"Whose Problem Is It Anyway? And Who Cares?� Oh,
I Do...." (c2000)
In my first several years of sobriety, I remained in one-on-one
therapy.� (Therapy� doesn't work for everyone, it did for me.....Therapy
got me to AA & sobriety...)� I'd been "running", hiding, and escaping
into bottles of oblivion now for 16 years.� I had a lot of "causes
& conditions", you know, "Stuff", with which to now face, feel, and
deal.� I had major cases of "terminal uniqueness and flaming insecurities"...
(I love that phrase, learned it at a women's meeting.)� I discovered
that I had childhood abuse issues, and meetings weren't necessarily the
place for me to deal with that.� My therapist is the one who sent
me to AA meetings, so that I would learn that I "wasn't bad".� Meetings
taught me that "I wasn't the only one",and here are some things that can be done about it.�At the top of the list was "don't drink, go to meetings, ask for help".�What a revelation to hear that you all had this "Stuff", too!� And
that there were things to be done about it!
I would get confused.� Of course, I did � I was "new"
to life in sobriety.� I was learning lots. "What do you mean, that's
not just an alcohol problem?", I would say to my therapist.� That
it's also a woman problem (or man problem, I happened to be a woman...)�
Or a life problem?� Bigger than just alcohol?� Well, she was
right...� Yet if I didn't take care of this "no matter whose level
of problem", for me it could become an alcohol problem.� Like lots
of others, I drank over just about any ole thing.� For me, my alcohol
problem IS a life problem!
Oh!� So the point here was/is that other people Also
have these problems!� I'm not terminally unique after all!I'm alcoholic,
my name is Lory, I'm part of the human community... I've just got a bit
more incentive to deal with boundaries, relationships, work, other drivers,
stress, life's challenges and� obstacles, etc., than non-alcoholics,
for example,� because if I don't I'm liable to think that it's something
that I have to drink over in order to cope!� And drinking now puts
my life at risk.... And I now like life whereas before sobriety I didn't
care much for this thing called living and how soon could we get to the
"I'm not here" oblivion anymore part and where's my glass of... That's enough, bring on the willingness!
Ah, now that's a nice "remember when"!
"No relationships in the first year of sobriety" was what
I was told.� No, I didn't listen.... I soon learned why it was said!�
At 3 months sober, I got a new relationship, a sponsor and a Higher Power,
in that order....� I learned a lot, and kept my sobriety. I also worked
really hard.� I had to!� I don't recommend it yet I do understand
it..... I've been able to pass on my experience to others!� And they pass theirs on to me! LOL!
Relationships..... Yuk, arrrrgh... "Burned" too many times.
Phooey!� Never again.� Oh! Yes!� How soon! Great stuff!�
Uh huh, yeah right, sure, let me at �em. Wait!� No!� Yes, but
I didn't mean Now!� What do you mean: watch for who I am attracted
to?� Uh oh, be careful what I ask for, I might just get it....
Relationships.... as obstacles?� As challenges? As
spiritual pathways?� As "hell on earth"?� As in; the greatest
show on earth...� As in: makes me feel crazy, makes me grow?�
As in: "mirror, mirror, on the wall"... whose stuff is this.... is it yours,
or is it mine?� Oh, it's BOTH of ours, in collision.... As in: "Watch
out for flying weird due to change!"� As in: " D) All of the above"????
Relationship challenges? They're much easier in sobriety
because both parties are "present". Paradoxically, they are much more difficult in sobriety because Both of Us Are HERE....
All kinds of relationships: bosses and co-workers, friends
and acquaintances, and of course, partners & mates & spouses....
The animate and inanimate.... Physical, emotional, mental, spiritual relationships....
Most importantly, the relationship with Oneself, and with one's Higher
Power, however that's understood.
People, places, & things.... cars, new events, choices,
decisions.... All are my challenges, custom-designed, I'm certain, for
creating opportunities for you and me to deal with ALL of the Old Unresolved
Emotional "Stuff" from our drinking days and our childhoods that each will
bring to the relationship!!!� Our differences that initially were
celebrated, our mutual attractions to each other... The ones that now become
hair-pulling time, yelling time,listening time, concession time, pain time, growth & changing time, cooperation time..... Ok, maybe even parsley sage rosemary and thyme, for all of us Simon & Garfunkle fans.... At least it's No Longer Miller Time!!!�Phew!!!
Relationship Challenges!� I am grateful for sobriety
and willingness, for the benefits of hard work & learning & healing,
for a Higher Power greater than "Me"....
Sobriety makes me want to no longer live in toxic dysfunction,
no matter how familiar.� Provides me with some new, healthy reference
points so that I know who is safe to be around, and how close to let others
get, and� who to stay away from...and it's no longer about blame.
Sobriety allows me to learn how to be attracted to who
people ARE, not who they Might Be or who I'd Like Them To Be....�
Lets me learn to go slowly, and to pay attention, to hopefully learn from
my mistakes....even the ones I make now.� To make� amends....
To see what's real, & decide to stay or leave....
The old conflict, controlling, chaos, insanity, enmeshment,
stoic silence, confusion, magical thinking, fear, mind-reading and mostly
guessing wrong, rage, blame.... I deal with these as they crop up in my
sober life,� so that I can continue to stay sober. I needed an alcohol
buffer to live with those qualities.� To stay sober, I need to learn
how to replace them with love, tolerance, patience, being happy instead
of being right, healthy boundaries, etc.� I want my sober life.
