I close my eyes slightly; light still visible on my eyelids. I've always enjoyed the way the sun hits your face with your eyes closed. Even if you have them close, lit still enters when you don't want it to.

I sigh softly. I'm twenty-one and it doesn't feel like nine years since I met the guys and we decided to start the group. Gosh, it really doesn't feel like that long. Two years maybe, three, I could take that. But nine? So many things have changed since I was a little twelve year old brat who was used to his mother being by his side 24/7.

So many things have changed indeed.

I have changed.

I've done so many things in my life I'm not so proud about. I know I've grown up with the group, but I've done my share of wrongs even before. I probably don't remember them all, but I remember enough not to be proud of half my actions.

I've skipped my chores when I was a child. I've lied to my mother to be able to play when I was supposed to do my homework. I've cut class because I wanted to fit in with the group. I've stolen candy from a store just because I thought it'd be funny. I've day dreamed while my tutor was suppose to be teaching me a lesson. I've played pranks on everyone I could lay my eyes on.

I've flirted with girls because I knew they wouldn't resist me. I've had them in my bed when I realized they thought of me as irresistible. I've had one-night stands because I thought that would prove me as a man. I've used people to get what I wanted. I've mistreated people because they worked for me. I've taken my anger and frustration on them. I've fired people just because they didn't tell me what I wanted to hear.

I've been an asshole to people just because I could.

I've been an asshole because I saw myself as untouchable. As the fucking king of the world. Why shouldn't I? I had everything everyone wanted. I was twenty years old, world known pop star and an eight-digit bank account.

I was everything everyone would have wanted to be -- except me.

I came to realize that I wanted to be whom I was.

I knew I wasn't but I kept pretending that maybe if I partied enough, of if I got laid enough, things would change and I would be as happy as I should.

And so I partied every night for almost a month, and had sex with every single girl that got in my way, and things didn't change. At night, when I was alone in my room, I kept feeling like a looser. I kept feeling like I had done everything single thing wrong in my life.

I didn't know what was wrong, but every day I just got a little lower in the chain of self-respect.

And the lower I got, the worse I became. I started treating the guys like shit. I started screaming at our crew. I started drinking before interviews and getting high before concerts. I almost past out during a concert because I was too drunk and too high to stand up in my own two feet.

It was after that night, after that horrible night, that the guys decided that was it. They yelled at me as much as you can yell at someone. They gave me an ultimatum: either I got my shit together and got myself sober and clean, or I would get kick off the group.

It wasn't easy, but I did. Oh, I tried to leave that horrible hospital they checked me in, and I even tried to kill myself because I felt like I couldn't live without cocaine. But I got better.

And the day I got back, it was us again. We got together at Kevin's place and just watched TV and talked all night long. I remember that night being one of the most memorable ones. I remember falling asleep at some point during the evening and waking up to Kevin placing a cover on top of me. I remember looking at him, smiling slightly, his green eyes dark under the dim light, and leaning over and placing a kiss on his lips.

That night changed my life in more ways than one.

I blink slightly as I hear footsteps coming closer. I turn around and look towards the sound. Dressed only in dark blue Bermudas, Kevin walks over me barefoot, his feet clashing against the recently cut grass of Brian's yard. He smiles at me, leans over and kisses me deeply. I stare at his eyes as he says he loves me. I grin from ear to ear, never happier to hear those words coming from those lips. I answer him back, his eyes dancing at my words. I scoot over in the chair, Kevin sitting by my side. I place my head in the crook of his neck as I feel his arms going around me to hold me tightly to him.

We look over to the pool were the guys are playing chicken, Kelly, Barbara and Leighanne laughing as AJ, Howie and Brian dunk each other.

"Lets go," I hear Kevin whisper in my ear. I turn around to look at him just as he stands up and takes my hand in his. I follow him, smiling slightly.

I've been the worse of the worse for as long as I've lived. And as I see Kevin pulling me towards our wet friends in the pool, I wonder how did I get so lucky.

Kevin chuckles, that personal and private laughter only a few know and that I know by heart, and my heart soars.

Looking at him, I realize I don't know the reason and I probably never will, but I'm grateful.