Gordon and Stuart eat Greek

	Stephen (Gordon) and Hugh (Stuart) are sitting at 
	a table in a Greek restaurant. Music plays in the 
	background.


Hugh		Yeah, I like to eat Greek at least once in a time,
		Gordon. It's a plain cuisine, simply prepared.

Stephen		Yeah, well I'm not averse myself, Stuart.

Hugh		No?

Stephen		Substantially partial to a plate of Greek, as it
		happens. Substantially partial.

Hugh		Good. (Indicating menu) We won't worry about this.
		I'll chat to the top over-waiter personally. This is
		just for the walk-in punters.

Stephen		Right you be.

Hugh		Listen to that bazooka music, Gordon. East meets
		West.

Stephen		Love it.

Hugh		There's a lot to be learned from the Greeks, you
		know. After all, they gave us the word "civilization".

Stephen		I thought that was the Romans.

Hugh		Ethnically the same peoples, Gordon. Also the
		word "economics". Sharp folk, your Greeks,
		Very sharp.

Stephen		And the word "genoymeen".

Hugh		What.

Stephen		They gave us that as well. I suppose we must have
		just given it back, almost immediately.

Hugh		Tough folk, your Hellenics. Hard as the crags and
		boulders that shape the islands and hills of their
		landscape.

Stephen		Tssch. Do you know I wouldn't be surprised if
		there was a lesson in there somewhere?

Hugh		Certainly there is. I've often thought of putting out
		a paper on the correlation between landscape and
		business acumen.

Stephen		Great subject, Stu. You could set fire to some
		arses with a paper like that. The Institute of
		Executive Salesmen would go ape crazy on all
		fours for a theory of that sort.

Hugh		I think so, Gordon, I think so. Take my own
		case. Myself, way back when, my folks hailed
		from Yorkshire. You see? Limestone uplands,
		unforgiving moors and scarred dales. An
		uncompromising, beautiful, hard and wide nurse
		of men.

Stephen		But you were born in Surrey.

Hugh		The limestone's in my blood. You can see it in
		the way I do business. Where you from first off,
		Gordon?

Stephen		Lincolnshire.

Hugh		Huh. You see? Flat, sodden, yielding, chalky,
		cautious, indecisive, always late for meetings ...

Stephen		Well Lincolnshire's flat, Stu, yes. But I wouldn't
		say it was always late for meetings ...

Hugh		(Ignoring him) Yeah, maybe I'll put that paper out
		after all. Maybe I'll do that.

Stephen		Service is a bit slow.

Hugh		You see, that's the typical lowlander's reaction.
		That's got Lincolnshire written all over it. You've
		got to understand that the Greek does things at
		his own tempo, Gordon. Natural rhythms and
		cycles, deep within them. The Yorkshireman in me
		respects that.

Stephen		Well we don't want to be late for the basketball
		game, Stuart.

Hugh		(Shouting) Service here! Let's get some action at
		this table!

	Waiter arrives. A cheery Greek figure.

Waiter		Good afternoon, my lovely friends.

Hugh		OK, kalli spera.

Waiter		Ah. Is lunchtime. You mean kalli mera.

Hugh		Well yes, in some dialects, obviously. Now ...

Waiter		To piato tees meras chtopothi.

Hugh		Good, good. So ...

Stephen		The dish of the day is octopus.

Hugh		I know that, Gordon. Well aware. Where was the
		octopus caught?

Waiter		Where was it caught? What a question. In the sea.

Hugh		Right. It should be OK then Gordon, if you want
		to have that.

Waiter		So ... ?

Stephen		Well thelo parakalo dolmades kai filetto souvlaki kai
		nero pagomeno kai ena boulaki retsina.

Waiter		Entaxi. Kai ya sas, kyrie? 

Hugh		What?

Stephen		What would you like, Stuart?

Hugh		The same. Definitely. The er ... parakalo.

Stephen		Ćuo.

Waiter		Certainly, gentlemen.

	Waiter exits.

Hugh		And we'd better order up some wine while
		we're at it.

