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                 IT'S ALL ABOUT R2-D2

                                                        Armando Valle

     After the Battle of Endor, Artoo continued to prove invaluable to the New Republic.

          Star Wars: Episode 1 site

    

     Allow me to let you in on a secret: It's all about R2-D2. What? You don't get that? Want me to repeat it. And why is it so? You might have seen the Star Wars movies dozens of times, but you still haven't got it yet: It's all about R2.

     He(R2) monitors and diagnoses flight performance, maps and stores hyperspace data, and pinpoints technical errors or faulty computer coding. He is also well-versed in starship repair for hundreds of styles of spacecraft, and is able to exist in the vacuum of space indefinitely.

     Could Luke Skywalker survive in the vast coldness of space? Darth Vader? Nah, didn't think so. The Force won't keep yer ass from freezing and asphixiating.

     R2--the droid god. The almighty robo-deity. The beeping, spurting, squawking rolling canister of glory and spirituality. There is a new religion: R2-D2-ism. Churches shall be erected on his honor. A bible shall be written (in its language of course--we all would have to learn it). And converts and monks will follow its teachings everywhere.

     You see: The Star Wars movies aren't about The Force, Luke Skywalker, or Darth Vader. They aren't even about Yoda. It's all about R2-D2. Take a look at the movies again and see all these facts that you have been overlooking (in your prejudice for humans over droids): In the original Star Wars, it's R2 who's entrusted By Leiah to carry the important message to Obi-Wan Kenobi. Once stranded on the Tatooine desert, it's R2 who heads out valiantly on his own, disregarding that wanker C3PO's fears about the desert people and the Jawas. Once sold to Luke Skywalker's family, R2 refuses to play the message for Luke, faithfully insisting in being taken to Obi-Wan. Such stoic integrity. Anyone else would have spilled the beans right there and then. And who heads out with Luke on the fateful battle where the Death Star is blown up for the first time. Do I have to say its name again?
    

     R2-D2.     

     Now check out some of the specs and facts about the one and only droid-star-hero:

     Artoo's domed head, which can rotate a full 360 degrees, contains infrared receptors, electromagnetic-field sensors, a register read-out and logic dispenser, dedicated energy receptors, a rader eye, heat and motion detectors, and a holographic recorder and projector. His cylindrical body hides numerous devices, including a storage/retrieval jack for computer link-up, auditory receivers, flame-retardant foam dispenser, electric shock prod, high-powered spotlight, grasping claw, laser welder, circular saw, and a cybot acoustic signaler. Artoo usually travels on two treaded legs, although his third leg can be lowered for extra stability. In addition, Artoo has flotation devices and a periscoping visual scanner to guide him while submerged.

     On The Empire Strikes Back, R2 follows Luke on his journey to the Swamp planet where Luke undergoes Jedi training by Yoda. Yoda tries to steal Luke's food but R2 -D2 fights him! R2-D2 refuses to relent to the once head of the Jedi Council. If it weren't for Luke's intervention that midget shriveled muppet Yoda's ass would have been grass. Not only did R2 fought Yoda but also cussed him out--by the way R2 is a fiercely foul-mouthed motherf****r. All over the Star Wars trilogy you will find examples of this as C3PO admonished R2 for his language time and again. No other character in the Star Wars films cussed worth a damn. It's all about R2.
     And in Return Of The Jedi, R2 and C3PO head out to Jabba The Hut's castle. And when that colossal iron portal opens, who goes barging in but no other than R2...as C3PO cowardly bitched and moaned in the background. Such character. Later, when C3PO's being attacked by Jabba's pet, that darn thing that looked like a cross between a rat and a monkey, R2 just came right and shocked that f****r's ass. Show it right!
So now you know. It's not about Luke. It's not about Darth. Not even about the Force nor George Lucas. It's about R2.
Finally, for the thousands that have seen Episode 1: The Phantom Menace, one more example of R2's greatness. When Queen Amidala's ship needs repairs on their way off Planet Naboo, who gets out there in the middle of hail and fire and fixes it all up? R2! Even as the other droids got blasted to hell, R2 got there, selflessly and took care of business. Otherwise, the Queen, Qui-Gon Jin, Obi-Wan and that super-annoying Jar-Jar Binks would have been blown to particles. And if they would have died right there and then...there would have been no trip to Tatooine, the Queen would have never met Anakin... therefore Luke and Leiah would have never been born... and no one would have been able to stop Darth Vader in his quest to conquer the galaxy. There you go!

     He(R2) aided in the destruction of the massive World Devastators, joined Lando Calrissian on his mission to unravel the mysteries of the Teljkon vagabond ghost ship, and helped foil a plot by the Dark Jedi Kueller to destroy Rogue Squadron. He joins Luke on almost all his adventures and has yet to disappoint his allies.

     Joins Luke in all of his adventures? I think it's the other way around!

     It's all about R2-D2. Long live the Droid-God!

                                                                            Armando Valle

                                                                                       July 12, 1999

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