I spent an hour on the phone with Maria last night, and we've just met up here at the library. Right after she called, I called Ninnie again, and oh my, she returned my call... It turned out she hadn't been ignoring me, her mom forgot to tell her that I had called her last week, so she didn't believe my brother when he said I was home... Everything felt like it used to, talking to her, so I guess my fear was unfounded... I can't beLIEVE she's been away for 8 months! Hopefully we'll do some catching up one of these days to come... It just feels better having spoken to both of them, a little less lonely, I'd say :)

Last night's dream: Driving home with my mom and my dad (odd since they're divorced) from somewhere up the country, stopping at a small town at night for no good reason what so ever. After walking through a store with them, where they had some costume ball clothes for sale, I was told by the store manager there was a store just like it that I might like, situated in my hometown, right behind my old high school. I thanked the man, and left on my own. (I have no clue as to where my parents went off to) I found myself walking through a town I've never seen before at night. It was rather small, an clearly situated in the woods because I could see the pine tops behind some of the houses. Suddenly I could see that a part of the town had been turned into an amusement park, with coloured lights hung between the houses, and bonfires here and there... There weren't a lot of people, though, and the asphalt looked very dark and wet. As I was walking to a sort of fence, I noticed some commotion at the other side of the parking lot I was by... I tried to distinguish what was happening, but all I could see was 15-20 people running towards where I was. On the other side of the parkinglot, I all of a sudden became aware of a small figure dressed in silver. It's face was painted like a clown's, but in pale colours that were fading, much like as if it was painted with watercolours. In it's hand it held a small device, and from the people's screams, I figured out that it was some sort of bomb device. Suddenly, the clown clicked the hind part of the device together, and a small disc was shot out the front, about the size of a hockey puck. It shot out along the ground, and created a trail of fire behind itself, until it finally hit a wall and sent off a massive pulsating blue shimmer. It was some sort of electric pulse shock bomb that had a rather large radie. I couldn't see anyone get hurt, but there were many people running around, trying to find some safe place. I found myself clinging to the top of the fence, and the cord that had coloured lights attached to it. The clown kept firing new shots, and I was terrified one would come my way. I could feel how the cord was beginning to cut into my hands, the sweat down my face in thick terrified droplets. And there, one of the disc's flew into the air and hit my cord further down the line, and I could see the electric charge work its way down my cord, only to stop seconds away. Scared out of my mind I lept down, and followed the others that were running... somewhere. It turned out they were all running to a small lake, or rather, the mountain side leading down to the lake. Someone had figured out that the electric charge couldn't hurt the mountain ground, so we were safe there. After some discs' being fired into the lake, creating massive tidal waves, and nearly sweeping me down into the water, it seemed the clown couldn't think of what else to do. And that's when my perspective changed. I could see what was happening up close by the clown, much like if I was watching a movie. Out of nowhere Maya Angelou appeard (!!). She was wearing the same makeup as the clown, which startled it quite a bit. Being so up close, I could see that the clown was actually a woman. As if to challenge it, Maya took out a pair of scissor's, showed a long tongue attached to her own made out of leather, and cut it slowly in half, making it look somewhat like a large snake tongue. It seemed as if this would somehow throw the clown off so that she could be overpowered, but... nope. The clown took the scissors, stared Maya straight in the face with this huge open mouth grin, and cut her own tongue in half too. Strangely enough it didn't bleed much. At that, we thought the battle was over, the clown had won... but no. Maya looked frustrated, ripped off her fake tongue, grabbed the scissors, and with a look of complete serenity and SUPREMITY she cut her tongue too, and this time, it did bleed. She took the clown woman in her arm's and rocked her gently. "Don't worry," she said,"I understand. It doesn't matter." And that's when I woke up. Now PLEASE, someone... what the HELLLLL kind'a dream was that??? *shrug*

Thursday, May 28 If you want me to, boy I could lie to you You don't need one of these to let me inside of you And is it true that devils end up like you Something safe for the picture frame And is it true that devils end up like you So tied up you don't know how she came Tori Amos, She's Your Cocaine(From the Choirgirl Hotel)

