In the streets the children screamed
The lovers cried and the
poets dreamed
Not a word was spoken
The churchbells all were broken
And the three men I admire most
the Father, Son and the Holy Ghost
They caught the last train for the coast
the day the music died.
American Pie
I *really* really hate goodbyes. I mean, if it's for a couple of days - okay. But when people leave to go to another town/country, or I have to come home after a great visit I'm a complete wreck inside. I never understand those people in movies that have to part, and they go off in a car and don't look back. I may not cling on to people when I/they leave physically to a point where I have to be dragged off, but I always look back for as long as I can see them, trying to get every precious glance I can get, even if they're just a tiny spot far far back. Pathetic, isn't it?;)
And now - Tori ramble of the day:
Aziza sent me a Tori Amos poster! I had no idea what she'd sent me, so when I opened and saw it I was so shocked my chin dropped to over -------------------------} there...I'm not going to put it up though, because I don't want to ruin it. I'm saving it for America, where I'll have it framed...Yes. THEN. I had ordered some things from a company, and it arrived today...with my TORI '98 CALENDAR! This time I forgot I had ordered it though, in fact, earlier today I was thinking "Gosh I need to order that calendar from somewhere" and here it is. *sigh* I'm just having an overall crush back all over for her. I don't know why, but I *never* get tired of pictures of her...I'm not really attracted to her, even though I may sound like it, I just apsolutely LOVE the way she looks.
Speaking of that, I'm finaly organizing my Tori gallery..I've decided to clean up a bit, take away all the pictures that are good, but not very special, and instead put up pictures I feel are the kind that are fun to find, such as the one to the left.
Hmm..lesse..what else did I get..OH. A depeche mode cap 8) It's white (UGH!) with a blue print in front with an 80'ties picture of the band on a blue square...I love it, but it's rather ugly, and has a bad fit..argh..these cheap caps 8( Maybe I should just buy a plain black cap and sow on my 'Violator' badge? Nah...I might end up losing the cap somewhere, and then I am both capless and badgeless 8(
CD's:
Maria McKee - Maria Mckee
Lone Justice - Shelter
Lone Justice - Lone Justice
Indigo Girls - Rites of Passage
Ani DiFranco - Shy (single)
What bugs me is i ordered two copies of PJ Harvey's 'Rid Of Me' (one for Maria as a bday gift for tomorrow), and a Tori Amos Interview Disc, but they didn't have either...and those were the cd's I really wanted. Ah well, at least I got the money back, so I'm not completely broke yet. I'll have to find something else for Maria *argaagagarh*..I have a real hard time buying people gifts, no because I don't want to, but because I can never find anything I think they'd love. other people always find me perfect gifts, like the scarf of poster Aziza got me, or a plastic refrigerator cow that moo's every time I open the door etc...but me..never =( Well, except for the silly toys I sent Jessica. Instead I make people lots of tapes that I ruin by talking on them etc...ah well....
So hush, pretty baby, don't you cry
One of these mornings you're gonna rise up singing
You're gonna spread your wings and you'll take to the sky
Summertime
|
somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond any experience,your eyes have their silence: in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me, or which i cannot touch because they are too near
your slightest look easily will unclose me
or if your wish be to close me,i and
nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
(i do not know what it is about you that closes
|
It's a lot how I was with orange juice though, when I was younger I couldn't drink any kind of juice...I thought it bitter, sour, stingy...icky. Now I can go through glass after glass after glass...
Did you know I love flat sodas' too? Yes...I know you all consider it gross..but whereas I have a real problem with freshly opened cans of Coca Cola or Pepsi (Dr pepper being the exception, it has a softer carbonation or something), I LOVE the same drinks when they're all flat and no bubbly...That means I'm always in luck, because I always get leftover soda from people..mauahauahuahauh...
