June
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i can hardly wait
lips cracked dry
PJ Harvey, |
Did you ever go through old, old files on your computer, and find stuff you really don't recall writing?
Slip you into my skin |
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dunk you
PJ Harvey, |
The following was written at 5.15 AM this morning, when I was dead tired, and yet up, watching a movie. *shrug*5.15 AMSo. Sometimes I wish I had a sister. I mean, technically, I have half a big sister out there, but that's genetically speaking. My mom has pointed her out twice to me from the bus, but I was never quick enough at looking out the window, so all I'd see would be the fussy image of some blonde walking off. I know her name is Annelie, and I know she's roughly 12 years older than me. I'm told she looks a lot like me, only older and ... blonde. She called me up once. I think I was 17. We talked for a while. It seems, I'm half an aunt to two sweet children. Well, genetically speaking, at least. She wanted me to come visit. I lied, I made up some lame excuse about not having any money for the bus ride, and that I had to study that night. I'm not sure why. See, she lives maybe 10-20 minutes away by car. Genetically speaking.
5.32 AM I see all these women, and girls, and whatnot out there, you know them, they're the Special K people. They make me feel like I'm a pod people, I'm all here, but I don't get it, somehow. Fresh brain that needs input, input, beep, beep. You must have noticed it too - How some people just seem to genetically know what food should be stocked in the cabinettes, when the kids should go to bed, and how you get stains out of carpets. When I was staying at Aziza's house, her mom once decided to teach me how you can make the dishes in a more efficient way than I was. "Haven't your mother taught you this?" No ... Sorry. She was busy working 8-6 as a secretary. We didn't have dinners in the evenings, we had sandwhiches. They don't make a lot of mess. My family always seemed to be just random individuals who happened to be living together. We rarely ate/eat together. I've been cooking my own meals since I turned vegetarian, back when I was 16. I never had a bedtime, I've watched and read whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. We were more like housemates that occasionaly would stumble upon each other in the kitchen, or the livingroom every day. Ah well, some day I might figure out why I should have brown sugar stocked in my cupboard, or why I should buy lentils, and what to actually do with them. I don't know. Maybe I'll always be a pod people?
Yesterday was really fun. Except for this one girl, one of my friends' ... friends. She was apparently taken by my ditzy appearance, or maybe it was my featherboa, and kept asking to borrow my lipstick, or asking me about the US. Heh. I always feel uncomfortable when strange people choose to idolize me for the moment. *shrug*
I'd also like to announce that Lili Taylor is a goddess, Georgia is still a movie that grabs my spine, and that Jessica is still my Beauty Queen. Heh. |
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We're flying
Never want to
Depeche Mode, (Music For The Masses) |
I dunno. I'm a wee bit pissed, I guess. Depeche Mode is coming to Sweden in September to play, and since I won't be here, I can't go. Knowing me, I probably wouldn't have gone anyways, too much stress involved with getting the tickets and going on a concert with loads and loads of people all on my own, but still. It seems they're doing the US leg of the tour in November-December, though, so I'll try to maybe go see them then. yeah...
A day in my life: I sleep 12-14 hours. I walk to town and shop for food, or sit around the library, jumping at any opportunity to get online. I go home and cook. I watch some movies on the telly. I go down to my place and listen to music, while playing Solitaire on the computer. I sleep further. It's like I'm hybernating, in wait for the fall. It's a waste of life, I guess, but I just can't get energetic enough to actually do anything. Soggy Soggy Lazy Cow. Ah well. Only 8-9 more weeks to go.
I saw my cat Sammy yesterday. I'm not entirely certain it was him, he was quite far away, but it seemed like him. I called out for him, of course, but from his manneurisms, I could tell he didn't want to come by and humour me. I did leave him for 5 months, after all. *shrug* I miss my cat 8(.
Ninnie came by last night, without letting me know ahead, so there was plenty of surprise when she rang the door bell. She's as beautiful as ever, so blonde and tan and thin ... I haven't seen her since july, yet the moment she walked in and sat down on a chair, everything felt just like ... always. We never do the 'so, what's happened in your life, then?' thing ... we talked silly stuff for a while, and then we watched Ulee's Gold, and Merlin, talked some more ... it was just ... familiar. I thoroughly enjoyed it.