So I left around 3pm with maria yesterday, picked up my pictures and ... yey! 19 out of 24 came out just fine. The pictures that were really ruined were the pics of me rollerblading, so I'm not too devistated. Maybe I'll scan one or two if I can get to it. We'll see. I'm not too thrilled about all the pictures of me (why were there SO MANY, and why were they all SO BAD?), but Jesse's dog... RRARARrrrarr it's quite possible it's the cutest dog I've -ever- seen, and I've seen a lot of dogs. We took the bus back to Maria's apartement, and spent 10 hours listening to Tori, PJ Harvey, but mostly... Bjork. She's got an massive collection of Bjork stuff, preferably from her pre-solo Bjork years, meaning I saw Bjork at 16, pregnant Bjork, Bjork holding a really long plastic snake filled with popcorn, Bjork in nerdy clothes with boycut hair, Bjork singing with her band and Einar participating through a phone, Bjork PRE tattoo on arm, Bjork in a very very strange video, wearing makeup that looked like a cross between a Kiss member, and an insane geisha. (Eek. Bren, did I keep you from reading through this now? Okay I'll stop talking about ... Bjork.) ... etc etc. At 1 am I felt it was time to walk home. Now, if was dark, and in case you don't remember, I have a problem with walking home from Maria's. Excerpt from October 27. At 5.30 in the morning here it's....dark. Very, very dark. It's also late october, making it cold. Very, very cold. Also, Maria lives across town on a hill...separating 'town' and that hill is a steep hillside road. That road is in a forest. On one side of the road is a tinsy chapel with a graveyard. It's...not a place where you want to be walking at 5:30 a.m when it's really dark and really cold. But I was. Now to keep my scared-of-the-dark-woods self calm I invented a really stupid mantra. Before I entered the woods I decided it might be a good idea to ask the stars to look out for me. And then basicaly I chanted 'I Do Not Cause Harm.' for the 10-15 minute walk, concentrating on not looking into the woods or at the graveyard or anything, until I got out, said 'Thank You' to...nothing, and walked home. IT WAS 5:30, and I AM weird so :P~...I'm alive, aren't I? So at 1 am yesterday I wasn't all that thrilled to have to walk back and freak out again... So, I went by my dad's building across from Maria's to see if maybe he was up and could drive me home. It looked rather dark in there on the third floor, so I was just about to leave, when the kitchen light was switched on. How do you call up to the third floor at 1.20 am without waking other people up? I did what any other person would've done ... I whistled and squeaked. Eventually he caught on, threw down the keys and up I went. I haven't actually visited my dad's place in about a year or so ... he usually drives to where I live. We ended up talking till 4 am, so it wasn't worth going back home, so I spent the night there. I was woken up in the morning by the phone. It was my mom, trying to locate me ... :)

Talking babies with Jessica (no, neither of us is having one anytime soon, we're just ... trying to imagine, heh.) As usual, Jessica is 'Kafka', and I am 'aLanis'. Kafka hopes for a happy Kafka say 'Yeah I think I MIGHT have one' Kafka say 'if I have money to get it a room full of cool toys' Kafka say 'and time to sit and read bad books to it' Kafka say 'I just know I"m going to raise a weird kid...' Kafka say 'Because I'll be like "Yech...Mickey Mouse is stupid!"' Kafka say '"No, this toy is Mommy's."' aLanis exclaims 'heheheheh i know!' Kafka say '"Put on your best feather boa... Aunt Jennie's coming"' aLanis says 'my child will be stranggge...it'll grow up with such music, heh .. it'll be that awful child who tells kids how baby's are REALLY made when they'r 5'' Kafka say 'hehehhe =:)' aLanis says 'i never thought about it, but dammit...i can see us older, with kids...we'll be aunt jennie and aunt jessica to each other's kids, with sparkles around our eyes scaring the reg. parents in the park' Kafka exclaim 'hehehehe!' Kafka say 'When I have kids, I'm gonna prance around the house in high heels a lot' Kafka say 'heheh...I just have an image' Kafka say 'I'll be bad though =:(' Kafka say 'I'll say weird things about whoever their Daddy is' Kafka say 'like "Your Daddy went to outer space and isn't coming back"' aLanis grins! Kafka say '"Everytime you see something flying overhead, that might be your Daddy"' Kafka say '"Now get me a martini"' aLanis says 'i can see my kids...'wanna watch nightmare on elmstreet part IV with mummy?'' aLanis says ''NO BARNEY. how about watching uncle freeeddy instead?PLEASE?'' Kafka exclaim 'hehehe!' Kafka say 'or they'll put up a fight to see the new Disney cartoon' Kafka say 'so I'll be making fun of it as they watch it' *shrug* Babies still scare me a bit, they're so tiny and fragile, but who knows, maybe someday... hehhhh.

