In the early 90's Pete Matthews wrote a regular feature on Cult Cinema for a weekly called "The Source," where he was affectionately known as "The Trashman." From time to time we will post selections from past columns dealing with such timeless, and often tasteless, classics.
Today's Trash: BASKET CASE, THE BONEYARD, ALLIGATOR II: THE MUTATION, BASKET CASE 3: THE PROGENY, MONKEYBOY, and SPIDER BABY!
BASKET CASE (1982)
Critic: Pete Matthews
For a recent so-bad-it's-good movie let me recommend 1982's BASKET CASE. It's got it all : Bad acting, bad script, and not so special effects. Budgets don't get any lower than this.
The main character, Duane, has a freakish Siamese-twin, Belial, who is nothing more than a head, two claws and sharp teeth. Belial is surgically removed against he and his brother's wishes. The two kill their dad who forced the surgery and then move to the Big Apple. Duane carries Belial all around New York City in a wicker basket (he ain't heavy, he's my brother), where they track down and kill the doctors that separated them.
Belial's feeding times are hilarious. Duane dumps hamburgers into the basket, then we hear ravenous devouring noises as the basket shakes up and down and buns fly from it. The stop-motion animation of Belial's tantrum over Duane finding true love looks as though it were taken from a bad Gumby episode. After the tantrum, Belial crawls to Duane's girl's house, then between her legs and perform's oral sex on her as she sleeps. You make your own "little head" joke here.
Don't bother with BASKET CASE II. Director Frank Henonlotter polished his craft by then and what he gains in slickness, he loses in sickness. The grainy film, lack of budget and unintentional humor are what gives Basket Case its charm. (3 cans)
TOP OF PAGE BACK HOME Craig's Video Review Du Jour THE BONEYARD (1990)
Critic: Pete Matthews
There's a killer poodle-monster on the tape cover, it's called THE BONEYARD, and as expected, it's a real dog. Supposedly this is a horror movie, but the only thing frightening I saw was Phyllis Diller's face. Yes, Phyllis Diller. Not to mention Norman Fell - former ratpacker and Mr. Roper from Three's Company.
The story is as follows: A cop enlists the aid of a psychic to help him identify the body of three dead kids. They go to a morgue run by Fell and Diller. When the psychic touches a lock of hair from one of the cadavers, she's hit with a vision that shows her they're not really children and they're not really dead. What are they? Ancient Chinese demons. They hop off the slabs and start eating people.
Does it turn out all right? I can't tell you. I fell asleep long before the end. The hour I viewed was unsuspenseful and surprisingly humorless. By time the giant poodle-monster shows up, you'll be too bored to care. Don't be a bonehead - don't rent The Boneyard. (1/2 can)
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ALLIGATOR II: THE MUTATION (1991)
Critic: Pete Matthews
Bites.
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BASKET CASE 3: THE PROGENY (1991)
Critic: Pete Matthews
Duane and his once removed Siamese twin Belial are back in BASKET CASE 3: THE PROGENY. The story picks up where 2 left off with the boys living with Granny Ruth, a nice old lady who takes in and cares for unwanted mutants. The house is full of rejects from the Star Wars bar scene, and among them, Belial finds true love.
Eve looks like a female Belial, just a head with arms growing out the sides. Somewhere in their heads must lie reproductive organs as Eve is soon pregnant. Granny loads the entire household of rubber masked muppet monsters onto a school bus and heads for Georgia where a Doctor-friend will deliver the baby.
Belial, being a sensitive 90's type monster stays in the delivery room to watch Eve give birth. Unfortunately he has a flashback of the doctors that ripped him from Duane's side and then tears the doctor's face off. For his faux pas he is locked in his basket. But a nice monster tapes the delivery for him.
Eve gives birth to a seemingly endless stream of little Belials, connected to one umbilical chord and looking like a string of Christmas lights. The babies are soon kidnapped by cops who want to collect some reward money. In the best scene of the movie, Belial goes to rescue his young-uns. It's fast and funny, full of faces being chewed off and baby-Belials getting squooshed. Too bad the rest of the movie can't keep up this frantic, funny pace.
I have the same criticism of BC 3 that I had of BC 2 -- just too slick and director Henonlotter tries to hard to be funny. He's going for an all-out comedy when what made the original Basketcase a trash-classic was the unintentional humor through cheap effects and bad acting. I'm sure some will find this entry amusing, with its tongue in cheek bits like Granny singing "Personality" to a busload of mutated freaks and the mutants appearing on "Heraldo" in a segment called "Freaks and the women who love them." Frankly - those daytime talk shows are much scarier in real life. If you liked BC 2, you'll enjoy this one. Me, I like my trash a little stinkier. (2 cans)
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MONKEYBOY (1990)
Critic: Pete Matthews
Don't touch that tape! That tape being MONKEYBOY. What a yawner. Absolutely nothing happens in this film. There's no action - just talking heads. Even in the opening scene where Chad the Monkeyboy, a product of genetic engineering gone awry, murders the entire lab crew, all we see are close ups of people screaming and then later a pile of bodies. After that it's painfully slow and tedious. The should have called this one Monkeybore. You don't even see Monkeyboy for the first hour, and when you do, he's playing cards with some kids. Oooooh scar-ree! Waiting on line at the DMV is more fun than this movie. I've seen more interesting film scraped off my teeth.
The movie did pick up the pace in the second half. That's because I watched it in fast forward until it's brain deadening end.
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SPIDER BABY (1964)
Critic: Pete Matthews
You'll want to stay away from MONKEYBOY but not so SPIDER BABY.
Filmed in 1964 by Jack Hill (one of Roger Corman's posse and director of those great Pam Grier women in prison films), this horror/comedy is one of the "maddest stories ever told." Lon Chaney Jr. in one of his last but best roles, starts the movie off by singing a song about Dracula and the Wolfman and the Mummy which has nothing to do with the film. He stars as Bruno, the guardian of the Merrye children; two adorable teen-age girls and their imbecilic cat-eating older brother played by Sid Haig.
This branch of the Merryes has a slight problem. Due to many generations of in-breeding, the clan members start regressing after a certain age, going back through childhood and finally to a pre-evolved human state with cannibalistic tastes. Aunt Martha and Uncle Ned live in the basement waiting for guests to drop in and be lunch. Dear ol' dead dad lies decomposing in bed. The girls are mentally about age eight, with Elizabeth being a goody-two-shoes and Virginia being the naughty one.
Virginia likes to play "spider," a fun little game where she uses her seductive charms to tie men up in her "web" and then give them the black widow treatment with a pair of huge knives. Liz will show up saying, "Ummmm.... you're bad... I'm telling..." and the little tattle tale will then rat her out to Bruno.
Chaney, usually a stiff on the screen, is brilliant as the stress-filled Bruno. Raising these kids is quite a handful and he plays it with a great sense of desperation. Things get too much for poor Bruno when a group of un-inbred Merryes come to visit. He's got to keep them from being killed by the girls or eaten by Uncle Ned, keep them from finding out the family's secrets, and keep them from eating the bugs Virginia is always trying to feed them. It makes a visit to the Addams Family look like lunch with the Brady Bunch.
This is a truly bizarre and unique film, and thanks to video is starting to earn well deserved cult status. (4 cans)
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