Scene 07: Lost Ones
Midnight. South Park Municipal Landfill.
[The landfill is dark, musty, and most of all, shrouded
by an ominous aura of evil.]
[Cut to the landfill door. Chef and Wendy arrive in front of that door,
armed with searchlights.]
Chef [holding his nose, about to vomit]
This smell is horrible, Wendy......
Wendy [full of contempt]
Nice of Bitchney to keep all five of her fans warm in a
landfill. [A giant sweat drop appears on Chef's forehead.]
Actually, come to think of it, Bitchney doesn't have ANY fans at all; she just barged right in and
brainwashed everybody!
Chef [with downcast eyes]
And I would be to blame for that.
Wendy [annoyed]
Stop blaming yourself and find the guys! You take the left, I take the right.
Mysterious Voice
And I'll take the middle.
[Chef and Wendy turn around to see Lauryn Hill, dressed in her Hylian warrior
battle gear—green tunic, sword, shield, the works.]
Chef
Typical Lauryn. Showing up out of nowhere.
Wendy [incredulous, wide-eyed, pointing at Lauryn's clothes]
So you are really......Link?
Lauryn
As the Princess said, "seeing is believing". [She turns to the piles of dumpsters
in the landfill.] They must have been trapped in one of these dumpsters. Let's split
up and find them!
[The group splits up, Chef to the left, Lauryn to the middle and Wendy to
the right. They scour around the landfill for a while.]
[Several minutes later, sounds of banging
and hitting are heard, followed by a scream from Chef.]
Chef [screaming in agony]
Arrrrrrrrrgh!
Wendy [anxiously turns to the direction of the scream]
Chef! Did you find them? [She runs toward Chef.]
Chef [still reeling from the vicious attack]
I did, all right......but......
Lauryn [arriving at Chef's corner]
But what!?
Chef
They're......they're......
[The group turns towards Chef's attackers. There are four of them, all in position to fight. Lauryn runs her searchlight towards the attackers. They are the boys that
she, Wendy and Chef had to rescue—Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny.
All of them have yellow eyes, as if under some magic spell.]
Kenny
/* How dare you diss up Bit-Bit? She's fine! We just had a party in my room, with lots of
Soda Pop! */
Kyle [shooting nasty looks at the group]
She's got more beauty and talent than any one of you losers will ever have, not to mention the
Triforce of Power!
Cartman [pissed-off]
We'll whup your ass for interrupting our 24-hour Britney program!
Stan [in an evil voice]
And then we'll take you to Her Highness and you'll submit to her FOREVER!
Lauryn
It appears that those boys are under some sort of mind control......
Chef [mustering his courage]
Now, children. Barney Spears just brainwashed you. She's a no-talent, no-brains,
extrapolating, superficial fake with no respect for her fans. Why would she trap you
in a dumpster and throw food leftovers in it if she was really "nice and sweet" to you?
Wendy [with increasing anger]
And she's hell-bent on taking over the world! Now that she has the Triforce of Power,
she'll try to get hold of the others! And when THAT happens, she'll be in complete control!
She is EVIL!
Kyle [with cold sarcasm]
Yeah, she wants to rule the world. So? [He begins to laugh.] That's because she
DESERVES to! HAHAHAHAHA!
Stan [singing ritualistically]
Britney Britney Britney can't you see
Sometimes your love just hypnotize me
And I just love your sexy ways
This is why they're broke and you're so paid!
[Wendy walks up to Stan and attempts to slap him. Stan grabs her wrist and pushes her
to the ground, hard.]
Stan [smirking]
Serves you right for pushing me in class. You did that because you're too dumb to realize
that you're not good enough for me, you little bitch! Only Britney is!
Chef [remorseful, melancholic, even a little suicidal]
I'm sorry, children......if only I had stopped you from going to that "party" of
Barney Spears'......
[Lauryn gives Chef a hard pinch in the arm.]