Last night's dream: I was living in an unfamiliar house ... One night I was going to sleep, when the woman that apparently owned the apartement begun to act strangely. Suddenly, two more of her walked in, and I realized - they were pod people. Yes. Just like in that old old horror movie. Pod people. A long sequence followed of me question the three women, trying to distinguish who was the real woman and which two were the pod people. Finally I thought I could catch the two liars by asking "What colour was my hair as a baby?" I left the three discussing that behind me, realizing they were all ... pod people. I stepped outside to a world torn by war, and those disgusting meaty pod flowers from the Alien movies everywhere. I almost tripped stepping over one. The last I remember I propped myself against a house wall, slid down, and cried calmly. And that's when the phone rang and woke me up.

I decided to take a walk around the library, since I'm here all day ... I ended up borrowing Douglas Coupland's Microserfs, Alice Hoffman's Turtle Moon (I saw it at Aziza's house, and as I was looking in a shelf here, the title lept out at me. I'm taking it as a sign that I'm supposed to read it.) I rented Muriel's Wedding again (love it. Maybe one day, my life WILL be as good as an ABBA song?), and The Ceremony (Orig. title La Cèrèmonie, yes, french movie). Isabelle Huppert looks like a modern Greta Garbo ...

Friday, May 29 I feel the West in you And I feel it falling apart too Don't say that you don't and if you could see me now if you could see me now Girls, you've got to know When it's time to turn the page When you're only wet because of the rain Tori Amos, Northern Lad(From the Choirgirl Hotel)

You know you have too much spare time when you come home, try and think of something to do, and end up calling a friend in the US just to leave a puzzeling voicemail. "...HI. It's me. So, this is how it sounds when I eat a rhubarb. *crrrunch* EEeEeEEe SHIT I forgot to dip it in sugar! Ah well that was all I wanted to say. Bye bye." Perfectly normal.

Phil Hartman is dead. :(

I rented an amazing swedish movie last night, and it bugs me to no end that it wasn't acclaimed and popular enough to be distributed outside of Sweden, because that means I'll never be able to tell anyone to rent it. I can't even show it to them because no one understands Swedish (even though Jessica knows way too much to be considered non Swedish speaking ;), and who wants to see a movie where people speak gibberish, while I translate what everyone is saying? It's called Under Ytan, "Below the Surface" ... within the movie's first 45 seconds, the main character Sandra, shoots up, and O.D's. Throughout the movie, this girl has maybe one scene where she looks somewhat decent. What the back of the cover says: "Sandra, a 23 year old girl from Stockholm is rapidly getting caught up in her drug addiction. Her 18 year old sister is the wellbehaved of the two. When Sandra is about to hit rock bottom, she realizes that the only way to save herself is to run from the environment she's surrounded herself with. She checks herself into a rehab center. When she is reached by the news that her ex boyfriend Roffe has started to put his moves on Jannika, her sister, and dragged her into the same destructive pattern, Sandra realizes that she has to get back to Stockholm." It fails to mention that the actress playing Sandra does it with such perfection, such devistation, such ugliness, such strenght, it just grabs your spine. It's painful shots of her nearly being raped, shooting up, vomiting from withdrawal, trying to stop her sister from copying her desperate life, trying to find her way back to her roots, her family... argh.

I didn't have any memorable dreams last night ... there was a massive thunderstorm outside, so I stayed up listening to Tori and playing Solitaire on the puter till 5 am ... I took a long half hour shower, put on some glitter makeup, and went down to the library and... have been spodding all day long. No ... haven't really said much intelligent there either. I tried to give Jesse advice over the talker on how to sow a button. *shrug* It's really really hard to explain in plain words how to do a thing like that, heheh. This entry is about as uneventful as I feel right now. I'll just go home, make a veggy lasagna (despite me not actually having a recipe) filled with chopped up green bell peppers and garlic and bechamel sauce and aaaargggh yummie salad, and finish reading Microserf's. Don't know if I like it yet.

