25.jan.99
Today I have seen her. Whom? - See 2.sept.98
It was sub-faculty meeting. She is a brave girl. I chose seat near window. But I sat with my back to the light. She chose seat in opposite part of the class-room. So we were sitting right opposite each other but my face was in the shadow and her face was in the full day light. You see I was sitting sideways to the academician but I didn't care about it. Of course I took my scrutiny on her. And she looked at me too. She had ( [du:] - forgot word which must stand for "stern") steady serious but not stern look. I guess she had sufficient survey of me. By luck I was at ease and lighthearted. But I must be ashamed. It was Day of her Angel and I didn't give her any congratulations. I thought about it but it would preposterous from my part to present her something. I prefer to be callous in the eyes of other people than preposterous and funny in my own. I can't stand half-measures. May be if I had more plenitude of my powers or zeal, or may be if she had more charm faculties, (not static "take-it-or-leave-it" but more teasing and appealing faculties) ...
And she was in the pink. She wore jacket, dark half-transparent pantyhose and dark goffered skirt. (see also 21.jan.99). And also she wore white men shirt. You can imagine it was very exquisite, I even say, enthralling sight. But I couldn't bear her sight more than few seconds. I feel as a cad. I wanted to have her as a friend but I am too frail last time. I feel myself exactly as I felt when I was 18 year old.
As I told you in the 2.sept.98 her nails were cut short but today she had her nails with nail polish, which was by no means garish. Probably she considered it should be her feast her Angel Day. Am I a lout?
On the radio it was sad today "if you can avoid of using your car in the city do it because of huge snowdrift". And what had she done? Her car was nearly single standing near porch. - Too much pretence. And if I can admit there is no pretence at all and there is only the way of life can I match such way? Scruples, scruples. I wonder it will never end with me.