And if I only could I'd make a deal with God And I'd get him to swap our places Be running up that road Be running up that hill With no problems. Kate Bush, Running Up That Hill (Hounds of Love)

No Reshma, the empty boxes underneath do not mean anything profound. They just mean I had to run to catch the bus before I could fill them, and am hoping to have time to get Jessica to put up the rest later, if I remember :)

Friday, March 20 Jessica and a nameless Bunny :)

*dancing* Two of my classes were cancelled today :) I managed to complete a math quiz, despite the fact that I don't have a clue what we were doing. I wrote a reaction paper for english class in under one hour. Yey...I'm getting good at these last minute papers and essays. Actually, it was weird. I don't know what it is, but it feels like I'm some sort of trouble student in that class, because I always find myself rolling my eyes, and huffin', and puffin', and doodeling in my notebook. All of a sudden it seems like my teacher is trying to get on my good side. He commented on my miniature stapler a bit too enthusiastically. I think I huffed "No, I bought it because my math professor required it. At Wal-Mart." back. Maybe it's just me being a bitch. I don't know. Well. It IS MeaniePoohead Month, don't forget that!

*laugh* This is sad :) As soon as people started to tell me that they read this diary, my inspiration ran away like water. I've been in these slacks before, I know, and next week I'll be bursting with things to tell and rant about, but this week has simply been awful. Well, despite the interview. I've barely eaten anything worth mentioning, and I've gotten behind in all my classes. Not to mention the DAMN BUS DRIVERS!!!! (sorry :)And why on earth did I submitt this diary to the Open Pages? Readers scare me a bit =>8( (evil bunny emoticon) It has nothing to do with the privacy thing, I have no problem sharing intimate details about me with strangers, because it's only I who decide what goes up here, and what you know about me, it's just that EEeeE...people read what I write. Hmm. Actually, I like knowing that, in some twisted, exhibitionistic sense. I've never gotten a hostile response to this ever, so I don't know why it makes me feel shaky. Performance angst? Perhaps. Who cares?:)

I'm writing on the backs of my hands again. Some weeks ago, my left hand said "Hare Krishna", to remember my meeting with Jesica to eat there. Last week my left hand said "FEED", and my right hand said "RABBIT". Today my left hand says "SPARK", with stars drawn around it. It has become my subtle message board, where I can write anything, and people will see it. I was toying with the idea of writing things on my chin bone for a while, but decided against it. It would cause too many unimagenative comments, I'm sure. I'm sort of intriguied by the whole idea, though, because really, if the other person is literate, then s/he won't be able to look away from the "whatever" on my face, and then wonder for ages what it means, unless they ask. (I wonder why I want to force words into peoples minds? Maybe I've been online too long, and am trying to find a way to "emote" things in real life..;) Oh wait. Didn't Prince (No, I dunno how to make his damn symbol, and I never will bother to learn, either) do something similar with his pathetic facial hair? Slave, I think it said. Okay, scrap that idea. I like writing on my arms better anyways. More space.

Eek. Jesica and Aziza told me online that there are tornadoes in North Carolina tonight! Wow. I wonder what the likelyhood is of it being closeby here though. Hopefully, not great, because despite what I remember from Oprah's "What to do if a Tornado strikes" show, she never said anything about what to do when in a bus =>8(. And DAMMIT, I don't want to go to Kansas!

