SAS

	Stephen is in an SAS uniform, behind the desk of an 
	Army Careers office.


Stephen		So you'd like to join the Special Air Service?

Hugh		Not really.

Stephen		Not really?

Hugh		Well, yes alright.

Stephen		That's more like it. Height?

Hugh		I'm sorry?

Stephen		How tall are you?

Hugh		Oh. Nine foot six.

Stephen		Nine foot six. Good. Weight?

	Silence.

		Weight?

	Silence.

		Well?

Hugh		I'm waiting.

Stephen		Good. You'd be surprised how many applicants
		are trapped into revealing how heavy they are. And
		you weigh?

Hugh		Three tons.

Stephen		Three tons. Sure about that?

Hugh		Just over.

Stephen		Alright. Just over three tons. It's as well to be
		accurate in these matters. Saves complications later
		on. So. Any particular disabilities?

Hugh		I've got no sense of taste.

Stephen		In what? Films? Music?

Hugh		Food. I can't taste food.

Stephen		Oh dear. That might be a problem.

Hugh		Might that be a problem?

Stephen		I've just said it might. Never mind, let's press on.
		Any special skills?

Hugh		I look good in black.

Stephen		Excellent. How old are you?

Hugh		Ten and a half.

Stephen		Shoe size?

Hugh		Twenty-eight.

Stephen		Quirks?

Hugh		Muddling up my height and my shoe size. I mean
		my shoe size and my height. See? I did it again.

Stephen		Well that seems to be OK. How are you at making
		small talk?

Hugh		Weather and traffic?

Stephen		That sort of thing.

Hugh		I can hold my end up.

Stephen		Correct. Now, are you aware of what the SAS is
		all about?

Hugh		Not really.

Stephen		I see. Well originally, the SAS was formed as an
		elite, crack, secret, crack secret assault force, to
		work behind enemy lines during the war.

Hugh		Right.

Stephen		Of course our role has changed somewhat since
		then. Nowadays our duties are to act primarily as
		a masturbatory aid for Lewis Collins and various
		back-bench MPs.

Hugh		I beg you pardon?

Stephen		I'm afraid so. A worrying number of today's
		parliamentarians are quite unable to achieve sexual
		gratification without fantasizing about the SAS.
		So basically, we have to go round the place being
		secret and crack and elite, so that these people will
		be able to keep their marriages intact.

Hugh		Doesn't sound very exciting. Have you got
		anything else on your cards?

Stephen		Well, the BBC are advertising for someone to go
		into that room over there.

Hugh		Which one?

Stephen		(Pointing) That one, just over there.

Hugh		Alright. I'll give it a go.

	Hugh enters room for next sketch.

Hugh		It's very hard to undo it, though.
		So you have to be absolutely sure.