Scene 08: Battle Lines
The next day. Near Britney's Pad, Britney Spears' palatial mansion.
It's a white dollhouse with pink roofs, like Barbie's Playhouse, and equipped with a full basketball court
and a swimming pool especially designed for pool parties.
[Lauryn has just finished telling the story of Britney's past life as the evil Ganondorf
and her plans to collect all three Triforces and rule the world.]
Cartman [furious, flabbergasted]
I can't believe the bitchwad's brainwashed us!
Kenny [fearfully]
/* We should have known better; look at the way she gropes her cousin and brother! */
Stan [softly, to Wendy]
I'm sorry I shoved you to the ground.
Wendy [softly, to Stan]
That's OK. [There is a sudden contempt in her voice.] If anyone's to blame for this,
it's Bitchney. She makes people ballistic at the drop of a hat!
Kyle [determined]
Affirmative. She must be sunk—her brain's denser than the Titanic!
Lauryn [with a rising voice]
Guys, here's what we'll do: Ganondorf's built a huge underground dungeon that leads to her lair. We'll explore the dungeon in two teams. [She looks at the boys.]
Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny, you're Team A.
[She turns to Wendy.] Wendy, you're on Team B with me and Chef.
[Lauryn reaches into her knapsack, takes out 6 capsule-shaped things from it and throws them onto the ground. With a "puff" sound, the capsule-shaped things
explode and 6 bulletproof vests materialize. Everyone around her is shocked out of their minds.]
Chef [in absolute bewilderment]
H......how did you do that, Lauryn?
Lauryn [calmly]
Compression technology. They put items into capsules so that I don't have to carry a heavy knapsack. Here, Chef, take one. [She gives one bulletproof vest to Chef.] And you kids too. [She gives the five remaining vests to the kids.] You'll need them for fending off Ganondorf's servants—or, as you would call them, Britney fans.
Cartman [finishes putting on his vest]
Kick-ass! [realizes that Lauryn doesn't have a vest] But Lauryn, you don't have a vest.
Lauryn
That's because I don't need one; I have the Master Sword. [Reaching into her knapsack yet again, Lauryn takes out 2 communicators and gives one of them to Stan.] Stan, use the communicator to contact me and update me on how Team A is doing.
Stan
Sure; the team captain's gotta do what he has to do.
Chef [looks around and cannot see a door leading to the dungeon]
But how do we get inside?
Lauryn [points to a pink object in the ground]
See that pink switch over there? [She walks over to the switch and steps on it. Two holes with ladders suspended on each of them appear out of nowhere.]
Kyle [exclaiming]
This is amazing!
Stan [battle-like]
Get ready to rumble, boys! Let's take the left.
Lauryn
And we'll take the right.
[Team A (led by Stan) and Team B (led by Lauryn) separate. Zoom to Team A as they descend the left ladder and end up in a dark tunnel. The only source of light in this tunnel is fire light. The tunnel leads to a giant labyrinth—the underground dungeon that Lauryn talked about.]
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Evil Rebirth is written by Miseducation on March 18, 1999.
South Park & characters ©1999 Comedy Central.
The Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina Of Time & characters ©1998 Nintendo.