Sometimes I find myself doing silly things. Earlier today I made a name search on this guy I used to know when I first got online. I actually visited him, too, but after that we lost touch. Now, the funny part is, I only found a company page, with him (or at least a guy with his name) listed on it. The company is located where the guy lived(s?). There's an e-mail address listed. Should I...send a mail? I dunno? That visit was a small turning point for me, musicaly. I had just discovered Alanis Morissette (before you start to snicker and point finger, I'd like to say this: If I hadn't found Alanis listenable back in -95, I would never have decided to buy a cd by Maria McKee. If I hadn't bought a cd by Maria McKee, I would never have bought my first PJ Harvey cd. If I hadn't bought that PJ Harvey cd, I would never have bought the Bjork cd. If I hadn't bought my that Bjork cd, I would never have borrowed my first Tori Amos cd. If I hadn't borrowed my first Tori Amos cd, I would never have bought my first Kate Bush cd. If I hadn't bought my first Kate Bush cd, I would never have bought Patti Smith's Gone Again. If I hadn't bought the Patti Smith cd, I would never have bought the Joni Mitchell compilation. If I hadn't bought the Joni Mitchell cd, I would never have bought my Billie Holiday compilation. I could link in at least 10 other bands and artists into that mess, but I won't.), and was actually starting to become curious about new bands and songs. During that stay, I must have heard the songs on "Throwing Copper", by Live at least 20 times. I ended up buying that cd, and though my brother managed to lose it, I can still hear the songs in my mind. They always remind me of slow august evenings, humidity, and darkblue skies. This whole box didn't make any sense. I realize that now. Maybe I will straighten it out sometime. Maybe not.

Have a good weekend. :)

Monday, March 23 I got an A! I got an A! I got an A! Here's the english essay #2, in case you wanna go there and find things to complain about. I'm so damn proud (not to mention genuinly surprised) I could peel an orange. The comments I got on it from my teacher: "Wow! This is exactly what I expected from this assignment! Wonderful details throughout! Good mix of description and narrative! Minor grammar errors. A! See me ASAP! (it turned out he wants to keep it 'for his file', whatever that means 8()

Wednesday, March 25 Sing me to sleep Sing me to sleep I'm tired and I I want to go to bed Smiths, Asleep. I'm so tired still. It's a combination of irregular sleeping hours, crappy diet, and, I'm sure, stress, to some level. I really can't afford to pay $3.90 for a bag of apples, $5 for a bag of oranges, etc etc etc in order to keep up with the intake of vitamins and minerals I'm supposed to eat every day. Being broke sucks rocks :(. I always make sure I have pasta on my food shelves, as well as milk, whole grain bread, cans of beans and other vegetables to make up for loss in protein (being a vegetarian and all), a few onions/green bell peppers...it's a very dull diet though, and quite frankly, it's going to be heaven to come home to Sweden in May and be able to roll around in real food for a few months. God, my mouth waters at the mere thought of being able to make an actual salad again, with luscious green lettuce leaves, freshly rinsed under cold water that DOES NOT smell like pool water. REAL vinegar (with the proper acid'y sour taste, not the oily indifferent American vinegar :() splashed over the ripped lettuce pieces, with a little salt to ad zing to it. Firm, freshly cut cucumber dices, a few tiny pieces of bulging red tomato, finely chopped up garlic cloves, thin slices of green bell peppers and - OOOOH I'm going to faint if I don't finish this soon- water to thin out the vinegar. Great. A Masochistic entry for today, it seems. :)

No, no word still about that interview from last week. Who knows if anything at all will happen. That's okay. I think it did enough good even if it never gets published. Some of the guys' questions really made me think about this whole diary thing. One thing he asked me was if it wasn't intimidating with strangers out there being able to learn so many intimate details about me. I don't remember if I answered it in any satisfying way or not, I can be rather dull. Well. What I would LIKE to answer that question with is: There is not a single piece of information, not a single word on this homepage, or in this diary, that haven't been planted here by me. If there should happen to be some intimate details around - I decided to share them. I guess it depends on what one regards as intimate, or "too personal" too, for that matter. Would referring to intimate details about one's sex life fall in this category? Dreams? What food I like? I don't know where I would draw the line. If I'm in the mood to tell people whom I'd like to sleep with, I will. Should I choose to rant about what kind of salad I want, I will. It goes both ways - I don't have an obligation to tell anything. It's not primarily to entertain people, it's more of a way for me to have an outlet for emotions, even though I most of the time try and not to describe the events leading up to the emotion, as I do not want to bring people into this diary without them knowing it. The level on all these, by now 200+ entries, is highly irregular. Monday's post consisted of that short, mundaine mentioning of me getting an A on my english essay. In late september, I was going through a stillborn infatuation, as well as dealing with a minor depression. It's out there. if anybody wants to read it, that's fine by me. If not...it's mine. I'll keep this until I'm done, whenever I reach that. I could stop tomorrow. I could go on for years in various formats. Who knows? It's a diary :)

