Scene 04: Triforce Of Miseducation
2:00PM. A streetcar stop in South Park. There's a poster for Britney Spears' CD in the transit shelter.
Chef
So this is it—the moment of truth......
[Chef turns right. Zoom camera to his perspective. A figure is walking towards the
streetcar stop. The figure gets closer and closer; we see that it is a black woman in her
early-to-mid-twenties, with multibraid hair, well-defined eyes and full lips. She wears
a dark green dress-tunic over a white bodysuit which vaguely revealed her sculpted figure, as well as a matching bandana,
project-gold earrings, brown leather gloves and boots. She is carrying a sword and shield on
her back.]
Chef [shocked out of his system]
You're—
Mysterious Woman
Link. But everyone who doesn't know squat calls me Lauryn Hill.
Chef
Well, Miss Lauryn, I don't know squat; I just know that I love "The Miseducation Of Lauryn
Hill". Could you sign this for me please?
[Chef takes "this"—his shiny golden equilateral triangle—out of his pocket. Lauryn
snatches the triangle from him.]
Mysterious Woman, aka Link, aka Lauryn Hill [looks at the triangle]
Just as I thought......
Chef
What's the matter?
Lauryn [shocked]
......you have the Triforce of Power!
Chef [hissing]
Shhhhh! People can hear us! [He pauses, suddenly curious.] The Tri-what?
Lauryn [calms down and explains to Chef]
Long ago there was a kind of golden triangle called the Triforce,
in the ancient world of Hyrule.
Chef [confused]
Hyrule? As in Hyrule from Zelda 64?
Lauryn
Yeah. Hyrule only exists in video games now.
Chef [relieved]
You coulda told me earlier so I wouldn't be so confused, baby.
Lauryn [rolls her eyes at the "baby" comment]
Whatever. [She continues to explain things to Chef] Anyways, there were three Triforces in the world:
Power, Courage and Wisdom.
Get one, and you can fulfill any wish; get them all, and you'll be the most powerful man in the world.
Right now, you have the Triforce of Power; I have the Triforce of Courage.
Chef
But how do you know that it's the Triforce of Power, not the Triforce of Something Else?
Lauryn [points to the symbols on Chef's Triforce]
See that weird script on the Triforce? That means "Power" in old Hylian. You know,
the ancient language of Hyrule.
Chef
Well, where's your Triforce?
Lauryn
Well, you can't see it. It's inside me. [Chef opens his mouth to speak but is cut off by Lauryn]
Now, there was this goon called
Ganondorf Dragmire who wanted to collect all the Triforces and
rule the world. He brought great evil into Hyrule; it took one life too many to trap him in the
Dark World......
Chef
Sounds real bad, this Ganondorf character.
Lauryn
But he would come back again and again as centuries passed......
Chef
Your point is—
Lauryn [forebodingly]
That Ganondorf's evil is once again upon us. [She seems to change her subject as she
stares at the transit-shelter poster for Britney Spears' new CD] Say, Mr. Chef,
Britney Spears is pretty popular around South Park, isn't she?
Chef [with a "she's-got-the-cooties" expression on his face]
She just came today. The boys are all over her, but I'm not—she's just too Barney
sugar-coated for my taste.
Lauryn [sternly]
Whatever you do, don't, and I repeat DO NOT, even let her see that you have a Triforce!
Chef [his face is distorted with shock]
Lauryn, don't tell me that she's—
Lauryn
Ganondorf. [Chef facefaults.] After dying permanently in the hands of Hylian knights, he
reincarnates every 500 years, and this time he's back as Britney Spears. [pause]
Sorry I scared you, Chef; I didn't know if you believed in afterlife or not.
Chef
As a matter of fact I do. And I also believe that there's something very wrong with
Barney Spears. Speaking of afterlife, you didn't happen to be some—warrior
from Hyrule?
Lauryn
Guilty as charged; in my past life, I was a Hylian swordsman named Link.
Chef
The Zelda 64 Link!?
Lauryn
That's me. Make no mistake. [She takes out her sword and wields it all around, being extremely
careful not to hurt Chef.]
Chef [stammering]
Uhh, be careful with that thing......oh, and by the way, who has the
Triforce of Wisdom?
Lauryn
Princess Zelda has it. She was the daughter
of the Hylian king. [She stops playing around with her sword.]
Chef [making an educated guess]
And I gather that she's got an afterlife too?
Lauryn
Well, you can't get her. She's got her hands full with a court case right now.
Chef
Never mind, Lauryn. Sorry I asked.
Lauryn
It's not your fault; in fact, I'm glad you asked. Got ICQ?
Chef [without hestitation]
Sure. [Thoughts of making sweet ICQ love with Lauryn float in Chef's mind as
he writes his ICQ # to Lauryn.] Why do you need my ICQ number?
Lauryn
So Zelda can talk to you when there's trouble; after all, you don't know how to
communicate with us telepathically.
Chef [very surprised]
You guys have ESP?
Lauryn
Zelda can talk to me by ESP, but for someone like you who don't know anything,
we'll have to use the old-school way.
Chef [still confused]
But what would Princess Zelda want with the people of a
piss-ant white bred mountain town?
Lauryn
You'll find out when the time comes. [checks her watch] Well, Chef, I gotta run.
Just stay alive and protect the Triforce!
[Lauryn walks away from the streetcar stop, leaving Chef alone in there. Chef looks
at her until she's out of sight.]
Chef [stars in his eyes, having just met THE Lauryn Hill]
Lauryn......boy, she's something else......
[The sound of a streetcar is heard
faintly from a distance.]
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Evil Rebirth is written by Miseducation on March 18, 1999.
South Park & characters ©1999 Comedy Central.
The Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina Of Time & characters ©1998 Nintendo.