Tuesday, June 2
Lost as we spin, I'll sew you in This perfect dress, skin of our skin Woven our hands, silk is our breath Wear it for you this perfect dress... Maria McKee, This perfect Dress(Life is Sweet)	NEW LOOK! NEW LOOK! And I owe it all to her. I wrote a new song last night around 3.30 am. It consists of one line, repeated over and over: You DIRTY DIRTY DIRTY DIRTY FISH you! Hehehe, HEY it COULD sound cool ... if only I had a microphone for my computer, and a nice program to mix the vocals up and put distortion and echoe and everything on it ... honest. Hehe. mercury tells you 'your diary entry for today should be "Ate my own forehead....More on this tomorrow."' People are always so helpful. I was so excited over this new look, and then geocities were meaniepooheads, so I couldn't log in until it was too late to actually write something. I'll go home and sulk 8( I never did read Microserfs. I'm still trying to get through that Anne Rice book. Only 250 pages left now. Yey... and then there's the sequel...argh! So, how you like my new dress? If there's any finetuning you'd prefer to be done, do let me know, you know, if it looks way screwy on YOUR screen because I forgot to close this or that, or just ... you want to tell me how nice I look in this colour, do e-mail e, okay?:)
Wednesday, June 3
Feeling old by 21 Never thought my day would come My bridesmaids getting laid I pray for Jackie's strength Tori Amos, Jackie's Strenght(From the Choirgirl Hotel)	Nothing here today. WHY? Because I spent the day working on a simpler look for The Family Album, the archive for this diary, and trying to scan a few pictures. Failing miserably at the latter part, I might add. Gunna go watch my friend Monica before she's off to her prom. Yes. I will snap many pictures. Will they ever been seen in here? probably not, seeing my sudden incapability of handeling the SIMPLEST scanning programs 8( Sorry for sounding so grumpy, I just haven't had any ice cream yet today, so I'm allowed to be frumpy. I'm itching to write in here too, but haven't given myself enough time the past days, and it's driving me MAD. I'll just try and actually get up at 8 am tomorrow as opposed to 12.30 pm, and write a mastodont entry, eh? I had a dream though, I dreamt I was getting married. I never got to see who I was marrying though, I was just stuck in this room by the church with about 7 other brides, all of them looking glorious, me wearing a soggy dress I said I'd bought when I was 10. I was wearing it underneath layers of other clothes, though, and I seemed to be spending endless time taking off sweaters and jackets and shirts, trying to get to the dress.
Thursday, June 4
With your E's And your ease And I do one more I know we're dying And there's no sign of a parachute We scream in cathedrals Why can't it be beautiful Why does there Gotta be a sacrifice Tori Amos, IIEEE (From the Choirgirl Hotel)	I got a virtual post card today from someone in a band called Creeping Myrtle today, thanking me for ... my PJ Harvey page. It's so strange how that thing has taken on a life on its own the past 3 months, I just put it up because I really really love her music, and because there aren't that many pages out there dedicated to her, and all of a sudden I sit with 2000+ visits. It's not a very original site, although I did scan half of the pictures in the image gallery, but still ... it's TINY, and yet people keep coming there, and I've gotten a bunch of e-mail (that I've barely responded to because I'm such a putz) about it ... weird. Weird weird weird. But ... nice :) And sometimes we screw up. If you ever get close to a human And human behaviour Be ready to get confused There's definitely no logic To human behaviour But yet so irristible There's no map To human behaviour They're terribly moody Then all of a sudden turn happy But, oh, to get involved in the exchange Of human emotions is ever so satisfying There's no map And a compass Wouldn't help at all Human behaviour Bjork, Human Behaviour (Debut) I think my brain derailed. I'm not doing anything I feel like mentioning, and I don't feel like mentioning what is happening, and so this diary blankly stares at me while I sit in front of this screen and type these words in to at least give it a little food. Pathetic, I must admitt.
Friday, June 5
i can hardly wait i can hardly wait i can hardly wait i can hardly wait lips cracked dry toungue blue burst say angel come say lick my thirst it's been so long i've lost my taste here romeo make my world as great PJ Harvey, Hardly Wait (4-Track Demos)	I'm so giddy! I don't really know why, but then, I guess I sort of do ... My friend Monica just graduated High School, and I'm so happy for her. It's funny to think I actually remember holding her when she was a baby, and now ... eep, she's all grown up! It's so strange now. She and her baby sister, Anna, are just soo gorgeous. What happened to the kids I used to play with? And where the hell did these two tall thin gorgeous young girls come from? I dunno ... At least I still get to be 'that freaky friend of yours' at their birthday parties. Today I'm cheerfully wearing black shoes, bright blue socks, short blue shorts, long dark blue shirt, black watch, twilight lipstick, thick black eyeliner, glitter on my face and in my hair that's ... well, messy, to say the least. OH, and the small, pitch black sunglasses I stole from my brother. I look quite smashing, actually, at least in my head ... Not as smashing as Jessica does, though, but still ;) Continued.
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