And so the Oscars came and went. Yes, I watched the whole thing. :) And Titanic winning 11 oscars was fine by me. Madonna's muscly arms scared me a bit. Did anyone else notice Jennifer Lopez butt?? Neve Campbell. BLAH. Kate Winslet's dress 8) DANNY ELFMAN WON NOTHING. Gah =( Since saturday night I've had a semi obsession with Danny Elfman. I was just idly sitting online jumping around webpages, when all of a sudden the truth hit my brain like a wet sock - Danny Elfman is a genius! All of a sudden all the musical scores I've heard, composed by Danny, flooded my memory like tidal waves. Edward Scissorhands. Batman. -NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS!-. I now spend a small amount of time every day hunting down new fun facts about Danny. There's just something fascinating about a musical selftaught genius with a grin as gigantic and evil looking as mine (Trust me, if I grin *for real*, I'd scare most anybody. I have a very wide mouth, and my eyes can gleam like a true meaniepoohead without much effort.) HEHhhehehehehhehHEH That's him. 8) He looks a bit like Tom Hulce as Amadeus, just more..evil, doesn't he? Adorable =>8)

Thursday, March 26 *Note; this background will only be seen today, it just suited my mood. I didn't bother to download it so...if you read this, and there's nothing but the usual black background - you missed out on Tori by the sea :) Help Meeeee, I'm meeeeltiiiing... It's so hot! I can't handle it! My brain is going to start leaking out of my ears if the evening doesn't come soon =( It's not that it's *that* hot, really, it's the fact that I haven't been able to afford to do laundry in two weeks, and since I don't have that much clothes I'm running out...I'm down to my last pair of pants and my last sweater..unfortunately they're both THICK semi knitted things, thickkkkk black pants and my thick grey sweater with the Depeche Mode badge sown onto the breastpocket. I'm meeeeltiiiing....*sigh*

A few good things to spread a smile across my face happened though: My mom deposited money on my account for rent, power, cable, telephone, bus and school bills. Yey...I can buy a few veggies :) Jesica is also letting me have some of her multi vitamin pills. I started with it today, and will try it for a week to see if it has any effect. I don't -like- pills. It sedates life, and quite frankly, I'm too lazy and cheap to bother with all the medications for everything that's "wrong". I'm not one of those fanatics about not stuffing my body with chemical stuff. I just don't ever believe it'll work on me, so I don't bother with this and that head ache pill. I'm a bit weird about vitamin pills too. I must check the list on the jar tonight, what if I'm stuffing my body with levels of vitamins and other necessary stuff that is thousands of grams or whatever measurement used higher than I'm supposed to? It's so much easier to eat an orange, isn't it... I ordered "Music for the darkened people", by Danny Elfman 8) It's a collection of scores etc...I can't wait! I may be broke, but I'm sure my mom'll let me buy it as an Easter gift :) Also, Jessica is making me an Oingo Boingo tape..hahaha. Poor girl, I'm having her tape so many things for me..The Cure, Oingo Boingo, Devo, They Might Be Giants, The Cranes, Jarboe..etc etc etc...one day a huge envelope with 20 tapes will arrive, and this diary will rest quietly as my brain takes in the ecstasy that is music. :) I got almost 13 hrs of sleep! Yey! I went to bed a little after midnight, and apart from getting up to pee, and a short interlude of me getting up to talk with Jessica online for maybe 10 minutes, while so tired my eyes kept rolling about, I slept till 1 am today. Ridiculously enough, I'm still tired.