Stephen		I did that, Stuart.

Hugh		Oh, of course you did, yeah. I was miles away.

Stephen		He's a bit forward isn't he? All that "lovely
		friends" stuff.

Hugh		Well what he's done, Gordon, is recognise a
		kindred spirit. He's spotted the craggy moorlander
		in me and he knows that he and I have been
		nourished by essentially the same granite. Ergo,
		we're clients to be treated with respect, not your
		usual walk-in, quick turnover merchants.

	Waiter enters, with plates.

Waiter		Dolmades for my two beautiful English gentlemen,
		I think.

Hugh		Great.

Stephen		Looks good.

Waiter		Is very good, my special friends.

	Waiter exits.

Stephen		(Tucking in) Ha.

Hugh		What is this?

Stephen		Well it's dolmades.

Hugh		Dolmades? 

Stephen		Stuffed vine leaves.

Hugh		Stuffed vine leaves? Is he trying to take us
		for a ride?

Stephen		It's a classic Greek dish.

Hugh		Classic Greek ... What am I, a peasant or a busy
		executive?

	Waiter enters.

Waiter		Everything alright, my absolute darlings?

Hugh		Fine thank you.

Stephen		My colleague doesn't like dolmades.

Waiter		But you ask for dolmades.

Stephen		He didn't know what it was.

Hugh		I knew what ... hahahaha. Everything's just fine,
		thank you.

	Waiter exits.

		Let's get out of here, Gordon. This is just a
		tourist trap.

Stephen		In Stevenage?

Hugh		Why not?

Stephen		But this is good, Stuart.

Hugh		Wake up, Gordon, wake up! Jesus, they must have
		seen you coming a mile off.

Stephen		Don't you want your dolmades?

Hugh		Do I want to push a stuffed vine leaf through my
		face? No, incredibly, I don't.

Stephen		Well I'm starving, so if it's all the same with
		you ...

Hugh		(He drinks some wine) Oh that's it. This wine is
		corked.

Stephen		It can't be. It's got a metal top.

Hugh		Don't get clever. Just taste it. (Banging table)
		Waiter!

Stephen		Delicious.

Hugh		Delicious? It's got something in it.

	Waiter enters.

Waiter		Yes, my excellent friends?

Stephen		(To Hugh) It's resinated.

Hugh		Exactly. Waiter, this wine has resinated in
		the bottle.

Waiter		Yes. Is retsina.

Stephen		It's supposed to be like that, Stu. They add pine
		needle resin to it ...

Hugh		Yea, thanks very much for your input Gordon,
		but I hope I know my wines. I didn't fork out on
		an encyclopaedia of world wines for nothing.

Waiter		Retsina. Is very good.

Stephen		It's delicious, Stu.

Hugh		(Pause) Well I hope you're going to invite me to
		the wedding.

Stephen		What?

Waiter		Give me a pardon?

Hugh		You two are getting married, presumably?

Stephen		Stuart ...

Hugh		No, obviously a six-year friendship goes out the
		window if you're going to start siding with some
		Greeko against me.

Waiter		I think maybe everything is not so good for my
		two lovers.

Hugh		(To waiter) You can cut that out right now.

Stephen		Listen Stu ...

Hugh		No you listen, mush. While you were marking time
		with linguaphone courses of the ancient world, I
		was pounding the streets of Tiverton learning the
		selling trade.

Stephen		Stu ...

Hugh		While you tanned your hairy arse on the nude
		beaches of Crete or wherever it was, stuffing vine
		leaves with a bunch of perverts, I was getting my
		masters degree in the university of hard knocks
		and tough surprises. Well mister - I make no
		apology. To you or your fancy lover boy. (He makes 
		for the exit)

Stephen		Stu! Where are you going?

Waiter		I can bring you an omelette, if you like, sir.

Hugh		Forget it. I've had enough, Gordon. I'm going out
		for an honest British kebab.

Stephen		What I always say to myself is,
		"what would Lester Piggott have
		done in this situation?"