It takes more love
Than a heart can hold
To move the water to the shore
More Than A Heart Can Hold, Maria McKee
Wanna see something really snazzy? Look at the new design I made for my Tori Amos site today! I've been fiddeling with the pictures all day, and though I'm not completely satisfied with it all yet, I'm at least getting somewhere..WeEEe...I'm making everybody look at it all the time, so by the time I *really* need peoples opinions they'll be sick of it already. Ah well. So be it 8)
For about a year now I keep having this daily phantasy about performing, which is a bit silly since it'll never happen, and yet a comforting thing to rest my thoughts upon when things get stressy in my life...or when I stress myself. It's quite an elaborate phantasy, to the point where I make up setlists, how I'll sing them, what instrument I'll be playing (which is ridiculous as I don't play anything), how the audience will react, what I'll be wearing etc etc etc...argh 8)
| Today's Setlist |
| 1. Summertime |
| 2. I Forgive You (M.Mckee) |
| 3. If Love is a Red Dress (M.McKee) |
| 4. Tear In Your Hand (T.Amos) |
| 5. Marbles |
| 6. Dry |
| 7. Man |
| 9. Scales |
| 10. Alice á capella (SoM) |
| End Original Set |
| Additional Numbers |
| 1. You gotta sin to get saved (M.McKee) |
| 2. Don't Speak á la noisy metal 8)(G.Stefani?) |
| 3. Honey (T.Amos) |
| 4. Oil |
| 5. Stand By Me. |
I'd be thin, of course, and my hair would be long again, longer that it ever was, I'd be wearing something very similar to the dress Tori is wearing in the logo for that page, only a lot shorter 8), and my band'd be a very cool bunch. We'd be playing in a semi small pub where the stage is marked only by being a slightly elevated area of the room, and the lighting would be rather horrid, but forgiving. Would you pay to see this?Hehehe...
I'm going home to eat one fo the four pizzas I made last night, and the half a box with icecream I have in the freezer. Have a good weekend and...Jessica BETTER be back by monday 8(
i don't find anything wrong with wanting to look nice, or wear makeup, or whatever. if it makes you feel good, do it. it's when it becomes a focal point and obsession that it becomes not so good.. i think our society places way too much value on looks in general. do i wish someone would tell me i am beautiful? yeah, i guess i do. but i want to be thought of as a beautiful person...not a beautiful face.
For instance. A movie about dancing written by the author of Dirty Dancing doesn't mean it's Dirty Dancing. It only means you'll go "doh, they had that scene in DD too...sloppy". Also, while one might find Scott quite attractive as a skinny bald dying character, he looks completely different with hair and a suit on. I mean..attractive, but this time in a wholesome kind of way. make sense? Nevermind. Also. Jennifer Beals dancing but not Flashdancing just isn't dancing. Bah. 8( Mushy Peas with No salt.
When I was at the library on saturday maria and her boyfriend david came by..and so I followed them home, and gave them sad puppy eyes by the door so I could stay, while they went out and put up 'Found: Homeless dog. Conta..' nevermind. I went with them home though, and we ate yummie homemade mexican food and...watched 'The Addams family II - Family Values' coz it's so funny. I *love* those movies, and I loved the old series from the 5-60'ties. Wednesday is my HEROINE, and Christina Ricci is SUPERB as her. I told Maria and David I'm gunna make my kids watch those movies and HOPE they turn out somewhat like her. Scaring you, aren't I? Well ponder this, I want to name my future son Dweezil. No, not a real Zappa fan, I just *love* that name (and Dweezil Zappa is so cuuuute in The Running Man)
Oh...we downloaded some snippets of Swans and Jarboe songs, and we're sooooooo curious now..I really liked the sound. A lot. Someone that DID scare me a lot though was *drumroll* Diamanda Galas. Now...I don't know...she seriously sounded like a goat on one song, like a mix between between a goat and a 60 year old french male Edith Piaf impersonator. hehe. I just *KNOW* this will make some of you search for her now. hehhehe.