I long desperately to walk on a beach, today. At home I live but a few minutes away from the ocean, and though I rarely swim in it anymore (advanced phobias about what may be in the water, combined with a childish fright of seaweed), there is something comforting knowing that I can watch the waves roll in endlessly if I needed to see that. Here, I'm told, the ocean is about 3 hours away. I never knew how much I rely on water until I came here and had to face silent skies with no seagulls. Back home I live on a hill. On especially hot and friendly days, with the scent of newly mowed grass in my nostrils, I'll go out on our balcony and throw large pieces of bread out onto the lawn. Within seconds, the sky will fill with seagulls, circeling above my head, swooping down to catch a piece just for them. It's a bit scary sometimes, because they'll fly by my head almost close enough for me to feel the air generated by their wings as they rise for a new dive. It's an experience that makes you wish you always carried a camera, but also - wish that you'd never seen The Birds, by Alfred Hitchcock ;)

I just had a splendid idea (Duck! Take cover!!). I think I'm going to create a few background images every now and then, and use on this page. You snooze, you lose. I know, silly idea, and I'll probably never actualy go through with it, but I can try...:)

OKAY, I'm giving up, my fingers REFUSE to type anymore in this heat. I should get started on Essay #3 anyways, the draft is due tomorrow 8( Ta-ta.

Friday, March 27 OH my GAWD I'm wearing SHORTS in PUBLIC! As opposed to yesterday, I'm wearing a thin darkblue flowy shirt that can double as a short dress, and darkblue shorts. I'm not melting away, instead I'm flaunting my hairy ultrapale legs. The public screams. 8) I Just DON'T TAN. Won't happen. Mostly because my skin just doesn't tan, it can go really pink for a day, but then it goes back to ridiculously white again, but also because I stay indoors so much. Yes. I confess. I'm a summer poop. What can I say? I like rolling around in sunshine on a lawn as much as the next girl, but it's just not a priority to me. I like comfortably warm weather, the kind where you only sweat a little, the kind where you don't feel like a dried up prune after 5 minutes outdoors. I don't like headaches from too much sunlight, I don't like swelling fingers, and I DON'T like suffocating in rooms because the airconditioning is nonexistant. Bah. My eyes are really a problem, They just don't work well with a lot of sunlight. Thank ghod I'm a slob girl with no care of my appearance, which means I can wear my cap 24/7 without caring if it makes my hair flat, or if it makes me look like a boy. Nyah. :)

Oh. I didn't make that article after all. Great. Great great. Instead he concentrated the article on...Ana. Read away. I'm fairly sure he found her cam through my page. I dunno. I'm a bit sad right now because of it, as I find it a bit insensitive somehow, but I'll get over it. So much for fame. Ah well. I guess that means I can write whatever now anyways, because I won't have all those icky new readers. Yey. Jennie, Sorry you are not quoted in this, but i want to thank you for helping me so much to understand the breadth of the subject. Take care. Link is to HTML version. Reid Kanaley, staff writer, Philadelphia Inquirer I don't know why I find it so rude. Or something. He's a reporter, and yes, anacam IS undoubtedly more interesting than this tiny thing. My tummy got all tense though. Ah well. I'll be famous when I'm 30, and then I'll tell this story and people will say 'HA HA what did that reporter know..'. Actually, as I have said before..I don't wanna be famous. *mantra* As if something is going to drag me out and FORCE me to be. Heh. If somebody have some talent left over for me in some bag, do send it to me. Thank you.

At CN, Right This Minute: Psmith = Dylan, aLanis = Me {Psmith} and why aren't _you_ out in the sun? :-) {aLanis} coz it is evil and will make you die and because i'd rather stay indoors in an almost sealed room with hot burring computers, sulking.

I dyed my hair red today I just want a little passion to hold me in the dark I know I've got some magic buried, buried deep in my heart ... and here I stand with this sword in my hand you can say it one more time what you don't like let me hear it one more time then have a seat while I take to the sky Tori Amos, Take To The Sky.

Why is it that within 3 minutes after the reporter e-mailed me, I got a deep, scratching urge to dye my hair? I think I will bleach it, for the first time in my life, and pour some red over that. I got short ugly hair anyways, and the plum has faded enormously, so who gives a fuck. it's only me. *pity/whine/blah/nevermind*

Me and Jesica are gunna go watch something called Nucleodanza tonight. Some sort of danceshow with South-American tango, and stuff. I think I'm more pepped up about going to Bruegger's to have 'real' bagels for the first time ever though. Yey. Food. Yey. Hairdye. Yey. Teary eyed.

Kafka tell you 'i'll quote you :) Jessica. Thank you. :)

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