And now, I'm off to start the long list of Really Cheesy 80's movies. Do e-mail me any suggestions of movies to add, if you can think of any :) |
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The most stylish and innovative new cars come from Chrysler · High-school kids wear beepers as a fashion statement · Video games are hot, but Atari isn't · Las Vegas is now a popular family vacation destination · The guy who made Jaws now rules Hollywood · Sexual revolutionaries aged into rigid Puritans · Litigation has become the Great American Dream · Men are now objectified in the media as much as women; nearly naked men sell jeans, soda, and soap · Seven-year-old girls diet · "Powerful homosexual" is no longer an oxymoron · Castro is still running Cuba ·
Douglas Coupland, (Excerpt from Revers Time Capsule. Go read the whole thing!) |
Decided to go into a Douglas Coupland trance last night, so I stayed up to read Microserfs in one long piece. I had to stop every now and then, when I seemed to have run out of new comfortable positions in the bed (It happens.), and when I did, I wrote down some thoughts. Funny, I wouldn't really agree with them now that I'm through the book, but I guess they're valid for how I feel while I'm reading Coupland's books.
1.27 AMReading Microserfs. It is books like this that make me feel really stupid. I don't think they mean to, and I don't feel uncomfortable feeling ... stupid, so there's no reason not to continue reading, really. It just feels like it is a bit too intelligent for me. I'm one of those who sometimes skip whole passages. In fact, sometimes I skip whole pages, briefly skimming them to see if they are just too intense for my mind that moment, or if it's getting on with "the story". I'm sure I miss out on a lot of what the book wants to tell me, but what can I say? It feels a bit like all those mathematical formulas that used to leap out at me from endless pages, formulas I just couldn't deal with because I don't understand them. Nevertheless, I keep reading. 3.14 AM Coupland's books somehow makes me feel rather small and insignificant. I guess it's just the tone of the books. Things can be analyzed and seemingly unemotionally described, and life seems empty, in all the highly intelligent reasoning, and in the end, we're all boxed into little compartments, and we all fit into them, we just wish we didn't. I think I like Douglas Couplands' brain. Oh my. And hey, why shouldn't I? Now if only I could get my hands on Girlfriend in A Coma. How can I not fall for a book that's named after a Morrissey Song? 4.07 AM Argh. How does he do that? I spend an entire book undecided if I really do like the book or not, I reach the last page of it, and boom -- Damn that was a good book! Maybe it is my subconscience who likes his books, while the conscience part of my mind is just puzzled. I'd like to think that I really do get as much out of his books as it feels whenever I finish reading one, instead of just feeling content I made it through another one. And now I've spent an hour at least at his site. I just can't seem to stop click around to look at pictures of him, or stuff, or read essays put up. How entertaining.
Someone's alarm clock went off at 12:09 AM last night. Who has to get up at 12:09 AM? Or maybe it is all how it should be. Who says we have to set our alarms for safe, regular times like 12:10, or 12:05 ... maybe it's time for an alarm clock anarchy. Long Live Odd Times!
There's this guy that usualy comes up and talks to me if he sees me. The problem is, I can't remember when we started to talk, because we're not friends, it's just 10 minutes of chatter. Or rather, he likes holding monologues, and I can set up a pretty good facade as an active listener. Around him, I become the Queen of wellmeaning nods and 'uh huh?'s. Sometimes I interject other words, like 'Yeah?', or 'really?'. I don't think he notices. I'm not really listening. I wish I was. I feel so mean now. "Really?"
Q: What's playing on Channel Zero?Douglas Coupland: Depeche Mode and Ellen deGeneres are hurtling burning cars off a cliff while they play DM's new album they decided not to release and you can only hear it on Channel One. QUESTION: What's the deal with DM.. does anybody know? Did D.G. try and kill himself? Can't find out anything.
Diaries, diaries, everywhere diaries. It's just such a weird surprise nowadays, I guess, that the few times I do do some jumping around personal webpages, I stumble upon diaries, or other ways of documenting ones life. I guess it's just the thing to do. Also, everybody is rollerblading. I've noticed. Young kids, students ... justabout everyone there is. I don't know if I'm still stubborn as a three year old, but this whole everybody's doing it makes me really NOT want to do it. Not to be different. It's just too big to be just mine, you know? Egocentric. That is a word, right?
Sometimes we just want to wrap friends up in a big, soft blanket with us, away from bad feelings, bad thoughts, bad people, bad things, bad anything ... and sometimes all we can offer is text on a screen, symbolizing love. Sometimes the text symbolizes a hell of a lot of love though. Do remember that, You.
