The Wedding Report

My Soap-Operatic Life

"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution."- Mae West

The big surprising thing about the wedding? The groom actually seemed happy about it! I was very amazed . . . as my mother put it, "The counseling must have finally paid off." If I didn't know better, I woulda sworn he'd had a personality transplant. Although I was getting a huge laugh when the minister was talking about how their love had been tested by time and some other BS that made me think, "Geez, have you even met them?" And no, there was no section about "any just cause" at all. Hmmm. Amanda was getting a big kick out of things, from what I hear- she was mouthing the vows along with them. Went off without a hitch. And afterwards the family had to wait around for pictures- why was I supposed to be in them? I'm not sure. But it gave Ron a chance to ask me two or three times where my date was, and then offer to fix me up with the (5-year-old) ring bearer. Gee, thanks. Which reminds me of the second thing I learned about going to weddings- once you're "adult", you apparently MUST bring a date. Because man, did I hear it out of everyone because I didn't. For crying out loud, who did they think I'd invite? Can't drag any guys from Davis (and they wouldn't want to go anyway- the only guy I ever met who liked weddings was The Moron, can't ask HIM), no one's left in Livermore. Sheesh!
On another topic, I had brought along this shawl and was wearing it as I left the church, where I ran into Amanda. Her eyes bugged out and she said, "What are you wearing????" I felt kinda pissed and said back, "Something weird- what are you wearing?"- which pissed her off. Hmmmm.

At the reception again, we got primo seating and a reserved table. Nice. Food wasn't too bad either. And I noticed that the video boy (this was reminding me too much of Picture Perfect) was eyeing me- but I figured that he was probably too young, and I really wasn't into trying to pick up on anyone at the moment. Besides, he was working, and I was vegging.

Then came the conversation. I was calmly sitting there, thinking about how this would probably be the last wedding I'd have to attend for 10-20 years (until, god forbid, any of my friends (probably Lisa and Elena) tie the noose), since Janelle pretty much hates the family, plays musical boyfriends, and lives in Reno (if she ever does tie the noose, she'll elope to an Elvis chapel and tell us two months later), and the only single ones left are Alicia (who'll have vet school), Kristen, and Cassie. So just as I'm smiling to myself, my Auntie Helen (who normally I love, but today was driving me nuts) leans over and starts going on about how "you're next!"

Me: "No, I'm not."
Helen: "Yes, you are."
Me: (getting more panicky) "No, I'm not!"
Mom: "She doesn't date much." (Gee, thanks)

Helen just kept going on about how "The right one will come along- you just wait- you're next!" If you've read the little Ally McBeal rant from a few weeks ago, you'll know my opinion on this theory. For crying out loud, what is this family going to do when I'm thirty-six and still single? Geez.

Have you noticed how when you're not married and attending a wedding, you just get it from everyone?

On to the dancing and eating- fortunately Ron was behaved enough to NOT smash the cake all over Laurie's extremely-made-up face- although if he'd done it to her she CERTAINLY would have done it to him (she pantomimed this behind his back). He did some of his usual sheneanigans on the dance floor- Tammy requested "U Can't Touch This" for him (he does a dance where he pretends to unzip his crotch- did that at her wedding) He bugged me some more (naturally), as did Uncle Bruce. The dancing was the best part of the day though.

More disturbing conversation: The family was eying (I forget her name) the wife of Ron's best friend Todd, and one of the guys said, "That's Todd's." I was all, "Excuse me? She's his property?" They're all, "Yeah." Then they went on about how they'd been married eight years and still no children. My God. Talk about the stone age here.

Besides learning more about cavemen attitudes, I also learned how a bride manages to go to the bathroom in that outfit. Very carefully, she had to take someone else in to hold it! (Note to self: If world ends and I do get married, NO TRAIN ON DRESS.)

And finally, came the getaway. Ron's car was tastefully decorated in balloons and birdseed. The steering wheel (courtesy of Todd and Les) was decorated in edible foam. Which royally pissed Ron off (you don't put NOTHIN' on that Porsche)- "I know where you live!" Then they drove off into the sunset, and the rest of us had to clean out the joint.

Links to other sites on the Web

Animation Station (car)
Lorraine's Animation Creations (rose)

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