Chef [screaming in pain]
Laurrrrrryn!!
Lauryn [glaring furiously at Chef]
You wuss! To hell with all that self-blaming BS! How can you let Ganondorf get you down like this!? [Lauryn reaches into her knapsack, searching for
items. She takes out a blue, shiny, egg-shaped ocarina out of
the knapsack.] If I were you I'd shut up and play my ocarina!
[Lauryn reaches into her knapsack again. This time, she takes out a tenor saxophone.
She shoves the tenor sax into Chef's hands.]
[Lauryn puts the ocarina into her mouth. She begins to play the introduction to
"Doo-Wop (That Thing)".]
[Verse 1: Chef sings; Lauryn accompanies on the ocarina; Wendy taps rhythm]
Chef [improvising on the spot]
First of all, I dedicate this to the men
In love with a plastic Barbie girl and not real women;
This precious baby of yours in her baby blue jumper
Tossed you lovers with leftover food in the dumpster.
Still all over her like she's gonna take your hand
My friend? Then let me enlighten you again!
Miss Britney Jeau Spears is really an ancient evil
Who barges right in and oppresses the people; [end ocarina accompaniment]
Too often you ignore your head and listen only to
the words from your pants, no wonder women hate you men!
Fight back, strike back, stop acting like boys and be men!
How you gonna win, when you ain't right within?!
[Lauryn plays her ocarina again. Chef and Wendy talks. Now not only Wendy, but
Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny, are tapping to the beat. Their eyes have reverted to white.]
{Chef: It's working!}
{Wendy: They're dancing to the beats!}
[End ocarina accompaniment. Chef sings again. The boys serve as backup vocals.]
Chef
Guys you know you'd better, watch out (Watch out)!
This Britney Spears is only, about (About!)
That thing, that thing, that thing! (Thing!)
That thing, that thing, that thing! (Thing!)
[Verse 2: Lauryn sings; Chef accompanies on the tenor sax; the kids are doing the tapping thang]
Lauryn
Next verse is for you girls Chef failed to notice:
I think you know by now that Britney is bogus;
Runs off with your man and enslaves you and him
Treats y'all with no respect, not even the minimum.
She may claim that she's more bubbly than Soda Pop,
When Miss Testaburger knows she's really Ganondorf;
Hope y'all played Zelda 64, and know the ancient lore
of Ganondorf's master plan for the Triforce and all [end tenor sax accompaniment]
Honest to God, I don't give a damn if Britney understands,
But this madness gotta end;
And while Chef and I are hittin' those chords
I grab a file and go sharpen my Master Sword!
[Chef plays the same thing Lauryn had played before on his tenor sax. Lauryn
continues to sing. Now not only the five kids, but everyone who are trapped in the landfill,
are tapping to the beat---and not just with their feet, but also with metal cans. The female
prisoners back up Lauryn.]
Lauryn
Come again
Yo! A-When when come again! (Yeah-Yeah!)
When when come again!! (Yeah-Yeah!)
My friend come again!!! (Yeah-Yeah!) [end tenor sax.]
Girls you know you'd better, watch out (Watch out)!
This Britney Spears is only, about (About!)
That thing, that thing, that thing! (Thing!)
That thing, that thing, that thing! (Thing!)
[Lauryn and Chef play an ocarina-tenor sax duet for eight bars.
Prisoners stop tapping beats.]
[Lauryn and Chef put down their instruments and sing together. All prisoners sing the
backup.]
Chef & Lauryn
Everybody better, watch out (Watch out!)
This Britney Spears is only, about (About!)
That thing, that thing, that thing! (Thing!)
That thing, that thing, that thing! (Thing!)
[Chef and Lauryn's chorus repeats itself over and over again but it fades out after the first
repetition.]
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Evil Rebirth is written by Miseducation on March 18, 1999.
South Park & characters ©1999 Comedy Central.
The Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina Of Time & characters ©1998 Nintendo.