A doctor is doing routine breast examinations at a college.
The first girl comes in, takes off her blouse, and as she
does, the doctor notices that the girl has a red "H"
imprinted in her stomach. After the examination, the doctor
asks the girl how the H came about.
"Well," she says, "my boyfriend is from Harvard, and he's
so proud of the school that he never takes off his
Harvard jumper, even when we make love."
'Fair enough' thinks the doctor as the girl leaves.
But the doctor is surprised when the next girl takes
off her blouse and has the same thing, except hers is a
red "Y". Again the doctor asks how it came about.
"Well," she says, "my boyfriend is from Yale,and he's
so proud of the school that he never takes off his
Yale jumper, even when we make love."
The doctor is fascinated by this. The next girl enters,
takes off her blouse and the doctor sees that on her
stomach is a red M.
"Ah, " says the doctor, "A boyfriend in Michigan?"
"No," replies the girl, "A girlfriend in Wisconsin.
why do you ask?"
A guy's screwing this girl and she says,
"Excuse me, but isn't it a presumptuous to assume you
can screw me on our first date?
"Well, yeah" the man replies, "But isn't PRESUMPTUOUS
a big word for a first-grader to be using?"
A little boy was taking a shower with his mother
and he looks between her legs and asks,
"Mommy, what's that?"
"Well honey", she replied, "that's where God touched
me with a Golden Axe."
The little boy then said, "OUCH!!! Smacked right in
the cunt with a Golden Axe! Didn't that hurt?"
Three pieces of string are standing outside a bar.
There is a sign that says "No strings served."
The first string says, "Well, I'll get served, watch."
So he walks into the bar. He saunters up to the bar
and says,"I'll have a beer please."
The bartender says,"We don't serve strings here. Get out!"
So the second string says, "Well, I'll get served watch."
So he walks into the bar. He strolls up to the bar
and says, "I'll have a beer please." The bartender says,
"We don't serve strings here. Get out!"
Finally the thrid string says, "I'll get served."
He messes up his hair, twists himself around
and goes into the bar.
He strolls up to the bar and says,
"I'll have a beer, please." The bartender says,
"Say, aren't you a string?" He replies,
"Nope. I'm a frayed knot."
If a man speaks in the forest, and there is
no woman around to hear him..... Is he still wrong?
As an airplane is about to crash, a female
passenger jumps up frantically and announces,
"If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone
on this plane who is man enough to make me
feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says,
"Here, iron this".
An obviously upset woman visits her pastor.
She pleads, "Father, Father, my children just will
not stop cursing. I've done everything I know to
stop them. You're my last hope, what can I do?"
The Father said "Well, have you considered smacking
the boys?"
The mother, wide-eyed, replied, "Oh no Father, I thought
the Church would frown upon that!"
The Father responded, "In severe cases, we do allow it.
The next time your sons curse, why don't you try it?"
The mother said "O.K. Father, If the Lord permits it."
The next morning little Johnny and little Jimmy come
down to breakfast and the mother asks, "Little Johnny,
what would you like for breakfast this morning?"
Little Johnny says, "I don't know. Give me
some fucking waffles." Well with that, the mother
smacked little Johnny across the face and he slid
down the wall to the floor. Little Jimmy, the
younger of the boys, watched in horror.
The mother turned and asked ,"Little Jimmy, what
would you like for breakfast this morning?"
Little Jimmy looks at his brother on the floor,
looks back at his mother, and replies, "I don't know
but you can bet your sweet ass I don't want
no fucking waffles."
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for
a beer and a mop.
A woman walks into a tattoo parlor and
asks for a Thanksgiving turkey to be placed on her
upper right thigh. The man giving her the tattoo
thinks it's a little strange, but doesn't think much
of it. After all, he has done stranger before.
After it is done, she pays him and walks out the door.
Two weeks later she comes back in the parlor and asks
for a tattoo of a Christmas tree to be placed on her
upper left thigh. The guy thinks this is very weird
and asks "Why do you want these tattoo's?" She replies
"It's a very simple answer- my husband is always
complaining about having nothing to eat between
Thanksgiving and Christmas...now he does."
Two homosexuals were talking, and one
had a pained look on his face.
"What's the matter, Brucie?" asked the
other homosexual.
"Oh, I have something stuck up my ass, Markie. Could
you check it out for me?"
"OK -- bend over."
So Brucie bends over and Markie sticks his hand
up his ass.
"It's deeper, Markie!", says Brucie, so Markie
sticks his hand in deeper. "It's -deeper-, Markie!",
so Markie sticks his hand in deeper. "I feel it!" says
Markie, "What is that?"
"It's *deeper*, Markie!", says Brucie, so Markie puts
his hand in deeper, still. "Ew!", says Markie, "It's
wrapped around my wrist! What -is- that?!" He pulls his
hand out and looks at it. "It's a Rolex watch!", he says,
"What are you doing with a Rolex watch up your ass?"
"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you......"
How are women and tornados alike?
They both moan like hell when they come, and take the
house when they leave.
A woman was becoming greatly distressed. Her
husband had lost all intrest in sex and all the various
doctors and specialists they had seen could give no reason.
In desperation she wrote to Santa Claus asking for help.
He responded by giving her special sex pills. He told her
that if she put one pill in her husbands dinner then
they'd have a night of fantastic sex. He also warned
her never to use more than one. The woman was skeptacle
but decided to give it a try and, by god, it worked!
The woman was so thrilled she used one pill a day for
an entire month. One day she thought "Well all this sex
has been great, but what would happen if I gave him
all the pills at once..." So, completely forgetting
Santa's warning she slipped all the remaining pills
in her husband's dinner.
Several months later Santa decided to check up on the
woman and see how his gift had helped her. A young boy
answered the phone and Santa asked him how his mother
was enjoying the gift. The little boy said "So you're the
one who sent the pills... well, Mommy's dead, sister's
pregnant, my ass hurts, and Daddy's up in the attic going
`here kitty kitty"