Now I pray the Lord won't scorn me if I make an honest vow
To someday wear a dress of white, cause scarlets what's I'm wearin' now
Well it's not that I don't love you, I'll love you 'til I die
But I could never be your bride 'til I tame my wicked side
You Gotta Sin To Get Saved, Maria Mckee
I wanna just scream at Jessica's mom. She 'forgot' to mail the check so that they could get back online. Argh. I mean...all along we were right somewhat when we suspected it hadn't been mailed off. GRRRRRRrrrRRR 8(((
I got a letter from Ninnie yesterday..hehe...wow. it made me feel a bit better, especialy since she's as lousy as me at snailmailing/keeping in touch. She produced 4,5 pages, which is some sort of record too. She and her boyfriend and another couple are on the Canary islands working. She got a job as a busguide *giggle*..I'm sorry, it's better than nothing, but it must be so annoying to guide around swedes that are so heavily drunk they're a sip from a coma. I was just glad to hear from her, and I'm going to write a letter back tonight, because I can imagine how sort of lonely it must get when you're at a place where you don't really speak the language (spanish), so you can't watch tv/movies because they're dubbed.
I'm also going to send her the Halloween pictires I took..hehe..she still doesn't know I cut my hair off, so my guess is she'll go "wait..that ISN'T A WIG? SHE CUT IT OFF?" and I'll hear all about that in her next letter. hehehehehe. I'm going to send her some of her favourite candy along too,coz she said she can barely find anything yummie and recognizable down there. One has to earn good deed points somehow 8)
Guess what! They're planning to have a party at the end of datorteket, and they've decided to make it a masquerade! (My ego wants to think my halloween celebration had a teeny bit to do with that)I already have my costume thought out. I'm gunna me a VAMPIRESSE! I'm going to wear my red promdress, and I'll sow on some fake white pearls I have so that the distract things from the rather generous cleavage that dress has, and one of the guys in my project offered to lend me a black huge cape he has. I'm already planning my make up..I'll dye my hair black, coz I have short hair anyways, and I'll have a lot of white powder and a spectacular eye makeup, a *lot* more elaborate than the halloween thing, and I'll buy a fake blood capsule and open, and let some run down from one of the corners of my mouth towards the chin. I'm only worried about vampire teeth, the only two sets available in the toystore are the kind you can't really wear and look believable. I was thinking of *trying* to make a wearable pair of fangs out of one of the bad sets though.
"You call that depressed? Well you didn't almost comitt suicide, and you're not on antidepressive medicine, so you're not *really* depressed, not like me/her/him/they."
"You've only liked this artist/that band for half a year whereas I discovered him/her/them when they made their first album, you don't even know his/hers/their pets' middlename, you're not a real fan."
fuck that fuck that fuck that.
Rainy annoying day. Sorry. On top of that EVERYTHIGN keeps crashing 8(
Jessicka's friend gave me the advice to sharpen and use presson nails as vampire fangs though...sounds good..8)
It frustrates me that I can't choose to write these entries when I want to. It frustrates me that I can't speak as openly as I want to. It frustrates me that I can't just be someone else writing, someone better. But that's alright.
I think I'm a both intimidated by, and in awe of relationships. I mean...I've grown up in a family where everyone's been isolated from each other as much as possible. I can't even remember when my mother, brother and I stopped even trying to eat a meal together at a regular basis. If it happens nowadays it's purely unintentional. We've just never had a lot of bonds, I mean, my mom and I talk a lot sometimes, we do, so nothing really wrong in that departement, but my brother's bad behaviour has just put this lid on any family feelings you're supposed to have...It's gotten to a point where I hush my mother if my brother is sleeping, so that he won't wake up and destroy the calm. I've grown up by myself, and I'm the one who've taught me things. My grandmother read me faery tales, but I got myself reading after that stopped. I've taught myself about most anything - relationships, sex, religion..you name it. It took almost a year before my mom got to know I'd gotten my period, and that was only after I chose to tell her.
I just feel weird around relationships, because I can't relate to them. When i visit a couple that i know, I'm instantly curious and study them and their home unintentionaly as if they were another species. I just don't think I could handle sharing a bathroom without feeling like we were just two people at a hotel sharing one, it'd be "is it okay if I use this shelf?" forever i think.
Ah well.