Lipstick colour of the day: Zealous - gun grey, with black outlines. Heh, I'm matching my dark grey sweater. Oooh, daring. |
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"I'm an acquired taste, I'm
anchovies.
Tori Amos, Sent to me by Jessica :)
Memo to self:Find and read 'She's come undone', by Wally Lamb. (It's not at my library 8()
My voice worked improperly, pumping a squeaky bellows full of giggles rather than my deep laugh. I pulled my scarf and my coat tighter about me, as if all this trembling was caused by winter, when I was actually burning blue fire. Jessica's June 9 entry is amazing. Do read it. The words will lick your brain. |
This has been my favourite poem since I was about 8.
THE NAMING OF CATS
The naming of Cats is a difficult matter,
First of all, there's the name that the family use daily,
There are fancier names if you think they sound sweeter,
But I tell you, a cat needs a name that's particular,
Of names of this kind, I can give you a quorum,
But above and beyond there's still one name left over,
When you notice a cat in profound meditation,
His mind is engaged in a rapt contemplation T.S Eliot (Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats) For a while, I even had that memorized, albeit the swedish version. I especially loved the last 3 lines, the way they'd tumble in my head and inside my mouth.
The reason it's relevant is ... well. We seem to have a new kitten in my home. It's small. It's white. It's very fluffy. It has really big blue eyes. It's like a walking wad of cotton candy ... it's so adorable. And I've named it Kafka, after ... Jessica. I'm hoping my brother and my mother okay this name eventually, when they realize how smart and wellread it'll make them seem to outsiders. I kept it in my room over night. I woke up at 5.37 AM because ... it pee'd on my bedspread, heh. There wasn't much to do, it was already almost dry, and there wasn't any smell, so I just played with it for a while, and tried to ignore my headache as I went back to sleep. I gave up the futile sleep efforts around 9 ... Kafka wrapped himself around my nose and mouth, you see, and was purring wildly, while clawing my cheek. And then he tried to pee on the bedspread again. In panic, I lifted him up, and got a spray on my left leg. Ah well. It's cute. It's forgiven.
So I open up my e-mail, and I'm greeted by all these wonderful e-mails ... argh. It sounds dorky, but I'm blushing. Still. Go figure.
I've had people tell me that they LIKE when I talk food. Ooo. I guess I shouldn't restrain myself, then. I quite enjoy talking about food. I enjoy everything ABOUT food, actually. In fact, to me, everything IS food. It's just ... I dunno. I haven't felt very foody lately, and I didn't think you did either. But you do. And so therefore, I'm happy to announce I no longer will withold my food talk any longer. After all -- it seems you actually like it :)
Lipstick colour of the day: Blue. My brother: "You're not gonna show yourself outdoors with BLUE LIPS, are you?" It's fun to be a rebel, even if it's just when it comes to lipsticks. |
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Show him that you care and just for him
Wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin'
Ani DiFranco, (Dusty Springfield [Thanks, Dylan!])
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I'm just ... slow today. I was at Maria's until 3.30 AM yesterday, did the hour walk back home, found Kafka had pee'd in my bed, in my chair, under my chair ... and yet he was lovely, so I stayed up and played with him until around 6 AM. Sleepy time:
6 AM - 12:30 PM I threw myself out of bed (well, carefully removed myself from bed, as to not wake Kafka up), and rushed down to the library in order to get at least an hour online before they close.
Number of People who spoke to me on the way down: 2. I can't help it, when I'm still mighty tired, and newly awoke, my eyes and eyebrows' look a bit angry, and since I'm not smiling, people assume that I just found poop in my cereal, or am just ... sad. *shrug*
We watched The Fifth Element yesterday .. yeah, I know, I'm so slow at getting to things, sometimes, and it's quite remarkable it's taken me this long to see it, considering how much I love Luc Besson's movies. I'm now in deep movielove with Leeloo (Milla Jovovich), and her orange hair, but that was expected. "Me fifth element - supreme being. Me protect you." Gorgeous. I could have lived without a teeny bit of the cheesiness in the movie that kept popping up here and there, BUT. It was amazing. Luc Besson is a God. And hey, any movie that puts Luke Perry and Tricky in the same movie, and lets TRICKY have a slightly bigger role, is worth all the respect.
It's my grandmother Vera's 81'st birthday today. Isn't that neat? My mom bought a big ceramic pot to give her from me (seeing as I'm broke) There'll be cookies and everything. yey.
If only Kafka'd stop pee in my bed 8( |
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