Scene 10: The Blade That Tae-Bo Bought

Day. Inside Britney's underground dungeon.
[Team B, with Lauryn (team captain), Wendy and Chef, faces a Melissa. But this Melissa seems different from the ones that Team A has faced.]
Wendy [wide-eyed]
Hey! There's something weird about this Melissa! She has no fake hair extensions, she's wearing white instead of pink, and there's......a Triforce logo on top of her forehead! Can it be......

Melissa
Important message from Princess Zelda.

Wendy [shocked]
WTF!?! It's usually from Bitchney!

Melissa
Here is that document you asked for...don't show anyone else ;-)

Lauryn
The Princess probably used magic to control this particular Melissa so that she can speak to us. Let's listen to what she has to say.

Melissa
Tae-Bo may not be the royal way to fitness, but in this dire situation it shall lead you to the stoic giant who lives underground.

[Melissa vanishes in a flash of light.]
Chef
What does Tae-Bo have to do with anything? And just who is this "stoic giant" that Princess Zelda, aka Sarah McLachlan, is talking about?

Lauryn
Just march on, Chef. You'll see in a moment.

[Team B sees a guy whose head is buried in the June/July edition of Vibe, drooling and mumbling to himself. Chef goes up to the guy and sees that the mag is opened to p. 162, with an article on Britney. Chef withdraws quickly.]
Wendy
There's something wrong with this guy, Chef?

Chef
He's drooling over a picture of Barney Spears in the latest issue of Vibe. Where she doesn't belong, by the way.

Wendy
She doesn't belong in ANY magazine, for that matter.

Lauryn [goes up to the guy]
I'll handle him.

[She grabs her ocarina and plays the chorus to her song "X-Factor" (you know, "no matter how I think we grow / you always seem to let me know / it ain't working / it ain't working"). After she finished, the guy proceeds to rip p. 162 to shreds. He throws them in the air, steps on them and spews a giant spitball at them.]
Chef [astonished]
That was a quick change of heart!

Wendy
That's what good music does to people, Chef.

[The guy meanders down the hallway until he sees Chef.]
Guy
You're fat. You need exercise. Here, take this.

[The guy shoves "this", a Tae-Bo Exercise Tape Set, in Chef's lap. He walks away shortly afterwards.]
Chef [stares at the Tae-Bo videos in disdain]
I'm not fat—what's the diggity deal over Tae-Bo? Billy Blanks is nothing but a Richard Simmons wannabe!

Lauryn
But a lot of people need it more than you do, so don't throw it away; they always say: "tis better to give than to receive."

[Team B walks on. They see a locked room with two treasure chests inside it.]
[Lauryn notices a panel with the good ol' Triforce logo on it. She takes out her ocarina again and plays a song.]
[The room opens. Chef and Wendy go in (Lauryn doesn't go in because she's pretty well-equipped).]
Wendy
Let me see what's in here......[searches one of the treasure chests] It's a Boomerang!

Chef [picks up a hammer from one of the treasure chests]
That thing is heavy!

Wendy
That's the Megaton Hammer, Chef. You can smash things with it! [aside, to herself] A big guy like this, and he can't even lift the hammer! Maybe he needs Tae-Bo after all!

Chef [stares cross-eyed at Wendy]
Are you trying to talk trash about me?

[Before Wendy can reply, two creatures, one with red fire for appendages and the other with blue fire, emerge from the dungeon floor. Surrounding them are small flying pods with propellers on their heads.]
Red Creature
Prepare for trouble!

Blue Creature
Make it double!

Red
To protect the world from devastation,

Blue
To unite all peoples within our nation,

Red
To denounce the evils of truth and love,

Blue
To extend our reach to the stars above,

Red
Kotake!

Blue
Koume!

Kotake
Sorceress Sisters, blast off at the speed of light!

Koume
Surrender now or prepare to fight!

Propeller Creatures
Propellerheadz! that's right!

Wendy [sneering]
You're not the Sorceress Sisters, you huckers! You're just a whole bunch of skanky Flare Dancers!

[If the so-called "Sorceress Sisters" had faces, they'd be facefaultin' by now. Since they don't have faces, however, they just randomly launch fireballs at Team B.]
Kotake
How dare you mock the Flare Dancers' power!

