INQUISITION

     Well, this isn't nothing new. Come on. Everyone's heard about prostitution, pre-nuptial agreements, white slavery, and mail-order brides. As unpleasant as they are, they're not so shocking. What's fascinating about the Marry A Millionarie fiasco is what it reveals about the way most people are conceiving romance and marriage at the turn of the millenium--A straight, bloodless business proposition.

     Not that there's anything wrong with that, as Seinfeld would say: Marriage does have some innate business contract qualities. But in "Marry A Millionaire" what's forgotten is that the business aspect of marriage is the smallest bit--love should be the greatest. Two persons who meet, get to know each other, cherish each other, want to be together; to summarize: they love one another. Financial transactions, interest accrued and stock options should be way down the list. Everything you know is wrong. These days brides and grooms might well walk down the aisle and instead of exchanging vows they exchange bank account pin numbers and pledge: We're in it for the money!

     In a perfect world, everyone would find a suitable partner, fall in love and mate for life. In our perfectly dysfunctional world, the game's a bleeding ground. Single guys and girls out there, think about the last few dates you've had: the courage to ask someone out, the awkward moments, the measuring-stick attitude of a person you've just met, the nitpicking, the cruel blow-offs. To survive in one piece in the dating scene one has to be willing to bleed. Positive bleeding will hopefully get you into the arms of Mr.or Mrs. Right. Now the bar has been raised by our society's obession with financial status. Many ladies out there aren't thinking whether their future hubby will be a good lover, or a funny guy. They're asking probing questions like "How much does he make a year?" "Does he have a 5-year plan?" "Does he have a stable portfolio?" So, no kiss unless you have an investment advisor.

     There's nothing wrong with having money or making money. Where the whole thing turns obscene is how it affects the way we treat each other. These women were willing to parade in "beach wear" to be the one living in a gated mansion with some Mr. Big-Wallet with whom they may have only a couple of thoughts in common: "I like cheese", or "I really dig Celine Dion". Just this morning, Howard Stern, a crass man who just happens to be wise about many things, had in his show several of these women, and when he offered them a few thou to strip they gladly did. Nothing more than a strip--that was just a few thou.

     I recall with a sigh the tale of one of my friends, who will go nameless to protect his identity. Last year he had found someone, they were together and things seemed to be going well. Then she dumped him, and when he asked for a reason she told him: Her mother told her he was a loser with no job, no stability and no money. That was a year ago, and currently my friend can't bring himself to date anyone in fear of being hurt again. What a wonderful life.