Scene 02: Broken Telephone Link
Noon. South Park Elementary School cafeteria.
[A bird's-eye view of kids stampeding into the cafeteria. Stan, Kyle, Cartman and
Kenny (in that order) join the serving line. Chef is cooking and serving food to the kids.
The boys are talking while in the queue. Use front-view cam for the queue.]
Stan
One day a boy comes in to school 23 minutes late. When the teacher says, "Where have
you been?" he goes: "I've been on top of Blueberry Hill."
[While they're talking, Chef is serving food to a kid in horn-rimmed glasses.]
Chef
That'll be $3.00, Poindexter. [Poindexter gives Chef a crisp $5.00 bill. Chef returns
$2.00 in spare change, as well as the food Poindexter ordered.] There you go.
[Chef stares at his bag on the floor. To him, there is an eerie golden glow emanating from
the bag.]
Chef [aside]
I wonder how much that triangle is worth......
[The four kids are nearer the cash register. They continue to talk.]
Kyle
The next day, a boy comes in to school 46 minutes late. When the teacher says, "Where have
you been?" he goes: "I've been on top of Blueberry Hill."
[Chef's phone suddenly rings. He picks up the receiver and listens.]
Chef
Hello, this is South Park Elementary Cafeteria. [He listens.] Who is this? [He listens.]
Link? Strange name for a woman. [He listens.] You want me to meet you at the South Park streetcar
stop at two o'clock? [He listens.] Are you sure you're not playing games? [He listens.] Hello, HELLO!
[He slams the receiver and mutters] What does she think this is? "Broken Telephone?"
[After a lot of waiting and talking, the four kids finally reach the cash register. Stan and
Kyle already have their food; they are now waiting for Cartman and Kenny to buy theirs.]
Cartman
The next day a girl comes in. When the teacher says: "Who are you?" she goes—
Kenny [snickering]
/* "I'm Blueberry Hill." */
[Suddenly, the blue-haired girl behind Kenny turns all red in the face.]
Blue-Haired Girl [seething with anger]
HENTAI!!!!!! [She pulls a mallet out of nowhere and bonks Kenny silly.]
Cartman [laughs derisively at Kenny, lying half-dead on the floor]
Serves you right for stealing my line, punk-ass! [he sees Chef] The usual, Chef.
Chef
Two extra-large helpings of Salisbury Steaks Surprise, coming up! [Chef hands a tray with
double helpings of S3 to Cartman.] Five dollars, just for you.
Cartman [hands $5.00 to Chef]
You're cool, Chef. [pauses for a brief moment, then abruptly begins again] Oh, by the way,
are you going to that big Britney Spears bash at the Town Square?
Chef [looking a tad nauseated]
Sorry but I can't come with you, children. I've got to meet someone at the streetcar stop.
Kyle [asking with sudden curiosity]
And her name's Link, is she not? [Chef lowers his head.]
Stan [sings in a girly voice]
My momma left home when I was five
And she left nothing to keep me alive
Just some milk and cookies by the kitchen sink
Now I don't blame her 'cuz she ran and hid
But the meanest thing that she ever did
Was before she left, she went and named me "Link".
[Stan continues to hum the melody as he strolls to the lunch table, with Kyle,
Cartman and Kenny following him. Chef seems to be contemplating something, very likely the
mysterious phone call.]
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Evil Rebirth is written by Miseducation on March 18, 1999.
South Park & characters ©1999 Comedy Central.
The Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina Of Time & characters ©1998 Nintendo.