Koume
Die, you bumbling intruders!

[Lauryn takes a shield from her knapsack. The shield reflects the blue flames at the red dancer, and vice-versa. The dancers are stunned.]
Wendy [turns to Chef]
Chef, hit 'em with your hammer! I'll take care of the pods!

[Chef pounds the floor repeatedly with his Hammer. // BANG! BANG! BANG! // The Flare Dancers are soon destroyed. As for Wendy, she grabs her Boomerang and throws it at the Propellerheadz, destroying their propellers. Sans propeller, they are a fun breeze—Wendy just walks up to them and beats them all up.]
Wendy
Cool shield, Lauryn!

Lauryn
They call it the Mirror Shield. It reflects magic spells.

[Team B walks on to find Carl, owner of Carl's Bombs and Explosives and Accessories, locked up in a cell. Lauryn plays a song to open the cell gates.]
Carl
Is this......Lauryn Hill? You're getting me out of here, right? And can you give me an autograph?

Lauryn
Correct on both counts, sir. And yes, I'll sign on your bag. [Lauryn hurriedly signs her name on Carl's bag.]

Carl
Thanks so much, Lauryn! Britney Spears has trapped me in here long enough. [notices Chef's Tae-Bo videos] What's this?

Chef
A Tae-Bo video set. You want it?

Carl
Nah, I never liked Richard Simmons. I divorced my ex-wives because of him. But my friend, Biggoron, does.

Chef
Who's Biggoron?

Carl
Eons ago, there was a giant creature called Biggoron who lived underground. He was the best weapons forger of his time. He was to have forged the powerful Biggoron Sword, but he never got around to finishing it ever since he became a couch potato. [Pauses and takes a broken sword from his bag] Take this Broken Sword, Lauryn; bring the sword and the Tae-Bo videos to Biggoron. He'll be able to forge the Biggoron's Sword and you can slay Britney Spears with it. Use it carefully; you're our only hope!

Chef [understands it all]
So that's what they're talking about when they mentioned Tae-Bo and the stoic giant......

[After some searching, Team B finally finds Biggoron's cave.]
Lauryn [shouting through the cave]
Is anyone inside?

Biggoron [angrily]
Go away, you little twerps! Can't you see I'm watching TV!?

Wendy [peeking through the cave and sees a creature so enormous that he almost can't fit through the cave]
Carl's right......this guy DOES need Tae-Bo......

Biggoron [stares around]
What!? Did someone say Tae-Bo?

Chef [shouts back]
I did! Catch! [He throws the Tae-Bo video set to Biggoron.]

[Biggoron whirls around and sees Lauryn in her warrior gear.]
Biggoron
Looks like we have a swordswoman here......

Lauryn
I understand that you were to have finished the Biggoron Sword, but you never got around to finishing it. Now here's your chance. [Lauryn tells Biggoron the whole story about Britney Spears, her true identity as Ganondorf and her evil plans, as well as Lauryn's past life as the master swordsman Link.]

Biggoron
Oh, I see, this Britney Spears is evil indeed......but you have to wait 3 days because I have to get some weight off with Tae-Bo. [hands Lauryn a paper] Come back again in 3 days with this Claim Check; I should be finished by then.

Chef [aside, to himself]
3 days to lose all your bulk with Tae-Bo? Anything is possible with creatures like him. [to Biggoron] OK, I guess it's see you in 3 days, then!

[3 days later......]
Biggoron [excited]
IT'S ALL FINISHED!

[Biggoron hands a shiny, gigantic blade to Lauryn. This is the Biggoron Sword, a sword that is twice as powerful as Lauryn's Master Sword. It's so big that Lauryn has to use both hands to wield it.]
Wendy [pumping her fists]
Now Bitchney will get what's coming to her!

[Camera switches to above ground. Day turns into night. The pristine white dollhouse with pink roofs becomes a sinister, gray citadel. The swimming pool water becomes a pool of burning lava. Britney's Pad reveals its true form—Ganon's Castle.]

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Evil Rebirth is written by Miseducation on March 18, 1999.
South Park & characters ©1999 Comedy Central.
The Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina Of Time & characters ©1998 Nintendo.
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