To do this, I don't drink, I go to meetings (of whatever
kind I need), I ask for help.... I find a higher power, I borrow yours
until I can find one of my own.... I "let go & let God" as best as I know how at any given time.... I find a guide, a mentor, a sponsor... someone who's been doing what I'm trying to do: living sober.� I read the books, and learn "how it works".... I do this "one day at a time", just for today".... I
"live and let live".... I "let it begin with me"...
Some days I just breathe, putting one foot in front of
the other, stay sober that day, call it good enough, call it better than
being drunk..... Some days I make great strides forward in my sober living,
with myself, with my higher power, with others.... Some days I'm somewhere
in between.... Sometimes I need to start over...
Relationship challenges in sobriety.... I might not always
like the process, yet I do like the results as I change my old drinking
behavior & beliefs for the new sober ones, and as I change my old drinking ways of relating for new sober ones....
I still get to deal with fear, doubt, anger, trust, control,
etc., yet I also get to experience self-esteem, joy, intimacy, and sharing.�
Stretching my comfort zone, charting unknown territory, going on new adventures, taking new risks.... meeting new people.� I am an explorer in my own life.� Scary & Exciting!
An unseeable Higher Power of my own understanding, and
the company & support of people who "have been there" and are going
the same way.... if I want them and am willing to ask for help..... these are my guides.� I traded in my addiction(s) for truths, support, consistency, inner & outer safety,� sanity, consideration, validation, nurturing, cooperation, choice...� This is what I can have.... A pretty good trade, I feel!
Progress, not perfection....� Practice makes proficient....
These new freedoms & rewards are worth all my fears of the unknown,
and all my need for pain buffers.� I much prefer to hold up my head
as I walk, and see the sky, the buildings, the trees, and people's faces.....
instead of what I used to see: the linoleum floor, the asphalt or dirt
roads, the cement
I've found it to be true: that my worst day sober IS better
than my best day drinking.... I've got "The Promises" (on page 83-84 of
the Big Book) in my life.� And I've got company that I like: me, myself,
HP, and you!
Let go, Let God
This is what I sound like
Quote #1:
Quote #2:
This is what I sound like
Quote #3:
This is where I think I'll live:
Quote # 4:
Over the years, I have found myself writing what I call
"God-shot" letters � stuff that seems to need to be communicated ��
without blame, without hidden agendas, without emotional "crap" attached
to the message.... and stuff that I usually do not want to write or say,
yet am in a position to write & say.... and, more often than not, do
not get to know the outcome.... I am a somewhat reluctant channel....�
Usually it's about Something I Need To Learn To Recognize in other people
so that I don't have to encounter it again... and again... and again.....
Whatever the recipients get out of them is up to them and their Higher
Power.......I get a second opinion from a trusted person before I ever
send them.
Then there's what I call "God-shot" stuff, like the Spike
stories, and the articles I write, where I am the willing channel --�
it keeps me a sober recovering alcoholic and an emotionally sober adult
child of an alcoholic, and gives my life purpose when I most need it....
The Promises (page 83-84 of the Big Book, in between Steps
9 and 10) say that "If we are painstaking about this phase of our development,
we will be amazed before we are half way through.� We are going to
know a new freedom and a new happiness....� Self-seeking will slip
away.... We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to
baffle us.� We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what
we could not do for ourselves....
I'm sure I don't write these letters and stories entirely
by myself.� I feel that I have some kind of Universal help and inspiration.....and maybe that's what talent and discipline and intuition really are.� Being able to listen & hear & see, and, in my case, write it...� draw it... paint it.... My co-creations with God.
I've only written them sober.� (I've also learned
to paint and draw in sobriety.)� What I had prior to sobriety was
messages/beliefs that "I couldn't do it so don't bother", "I didn't know
sh*t so just shut up", "What I thought & believed & saw didn't
matter", (there were many others such messages/beliefs, and I continued
doing them long after others stopped...), and "Oh, why not, let's have
another dive into the bottle.... there's got to be some kind of answer in there somewhere... Escape into Oblivion would be nice."
These writings and drawings all seem to have to do with
some form of "breaking the cycle", of letting go of my patterns of old
destructive, addictive behaviors and replacing them with new healthy sober
patterns.� Of me learning to speak my truth out loud, which definitely
breaks the "don't talk, don't trust, don't feel" rule that I grew up with.�
Gets me to deal with "stuff" instead of avoiding it through a bottle of
booze.� Keeps me sober, what else do I need to know about them...
Relationship Challenges in Sobriety: Oh Yeah!!! Get Me
a Higher Power, QUICK!!!! (c1999, c2000)
sidewalk.... and the bottles, the bottles, the bottles....
"Let Go, Let God in Quotes" (c2000)
Get out of the way
Listen to the universe
around me
What does it say?
when I'm in God-centered sobriety:
"Don't worry.
When God invites us
to play
in the ocean of Joy
swimming lessons are included."
By Mary Eberdt
"I let go.
I let flow.
I let grow.
I let glow."
By Mary Eberdt
when left to my ungrounded Self:
"Where am I? Who am I?
How did I come to be here?
What is this thing called the world?
How did I come into the world?
Why was I not consulted?
And if I am compelled to take part in it,
Where is the director?
I want to see him."
By Soren Kierkegaard
"Don't drink,
go to meetings,
ask for help....
And let go, let God".....
By AA meetings' folks
"Cycle-Breaker God-shots....I Don't Know What Else to
Call Them" (c2000)
