely one of those people.

Now, you may be wondering why I haven't written Tony up to Cara. And until yesterday afternoon, I don't think I could have told you why, either. See, over the last several days, Tony has alluded to the fact that her bond with Cara is stronger than mine; it were as though she's playing this really immature game of "Mommy likes me best," wherein Cara is the mommy. Yesterday, Tony finally came right out and said it. Additionally, she has shared with me a number of instances in which she has lied to the other people in the room, just so she could get out of talking to them. Well, I put those two together, and imagining the worst -- which is my wont to do -- i envisage the two of them ganging up on me, Cara acting on whatever lies Tony might decide to tell her. In fact, it's all too easy to picture that happening even if I don't write Tony up.

I feel very backed into a corner. I guess my only recourse is to resign when Cara gets back. If I make it that long...

I think I'm going to discuss this with Therapy Dude when I see him this afternoon. Maybe he'll have some advice on how to deal with an insecure power-tripper. I don't know. I don't even know if you or he can understand why this is bothering me so much. I give the same weight to hosting the chat room as I would working a part-time job; the problems I have with Tony are just is valid and troublesome as the problems I might have with anyone I might work with in the "real" world.

Speaking of Therapy Dude, I need to talk to him about ugly financial things. Right now, I see him once a week, at $150 per visit. That's a minimum of $600 a month I'm spending on him alone. Now that I've been seeing him for a few months, and have written a few months' worth of bills, I've come to the harsh realisation that we really can't afford it. I'm hoping he'll let me drop back to seeing him just twice a month, or every other week, or however you want to say it. I just need to get that bill down! I'm not too optimistic, though; during my first visit, we discussed his fee, and he gave me the impression that he's rather fixed. Very "I'm worth the big bucks, and if you can't afford me, don't waste my time."

A few hours later...

I talked to Therapy Dude about Tony, came home and thought about it some more, and I think I'm ready face what it is that is really bothering me about the whole situation. See, I've been here before, and I didn't know what to do then, either. It's difficult for me to own my power, or take advantage of the power that is rightfully mine by virtue of seniority. There have been too many times in my past when I wasn't allowed my power; I suppose it's because of those times that I've lost my will fight for the respect and recognition that I deserve.

At The School, I had seven months seniority on Nina. By the time she got there, I was almost a third of the way through the program. I knew the rules; I knew the agenda; I knew the things that I had to do to get by. Yet, they gave Nina the dorm monitor position for which I'd been vying for months. Also, whenever I called Nina out on something she'd been doing, Nina would lie and manipulate, and everyone would believe her. I mean, of course they believed her; she was charming, and played her games very well.

So here I am again, playing second fiddle to some tertiary megalomaniac. I'm nearly shut down with fear at the thought of having to go through another "Nina." I don't want to see that place again; don't want to know that betrayal, abandonment, defenselessness. Standing in quicksand and knowing I'm going to drown... slowly.